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12-31-98

Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. But it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are as mucha part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. 'There' is no better then 'here'. When your 'there'has become 'here', you will simply obtain another 'there' that will, again, look better then 'here'.

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. You will forget all this.

12-30-98

Three friars opened a flower shop in a small suburban town. They specialized in rare and unusual flowers. Their pride and joy was a man-eating lily from Turkey. The friars put the lily on the sidewalk in front of the shop, hoping it would attract cust omers. On the first day of business, the flower ate four children. The townspeople were enraged. They told the friars that they had to get rid of the flower. However, the friars liked the publicity and refused to remove the flower. On the second day, the flower ate five children. The people of the town begged the friars to move the flower from the sidewalk, but, again, the friars refused. The next day the flower ate six children. This time the people had had enough... They went to the strongest man in town, Hugh. Hugh was the local blacksmith. Hugh went to the friars and demanded that the flower be destroyed. The friars refused. So, Hugh grabbed the friars, drug them to the edge of town and told them to get lost. The friars were never heard from again.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

12-29-98

THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

12-28-98

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?"

12-27-98

Hopefully, they were playing a hand of poker, waiting for the anesthesia to work, but the last thing I remember before my last operation was my surgeon saying, "Alright, who can open."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Two little boys were discussing their hospital experiences. The older one asked "Are you medical or surgical ?"

The other little boy said, "I don't know. How can you tell ?"

"Well," replied the more savvy of the two, "were you sick when you were admitted, or did they make you sick after you got here ?"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One of the nicest and most sincere cards I got when I was in the hospital was one that simply said "Get well Quick". It was from Blue Cross and Blue Shield, my medical insurer.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One doctor to another in hospital corridor: "I usually take two aspirin every four or five patients."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The doctor was trying to encourage a gloomy patient. "You're not in any real danger." he said. "Why I've had the same thing myself."

"I see." moaned the dour faced man. "But... did you have the same doctor ?"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Overheard from another room, where there was a seven year old boy receiving his medicine from a Nurse: "Johnny, we prefer to call this medication rather than a 'fix'."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Patient to Nurse: "No, I don't feel listless. In fact, if I felt that good, I wouldn't even be here."

12-26-98

Two idiots traveled to the city with horses! Nightfall came so they had to rest! In order to tell the difference between their horses, one guy cut his horse's tail off! As they were sleeping, a joker cut off the other horse's tail as a prank! The next morning, the two idiots were arguing whose horse was which! After arguing, they just continued their journey without knowing whose horse was which! Night came again! Again, to tell the difference, one guy cut off his horse's ear! As they slept, the trickster came and cut off the other horse's ear! Surely enuff, the next morning the two idiots argued whose horse was which! They went on their journey again without knowing whose horse was which! Again, night came! "This time," one idiot said to the other,"You take the black horse while I take the white one!"

12-25-98

MERRY CHRISTMAS - FLORIDA STYLE

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town, no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down, no children in flannels were tucked into bed, they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard, for holly trees grew in every back yard. In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee, hoping to find water skis under the tree. They all knew that Santa was well on his way, in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work, he hadn't a second to linger or shirk. He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road, in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow, and lighted the way for old Santa below. As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle, he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom, for Santa came in through the Florida room. He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute, emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf. He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car, remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas and up Highway 436 he went like a flash. And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way, "MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"

12-24-98

WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS

Santa lives at the North Pole ... JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ... JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year .... JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ... JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ... JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ... JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ... JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ... JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ... JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ... JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ... JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ... JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but ... JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ... JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas, Jesus is still the reason for the season. Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus.

Have a Merry CHRISTmas!!!

12-23-98

Twelve Days Of Christmas v90.0

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a hanging plastic plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked and who is responsible for the bill.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day, is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted by the Compensation Committee, to suggest replacing this group with ten out of work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

12-22-98

"CENTRAL FLORIDA'S CHRISTMAS SEASON: THE REAL THING?"

"As the holiday season progresses, there are many people in Central Florida preparing for their annual Christmas angst. All that is needed is a transplanted Northerner and the memories of Christmas past spent where gently falling snow covered the ground with a blanket of white. For them, our semitropical Christmas is not the real thing.

The problem is that Christmas here has no identity. All of the seasonal poems, songs and movies were written with cold weather in mind. It's almost as if Florida doesn't exist during the holidays, except as a vacation destination for what seems like the entire population of the state of Pennsylvania.

In an effort to let the rest of the country know the holidays are celebrated and enjoyed in our warm climate, I have tried to identify what makes our Christmas unique.

Christmas in Central Florida is:

-Mailing cards to all your friends and relatives up North that depict Santa and his sleigh pulled by a flock of flamingos.

-Doing all your baking early, then discovering on Christmas Day that our rampant humidity has crept into all the cookies.

-Hoping it will be cold enough to light a fire in the fireplace.

-Hoping it will be warm enough to serve Christmas dinner on the patio.

-Sweating your way through Christmas eve midnight Mass because you decided to wear the new cable-knit sweater that was a gift from your wife.

-Gazing at palm trees and hibiscus through panes of glass sprayed with fake snow.

-Giving your daughter a new bike and actually being able to take her outside for her first spin around the block.

-Getting a new wet suit and flippers as gifts and trying them out in the pool that day.

-Having a house full of relatives, half of whom want the air conditioning turned up and half of whom want it turned down.

-Having to explain to your 5-year-old that Santa's sleigh can get here without there being snow on the ground.

-Having a Christmas morning round of golf and an after-dinner basketball game become family traditions.

-Opening your patio door on Christmas morning to see a glorious white heron take flight over the trees.

-Trying to figure out how to sleep and feed your brother-in-law and his family, an old college friend and her family, and Great-Uncle Harry and is new girlfriend when they all visit during the same week in December.

-Being able to take the kids to see Mickey, Shamu or E.T. during school break without spending money on air fare and hotel rooms.

-Spending the whole day stringing colored lights on the front of your house and then having to mow the lawn and trim the bushes, too.

-Finally, realizing the spirit and joy of Christmas dwell in your heart and can be triggered by warm breezes and swaying palms as well as sleigh bells and falling snow."

By Joyce Carcara, December '93, "My Word" column

12-21-98

When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money. My father had a reasonably well paying job, but with four kids and a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but our favorite was camping, which we did year-round, blazing heat or freezing cold.

It was a great site to see the whole clan scrambling to get everything together for a weekend trip. The whole family then piled into our Chevy stationwagon with a dog bigger than the three smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our trusty tent to the top of the Chevy and off we would go.

Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was a army surplus tent large enough for the whole family plus dog. It had survived though rain storms, snow storms, wind storms. It had twice been uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we went camping in so much terrible weather.) It had blown off the Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At least it survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches over patches but it was still our faithful camping tent.

But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years of steady service, my Dad admitted one summer that our tent was no longer useable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall. The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad promised we would get a new tent at Christmas, and we could go camping all winter.

So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our new tent. They even got us kids to pitch in a little. Money was tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of a great winter outdoors. That is, until disaster struck in late November, and my little bother Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the prospect of no winter camping. Even I was almost sorry I pushed Johnny off the roof.

So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There weren't as many presents around the tree as usual, because the extra money had gone into my bother's arm. Finally, Christmas Eve was here, and our month long depression was lifted a little, because we could open our presents. Dad had to work, but he was late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before she called the police, Dad drove up. We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a brand new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful.

Instantly, five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he ushered us all into the living room, around the Christmas tree to tell us what happened. It seems that Dad had seen an advertisement for a store called SURPLUS CITY (all caps required). Last week he had gone by to see if they had any tents that we could afford. There was one perfect tent (the only one actually) for $60. So Dad worked a little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and he scraped together about $45. That night he had gone to SURPLUS CITY with his $45 and tried to get a bargain on the tent. He had managed to chisel the manger down to $50 for the tent, but from there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away at SURPLUS CITY, either, just cold hard cash.

So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it would be to come home empty handed. In a flash of inspiration, he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked the manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could buy the tent. With that act of desperation, the managers heart softened. What with it being Christmas and all, and my father being so intent on getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past week, he let Dad have the tent for $40.

When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered and generally made fools of ourselves. That was the happiest Christmas I have ever had. And that was the best winter of camping we ever had too, in THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT.

Thanks to: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>

12-20-98

"Computer Wonderland" - by D M Goldstein 1983 (to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Axes swing, are you listenin'? Gold and jewels, how they glisten. A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night, playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge:) In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants, or plot our BIORYTHM for a year; Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK, or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS; Zing those bats when they thump us. OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time, playing in Computer Wonderland.

12-19-98

Twas The Byte Before Christmas by Walter Killeen (with apologies to Clement C. Moore)

Twas the night before Computing, when all thru the house Not a circuit was working not even my mouse; The files were all loaded on the hard disc with care, In hopes that the FAT would still list them as there. The backups were nestled all snug in their sleeves, To keep info from failing in spite of a sneeze; The disc drive was quiet, just taking a rest It was waiting to run the next boot-up or test. When out of the speaker there arose such a clatter I sprang to my desk to see what was the matter. Away to the keyboard I flew like a flash, Threw open the drive-door and heard a DISK CRASH!! The words from the CRT dancing through new-fallen dust Gave an aerie glow to the PC covered with crust. Then what to my wondering eyes did appear, But a miniature sleigh and the eight registers I fear. With a little old driver, so lively and gloss I knew in a moment he was a master of DOS. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, As he whistled out and called them by name "Now Fido! Now Opus! Now Quick BBS! On, ConfMail! On, XList! and On EasyPlex! To the top of the memory! To the bottom of the stack! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" Then programs before me, like wild hurricanes did fly; As they met with "no parity" and HUNG UP in the sky, Soon past on the screen, the messages they flew, With a sleigh full of utilities, and DOS commands too. As I threw back my head and was turning around, All at once from the printer port he came with a bound. He was dressed all in RAM, from his head to his foot, But his Interleave factor was covered with soot; A bundle of data he had flung on his back, And he looked like he'd a program, he wanted to hack. His eyes -- How they twinkled! "We've print-outs, how merry!" His cheeks were like floppy disks, his nose was a query! His droll little fingers were drawn up like a bow, As he clicked on the keyboard, I turned white as the snow; The stump of a BIOS CHIP he held in his teeth, As the smoke from it encircled the Motherboard like a wreath; He reached for a moment the coffee near to his telly While scattered about him, were donuts of jelly. With eyes glued to the screen, the jolly old elf, Just laughed when I asked him, "What's the problem itself?"; A flash of the screen and a twist of his head Soon gave me to know I'd lost programs to dread; He spoke not a word, but went straight to the works, Adjusting the CMOS, and looking for quirks; The damage repaired, and file restore done He grinned as he told me "No need for a gun!" Then laying a finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the COM port he rose. He sprang to the sleigh, his disks all stacked up, And away they all flew sitting pretty on backup; Remember, He said as he sped out of sight...

BACK UP REGULARLY -OR- BE UP MANY A NIGHT !!

12-18-98

Once upon a time, long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree....

12-17-98

~~~ The Price of True Love ~~~

The price of giving all the items bestowed by the "true love" of the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" may be a little beyond most people's budget. The following costs were calculated for 1997, based upon a report issued in 1994 by PNC Bank Corp., assuming an annual rate of inflation of 2.5 percent:

(1) Partridge in a pear tree $38 (2) Turtle doves 54 (3) French hens 16 (4) Calling birds 302 (5) Gold rings 485 (6) Geese-a-laying 162 (7) Swans-a-swimming 7,538 (8) Maids-a-milking 37 (9) Pipers piping 2,807 (10) Ladies dancing 3,245 (11) Lords-a-leaping 1,194 (12) Drummers drumming 1,293

Total to give gifts once: $17,170 Total to give as in song*: $78,986

* Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents: The partridge is given 12 times, two doves 11 times (22 total), etc...

- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org

12-16-98

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

12-15-98

O horse, you are a wonderful thing; No buttons to push, no horn to honk; You start yourself, no clutch to slip; No spark to miss, no gears to strip; No license buying every year, With plates to screw on front and rear; No gas bills climbing up each day, Stealing the joy of life away; No speed cops chugging in your rear, Yelling summons in your ear. Your innertubes are all O.K. And thank the Lord, they stay that way; Your spark plugs never miss and fuss; Your motor never makes us cuss. Your frame is good for many a mile; Your body never changes style. Your wants are few and easy met; You've something on the auto yet.

Author unknown

12-14-98

Things you should know so this story will be funny: (1) Venezuela is a *very* Catholic. (2) Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins to let the steam escape.

My parents met, and got married while working in Venezuela for Shell Oil. Shell provided their North American employees with North American houses, Venezuelan maids, and a company store that sold North American food, like potatoes.

My mother taught her maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families, people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X" in them. In my family we cut an "X" in them.

Anyhow, one day my mother heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked potatoe all over the oven.

"!Senora!" she cried. "!I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were, but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..."

12-13-98

Posted by Roger Fossum 1-2-96 on the Internet.... (jokes about religion)

PSALM 23

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever. ........

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." ........

A small country church building needed an exterior paint job, so the pastor asked two church members to do the work. The two guys were doing great until they got to the final side. That's when they noticed they weren't going to have enough paint to finish the job. Since it was a quite a distance to town to get more paint, they decided to use paint thinner, stretching the remaining paint to finish the job. Well, it just didn't cover well and was quite noticeable. When the pastor came out to see how they were doing, he took one look at that final wall, turned to the two guys and said, "Re-paint, and thin no more!" ........

Three pastors gathered for coffee one day to discuss the problem of bat infestation in churches. "I got so angry," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats." "I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church." "I haven't had any more problems," said the third. "What did you do?" asked the others, amazed. "I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."

12-12-98

One day, GOD and JC were playing golf. First, it's JC's turn. What a shot. The ball landed on the green, just a few feet away from the hole. JC smiles satisfied. Well, it's GODs turn now. He picks his club and...boom. The ball went miles away from the green, dropping right into the nearby sea. Suddenly a big fish appears, taking the ball in the mouth and swimming away. But not enough, an even bigger bird falls from the sky, catching the fish (and the ball, of course). While flying back, the big bird is struck by a sudden lightning coming out of the clear sky. The bird (with the fish, and the ball [of course]) fell to the ground, just a feet away from the hole on the green. The bird opens the beak, the fish his mouth, so the ball went into the hole. That was the moment JC threw away his club. "Oh Father", he said "I won't play with you anymore, you're cheating".

12-11-98

Strictly for Sherlock Holmes'Fans

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent.

Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No Watson, it's simplier: it just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

12-10-98

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an air- plane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours.

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

12-9-98

A man advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms.

Tower owner: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is."

.. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower.

Tower owner: "Ok, show me your plan."

The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell.

Tower owner: "That's quite a plan, but you'll have to make the bell ring a lot louder for everyone in town to hear it."

The hunchback goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.

As the tower owner is going down all those stairs, a crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street.

One passerby: "Who is this guy?" Passerby's friend: "Dunno, but his face rings a bell." Another passerby: "If he's not the hunchback from across town, he's a dead ringer for him."

Just about this time the tower owner arrives on the street. He takes a close enough look to confirm the man is dead, and comments: I had a hunchback there nothing good would come of this job interview."

12-8-98

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head.

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter. "But, St. Peter, surely you recognize me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow."

"And I know you recognize me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies.

Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay 3 days."

12-7-98

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank Goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

12-6-98

A young man walking along the beach spies an old bottle. Upon opening it, out pops a genie. The genie being grateful for being released to freedom offers to grant the young man three wishes.

The young man says: "I'd like to be cool, rich and irresistable"

Then his girlfriend gets home and she finds a packet of chocolate sweet biscuits in the fridge, but no sign of him :-)

12-5-98

have you heard what happened in an interview of the mafia, when looking for a new hitman?

First candidate came in. The Parde asked him: 'what have you done of terrorist acts, and how many victims?'

the guy answered 'i blew up a car, four dead'

Padre: 'ok, how many letters has the alphabet got?' candidate: 'aemm.. well 26!' Padre: 'ok, you may wait outside!'

Nex candidate came in.

Padre: 'Biggest terrorist act, victims?' Candidate: 'Vaporized a bus, 40 victims?' Padre: 'hmmm, how many letters has the alphabet got?' Candidate: '26 if I'm not mistaken' Padre: 'very well, please wait outside'

Third and last candidate comes in.

Padre: 'Best Terrorist act, victims?' Candidate: 'blown up a huge clothing store, 750 dead' Padre: 'WOW! ok, tell me how many letters are in the alphabet?' Candidate: 'Well, 24 of course!' Padre: '24? how come 24?' Candidate: 'Well, C&A doesn't exist anymore!'

12-4-98

Woman, serving her husband a piece of cake: "There's enough energy in this to put up the storm windows!"

12-3-98

"The Hillbilly"

As the hillbilly wheeled his new Cadillic into a parking space and threw open the car door, he gently bumbed the door on a beat-up rusty old station wagon that was parked in the adjacent spot. The owner of the wagon happended to be a 6' 4" 290 pound Texan. He crawled out of his car and barked, "Just because you drive a fancy Caddy, don't mean you can ding up on my car. I'll yeach you a lesson!" The Texan drew a circle on the parking lot, picked up the little hillbilly and put him inside the circle. "Don't step outside that circle until I'm through with you!" he said. The Texan went over to the Caddy and broke the windshield. When he looked over, the hillbilly was laughing. This enraged the Texan and he began to flatten all four tires. The hillbilly was still laughing. Furious, the Texan demolished the whole car... and still, the hillbilly was laughing. "I just destroyed your car!" the Texan exclaimed. "What are you laughing at!" The hillbilly replied, "I stepped outside the circle three times!"

12-2-98

One day a ventriloquist was working a comedy club in the mid-west, big hillbillie country. He cracked a couple of jokes about how stupid hillbillies are and a big man fromt he back of the room stood up and said:

"I resent those hillbillie jokes!"

The beleagured ventriloquist then said, "I'm sorry, I'll stop telling them."

The hillbillie replied, "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the guy on your lap!"

===========================================================================

"Zeke, did you ever marry that Arkansas hillbilly girl you were goin' with for so long?" "Yep. Finally. Y'know her old man took a shot at me. That convinced me to marry her." "Did he hit you?" "Nope, but that danged bullet come so close to my head that I heard it twice." "Twice? How come twice?" "Once when it passed me and once when I passed it."

12-1-98

It was a terrible storm. Six inches of rain had fallen in the first twenty-four hours. Eight had fallen on the second day. The entire town was flooded.

Over at the Bronson house, little Jimmy Bronson, eight years old, sat at the window of his upstairs room and stared outside. He was looking at a sun hat that was floating in one direction for a while, then seemed to get caught up and start to float back toward the house. The process went on for hours. Jimmy's uncle came by the house to see if all was well, and saw his nephew staring. He started to look too, and couldn't understand why the hat kept moving up and back, up and back. Finally he asked Jimmy, "What's going on down there?"

Jimmy said, "That's Pa. Last week he said, `Come h*ll or high water, I'm going to mow the lawn Saturday!'"

11-30-98

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

11-29-98

Near the end of a tense golf match, a temperamental player was thrown off his game. His caddie, it seems, had developed a severe case of hiccups. It continued for several holes and finally on the eighteenth hold the man's drive sliced into a grove of trees. Slamming his club to the ground, he turned to his caddie shouting, "That was because of you and your blankety-blank hiccups!"

"But, I didn't hiccup then, sir," protested the caddie.

"That's just the point," screamed the player. "I had *allowed* for it!"

===========================================================================

A man rushed into a drugstore and asked a pharmacist for something to stop hiccups. The druggist poured a glass of water and threw it into the man's face. "Why did you do that?" the man exploded angrily. "Well, you don't have hiccups now, do you? "No!" shouted the customer. "But my wife out in the car still does!"

11-28-98

A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the henhouse:

"An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away."

11-27-98

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM

M A T E R I A L S A F E T Y D A T A S H E E T

WOMEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS: ACCEPTED AS 118 lbs., known to vary from 98 to 550 lbs.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one.

11-26-98

HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

11-25-98

Did any of you hear that Thanksgiving had been cancelled in Arkansas? It's true, the reports out of Little Rock are that the Turkey got away, it moved to Washington, D.C.

They've also cancelled Halloween, because the witch went with him!

11-24-98

According to a lady in North Carolina, GOSSIPS can be divided into three categories:

1. Vest button........always popping off. 2. Vacuum cleaner........always picking up dirt. 3. Liniment........always rubbing it in.

11-23-98

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.

Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.

Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.

Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.

Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.

Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.

Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.

Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"

Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.

Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".

Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.

Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.

Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.

Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.

Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

11-22-98

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

11-21-98

You are a computer nerd if...

1.Your web page is more popular than you.

2.Your favorite sport is Tetris.

3.You know what fuzzy logic is.

4.You talk to your computer.

5.When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy.

6.You argue with your computer.

7.Your computer has its own phone line.

8.You have dreams involving your computer.

9.You try to pick up women on chat lines.

10.You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything sexual.

11.You spend Friday nights with your computer.

12.You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number.

13.You've never actually met many of your friends.

14.You remember how to use DOS.

15.You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."

16.Only computer users can understand you.

17.Your home page is longer than your resume.

18.You've ever installed Linux.

9.You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.

20.You always understand Dilbert.

21.You regularly drink Jolt cola.

22.You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.

23.You have multiple email addresses.

24.You've ever setup a LAN in your house.

25.You understood the above statement.

26.You search the Internet for computer humor.

27.Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.

28.You keep spare mouse pads.

29.You buy your computer gifts.

30.You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.

31.Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol"..

32.You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.

33.You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.

34.You have ever called home to check on your computer.

35.You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.

36.You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.

38.You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them.

39.You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the same house.

40.You check your email before you check your answering machine.

41.You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.

42.You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.

43.You receive more chat requests than phone calls.

44.You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line.

45.You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a new computer virus.

46.You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.

47.You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.

48.You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.

49.You call in sick to work over your computer.

50.Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.

51.You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.

52.You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer.

53.You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.

54.You have more than one home page.

55.The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.

56.You have a better computer system at home than at work.

57.You get jealous when other people use your computer.

58.You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the dog.

59.You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.

60.You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.

61.You have the high score on Jezz Ball.

62.You know what word 31337 stands for.

63.You keep spare computer parts around the house.

11-20-98

The Story of the Clocks

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around.

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights; the golf course, the reading room and the library, the observation room, the cafeteria and then finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guys asks, "What's up with those clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others, He asks, "why is that?"

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

11-19-98

ENTRANCE EXAM -- COLLEGE ATHLETE VERSION Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little handis on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. Essay question: In 20 words or less, list all of the words that you know. (HINT: These are words.)

11-18-98

A BOY AND HIS FROG

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the from out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beauti- ful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *any- thing* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

11-17-98

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to our- selves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be ..

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives inde- pendently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citi- zens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

11-16-98

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

11-15-98

Bill, Bill & Boris (meet God)

God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And, when they were all there, God said: "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth, so I've decided to destroy it.

The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice." So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced: "I've got good news and I've got bad news The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in one week."

Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced: "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. The worse news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in a week

Bill Gates, meanwhile, called all of his programmers, marketing experts, and administrators together and announced: "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the 3 most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 98."

11-14-98

You may be an Alcoholic if :

You loose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely belive alcohol to be the elusive 5'th food group.

Two hands and just one mouth... Now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. -- hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That darned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

11-13-98

The man of the house finally took all his family's disabled umbrellas to the repair shop. Two days later, on the way to his office, when he got up to leave the streetcar, he absentmindedly got hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him. The woman cried out, "Stop. thief!" and rescued her umbrella, causing the man shame and confusion.

The same day, he stopped at the shop and received all eight of his umbrellas which had been repaired. As he entered a streetcar with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to see the lady of his morning adventure glaring at him. Her voice was loud with withering scorn: "Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

11-12-98

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM", has no proton or electrons and thus has an atomic weight of 0 (zero). However, it does have one neutron, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 232. These 232 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electron, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to researchers, a tiny, minute, amount of Administratium, added to one reaction caused it to take four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Adminsitratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure. Carefully ignoring the morons surrounding you during a reorganization is also helpful.

11-11-98

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Gilligan's Island

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called "McGyver.")

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Mary Ann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Mary Ann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did nothing during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring turmoil of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."--attributed to Senator S. I. Hayakawa

11-10-98

Isn't it strange that when you fall from the top of a fifteen story building, your fear of heights suddenly turns into a terminal fear of the ground....

11-9-98

Thomas Meters was terribly disturbed at the huge size of his winter heating bill. But, like most men, he was a man with plenty of know-how. So, he listed his name with every direct mail advertising imaginable, and now heats his home with the tons of paper that flood his huge mailbox. He has so darned much paper that half of it is given to his neighbors....they can save dough by using junk mail to heat their houses too!

11-8-98

Two old buddies met on Main Street and began chatting.

Len said "Look here, Pete, are you wearing a hearing aid? Is that new?"

"Yep, it's new alright. It cost a bundle....over one thousand bucks."

"Wow, that's expensive. It must be one of those super hearing aids. What kind is it?"

"Half past three."

11-7-98

TRIVIA:

In just one day, 6.8 billion gallons of water are used to flush all of the toilets in the United States.

The Pentagon building has 685 water fountains.

The life-span of a one dollar bill is about eighteen months.

Americans spend more money on cat food than baby food...about two billion dollars annually.

The first Post Office in the American colonies was in a tavern!

Literally translated, the Italian word "linguine" means "little tongues."

Attempted suicide used to be a capital crime in England. Those convicted usually got a death sentence.

An old Virginia ordinance, still in force, prohibits putting bathtubs in the house. They can only be kept in the yard.

You're breaking the law if you fall asleep in a bathtub in Detroit, Michigan.

When J. C. Penney (middle name Cash) opened his first department store in 1902, it was called the Golden Rule.

The average worker in the US in 1905 made $523.12 per year.

The Sunday Independent (a Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania newspaper) recently reported a story about a woman who returned home after a hospital stay and found the first floor rear door to her home forced open. In a search, the only item found missing was a four-pack of Charmin toilet tissue.

The average person will exhale enough air during a lifetime to inflate more than 30 Goodyear blimps.

You can't sneeze with your eyes open!

The average American will spend five years of his life waiting in lines, either on foot or at the wheel of his car. He will take almost 26,000 showers. He will spend 30 months reading newspapers. He will laugh about 400 thousand times and he will save about 26 thousand dollars by using coupons.

A Florida law makes it illegal to fall asleep under a hair dryer.

===========================================================================

TRIVIA:

-Horse drawn carriages were used to deliver mail in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh as late as 1955.

-In 1900, rural mail carriers distributed weather reports to farmers.

-Until 1872, a person convicted of robbing a mail carrier could be put to death.

-The Post Office operated all of the telephone and telegraph systems until 1919.

-The US Postal Service handles 40 percent of all of the world's mail, and it processed 166 billion pieces last year. In one week, nearly two million pieces of mail hit the "Dead Letter Office"....enough to create a stack of missing mail over two miles high.

-In 1770, the British Parliament declared a marriage to be null and void if a woman used artificial devices to seduce a man into marriage. False teeth and wigs were considered fraudulent.

-The supersonic Concorde travels at a speed of over 2,000 miles per hour....and a snail moves at the rate of 25 feet an hour.

-The nuclear weapons on just one Trident missile submarine contain eight times the total firepower expended in all of World War II.

-The average American is 32 years old, 5 feet 4 inches tall, weighs 143 pounds, wears glasses or contacts, has brown hair, carries $104. on his or her person, is married, has one child who is named Michael or Jennifer, charges $2,000. per year on ten credit cards, has two television sets, six radios, a VCR and a stereo.

-Thomas J. Watson, Jr., the President of IBM in 1958, did not see much of a future for computers. He said, "There is a world market for about five computers."

-Penicillin doesn't kill germs, it only stops their reproduction.

-In 1595, the royal physician to Queen Elizabeth, prescribed a mixture of "muck, amber, gold, pearl and unicorn's horn" to relieve the British Ambassador's constipation.

-People long ago thought that a sneeze was a sign that death was near, so they started saying "God bless you" as a kind of condolence for what might be a last "Achoo."

11-6-98

The Creator made us with two ends - one on which to sit, the other with which to think. Our success depends upon which end we use the most. Heads we win, tails we lose.

11-5-98

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted o Drunk gets nine months in violin case o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents o Farmer Bill dies in house o Iraqi head seeks arms o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? o Stud tires out o Prostitutes appeal to Pope o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again o British left waffles on Falkland Islands o Eye drops off shelf o Teacher strikes idle kids o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead o Squad helps dog bite victim o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told o Miners refuse to work after death o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant o Stolen painting found by tree o Two soviet ships collide, one dies o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 o War dims hope for peace o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while o Cold wave linked to temperatures o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

===========================================================================

Human error, compounded by the rush of getting the newspaper out, has given the world the following actual headlines:

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT --Waterbury (CT) Republican

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE --Toronto Globe and Mail

SPLIT REARS IN FARMER MOVEMENT --Denver Post

PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER --St. Petersburg Times

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION --Los Angeles Times

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY --Belleview (IL) News-Democrat

GORILLAS VOW TO KILL KHOMENI --Munsun (PA) Valley Independent

BLIND WOMAN GETS KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS --Alabama Journal

SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 13 YEARS IN CHECKOUT LINE AT SUPERMARKET --Arkansas Democrat

===========================================================================

Some memorable headlines

JURY GETS DRUNK DRIVING CASE HERE

MAN IS FATALY SLAIN

NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK

PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION

SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS

HOTEL BURNS. TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD

INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE

SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

SENAT PASSES DEATH PENALTY Measure provides for Electrocution for all persons over 17.

Thugs eat then rob proprieter

Scent foul play in death of man found bound and hanged

Dog in bed, asks divorce

WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT

BOY COOKS MUST EAT OWN VITALS

11-4-98

[Provided by: SD GAUSE]

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seek Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree. 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Driver Pays $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charges 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping the Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Man Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

11-3-98

THE HARDY BOYS DRINKING GAME by Brian Sebby, data@imsa.edu Last update: Oct. 19, 1995

This is like all the other drinking games on the net, except that you drink while reading, instead of watching the TV. For this game, you can choose whatever you'd like to drink, although with the subject matter being what it is, I'd recommend Kool-Ade. :)

This file was inspired by discussions between me and my roommates about random weird things we remembered from the Hardy Boys.

Other people have given me ideas for this list. If I did not come up with one of the lines, I have attributed it to the person who thought of it.

I don't know if any of this is applicable to Nancy Drew, but you can try! :)

And so it begins...

Drink every time their father is offered a case, and he lets Frank and Joe investigate it.

Drink every time the Hardy Boys suddenly decide to fly somewhere, and don't seem to need any money.

Drink every time someone says something to the effect of "Oh, you're Fenton's boys!" and gives them access they couldn't get access to otherwise.

Drink every time something way to convienient occurs to help them investigate the case. (e.g. They're investigating a fire department, and there's a fire engine factory just outside of town.)

Drink every time Frank and Joe get access to new or experimental technology.

Drink every time one of the Hardy Boy's friends gets kidnapped. Drink twice if it's Chet Morton.

Drink every time money is mentioned or used, and it isn't directly related to the main plot of the story. (Sorry, this'll never happen.)

Drink every time something completely impossible happens. (e.g. Frank and Joe pilot the Space Shuttle.)

Drink every time a ghost or supernatural force is revealed to be a criminal plot.

Drink every time the bad guys do something completely stupid.

Drink every time Frank and Joe go to school. (Again, it'll never happen.)

Drink every time Frank and Joe find a secret passage.

Drink every time the Hardys meet Nancy Drew.

Drink every time Frank finds Joe unconcious, and vice-versa.

Drink every time Joe gets in a fight.

Drink every time the Hardys recieve a clue in the form of a puzzle. Drink twice if it's the chapter's cliffhanger.

Drink every time someone mentioned that they had worked with their father when he was on the New York Police Force.

Drink every time one of the Hardy boys acts like Mr. Spock by knowing obscure or helpful knowledge that JUST HAPPENS to relate to the story at hand. (e.g. they go to Germany, and speak perfect German.) Drink twice if it's Frank.

Drink every time someone is hypnotized or brainwashed.

Drink every time the Hardy Boys leave the continent (16 and 17, mind you) without any form of a legal or appointed gaurdian. -Dan Brown, chronos@imsa.edu

Drink every time the Hardy Boys violate curfew (In most states, 12:00 midnight). -Dan Brown, chronos@imsa.edu

Drink every time Frank and Joe run into some Law enforcement angent that doesn't care who their father is, and ends up apologizing at the end of the case. Drink twice if it is a sherif. -Dan Brown, chronos@imsa.edu

And finally... Drink everytime the bad guys attack with chloroform instead of guns.

11-2-98

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's four dollars and ninety-five cents a minute.

11-1-98

The Mayor had been invited to speak to the students of the local elementary school on the subject of Americanism. He began his talk by saying, "It's wonderful to live in American. I remember when I was a boy in grade school....those were the happiest days of my life. And, I can tell by looking at your faces that you, too, are happy. Why are you so happy today?"

Although he asked the question merely to make a point, one little fellow did raise his hand. The Mayor called on him, asking "Why are you so happy today?"

"Well, you see," said the boy, "if you keep talking for another ten minutes, we won't have time for our history lesson and we'll go straight to recess."

10-30-99

Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into Pinky's barber shop.

"I want a Tony Curtis haircut."

So Pinky started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhoea and was yapping non stop about movies and movie stars.

"Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too." as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. "Wasn't he great in `The King and I?'"

10-29-98

Wife: I got this girdle today for a ridiculous figure. Husband: I know. But how much did it cost?

****

Wife: Why do you go on the balcony when I sing? Don't you like to hear me? Husband: I want the neighbors to see I'm not beating my wife.

****

Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

****

Wife: Honey, will you still love me after I put on a few pounds? Husband: Yes, I do.

10-28-98

Are You a Real Guy? (by Dave Barry) Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of inter- galactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.

How to Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

10-27-98

The theatre usher quickly dashed down front where a man was crawling around on his hands and knees.

"Sir," he said, "you're disturbing several people around you. What's the problem?"

"I've lost my gum! said the man as the continued to search around the seats.

"Sir," the usher said, "if that's your only problem, let me offer you another stick of gum so you can sit down and watch the show. A stick of gum is not worth all this disturbance."

"But I'm afraid you don't understand," explained the man, "my false teeth are in that gum!"

10-26-98

SIGNS OF GROWING OLDER

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

Your children began to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find its leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying the second coat.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You back goes out more than you do.

The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

10-23-98

Harry Blocker used to say that if groceries at the supermarket got any more expensive, he'd carry his money to the market in a shopping cart and his groceries home in his briefcase.

10-22-98

Three departed souls were standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said to them, "In order to enter these gates, you must first tell me the meaning of Easter".

The first soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a time when families come together to enjoy a turkey dinner and give thanks for their many blessings".

St. Peter pointed downward and with that the soul vanished. The second soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a holiday where people decorate a pine tree and place presents under it".

Again St. Peter pointed downward and the soul vanished.

The third soul stepped up and said, " Easter is all about a man named Jesus who lived about 2,000 years ago. He spoke of the coming of God's kingdom and he performed many miracles. Soon the leaders of the temple became angry at him, so they had him put to death. Three days later, he arose from the dead and stepped out of his tomb...."

At this, Saint Peter began to smile, until the soul continued... "then Jesus saw his shadow and we had 6 more weeks of winter"

10-21-98

This is someone else's story not mine, but please enjoy!

I was driving along listening to the news and heard the report that the US Embasy in Moscow had been attacked by a grenade launcher. The grenade went through the wall and was stopped by a photocopy machine. No one was injured in the blast. Oddly, my first thought was, "Boy, do I feel sorry for the poor jerk that has the service contract on that machine."

10-20-98

After getting married, the newlyweds decided to have a house built. When everything was almost finished, they met with the builder to discuss interior paint colors. In the first room they chose a light blue color. "I think that will look great," the builder said... and he walked over to the window, leaned out and yelled, "Green side up!" Although the new homeowners thought the builder's behavior was strange, they didn't say anything. In the second room, the couple felt yellow walls would help brighten the room. "I agree. I think that will look great," the builder said...and he walked over to the window, leaned out and yelled, "Green side up!" Again, the homeowners said nothing.

In the third room, the homeowners thought their daughter would like pink walls. "Great choice," the builder said...and for a third time he walked over to the window, leaned out and yelled even louder this time, "Green side up!"

Finally, curiousity got the best of the husband. "Listen," he said, "We've been in three different rooms and picked out a different color for each one. Yet, you go over to the window, lean out and yell, 'Green side up' each time. What's going on?" "Sorry about that," said the builder. "I hired some IU grads to lay sod"

10-19-98

THE GREEDIEST, MEANEST MAN in town was in the hospital, undergoing surgery.

Man: "Why are the shades drawn, Doctor?"

Doctor: "There's a big fire across the street. I didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."

10-18-98

"I'm rarely surprised by anything I find in my son's pockets," says Mrs. Brown. "But I was curious when I discovered a wad of grass there one day. When I asked him why the grass was in his pocket, he explained: 'Mom, that worm in there had to eat, didn't he?'"

10-17-98

A duck walked into a department store and asked the clerk if he had any grapes. The clerk said no, it was the shoe department and he had no grapes. The duck proceeded to waddle away.

A few minutes later the duck looked up and noticed this duck waddling toward him again. The duck asked the clerk if he had any grapes. The clerk, losing his temper, replied that he had no grapes and not to bother him due to being too busy for that type of antics.

The duck waddled away.

Not more than 5 minutes later, in waddles the duck. Directly to the clerk he went. "Got any grapes?"

The clerk, steaming, replied, "If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I am going to nail those flat feet of yours to the floor!"

The duck shrugged his shoulders and waddled out the door. Two seconds later the duck approaches the clerk, "Got any nails?"

The clerk, "NO, WE JUST SELL SHOES!"

The duck, "Got any grapes?"

(with credit {if that's the word} to Patrick Long at 1:202/1010, who first posted this here last August)

10-16-98

[GRAMMAR RULES FOR THE UNENLIGHTENED; OR, HOW TO WRITE GOOD]

Don't use no double negatives

Don't never use no triple negatives.

No sentence fragments Corollary: Complete sentences: important.

Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

All generalizations are bad. Corollary: All statements must be specific.

Never listen to advice.

Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.

Anarchy should be the law. Corollary: I will establish democracy by dictatorial decree.

Everyone should be a non-conformist.

People who insult others are jerks.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Death to intolerance.

Down with categorical imperatives.

Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep going, they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever...if you get my drift...

Nobody has a right to his opinion.

Never contradict yourself always.

Good people like I are never self-righteous.

You should never use the second person.

The passive voice should never be used.

We Scorpios don't believe in astrology.

When dangling, watch your participles.

Why no, Ossifer, I'm not under the alcofluence of incohol.

Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...

Always do what is right, even if it's wrong.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."

Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!

Remember to end each sentence with a period

Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.

Don't use question marks inappropriately?

Don't be terse.

Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.

Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date slang.

Stop calling me immature or I'll tell on you.

Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors.

Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground, take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing your metaphors.

We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims.

Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent exaggerations.

Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating antediluvian alliterations.

10-15-98

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed. "What's the matter, son," asked his mother. "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet." "What do you mean `all wet?'" "I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

10-14-98

GOOD NEWS! a man has made a succesful jump from a plane. BAD NEWS! his parachute won't open. GOOD NEWS! there is a large haystack directly below him. BAD NEWS! there is a pitchfork in the haystack directly below him. GOOD NEWS! he missed the pitch fork. BAD NEWS! he missed the haystack. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once, a long time ago there were two little boys who loved baseball. these little boys were best friends and decided that when they got old whomever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. one little boy was 2nd baseman and the other was a pitcher well they got old and the pitcher died first. one day the one who didn't die was watching baseball and suddenly the roof of his house opened up and down floated the pitcher, he said I have good news and I have bad news the good news is there is baseball in heaven. And the bad news inquired the ex 2nd baseman? the pitcher replied the bad news is your playing on 2nd base tommorow.

10-13-98

Nashville, Tennessee:

"Sometimes when you've got a couple of years, sit down and write a book about your life. Once you get past all the lies you've told and the lies you believe, then you get down to the real part of writing a book and you look at yourself and say, `I can't do this!'"

George Lindsey, a.k.a. Goober on "The Andy Griffith Show," in his new book, "Goober in a Nutshell"

10-12-98

Thought this was a good illustration of God knowing what he was doing even though we might not.

THE GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recog- nize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture per- fect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

10-11-98

Guy tells his wife he's going to play 18 holes of golf one Saturday afternoon...She gets mad at him for always wasting time on the golf course every weekend. He leaves the house with his wife still nagging him. On the first hole there is a beautiful blond playing by herself. She asks him to play as a twosome. He agrees. After nine holes she tells him she's hot and thirsty and invites him to her condo right off the ninth green. They go over to her place and after a couple of beers she starts coming on to him and they end up making love for several hours and fall to sleep. He finally wakes up and sees that it is after dark. In a panic he throws on his clothes and leaves for home. Frantic, he tries to think up a plausible lie to tell his wife why he's so late. He finally decides that 'honesty is the best policy' and opts to tell her the truth! He walks in the house and she's in a fury : "Where the heck have you been?" Golfer : "Well, honey, I met this blond on the first hole and one thing led to another and we ended up making love and I fell asleep over at her place." Wife : "You liar!!!! You played 36 holes didn't you!!!!!"

===========================================================================

"Sweetheart, today is our wedding anniversary. Do you remember that great day in our lives?" "Boy, do I! Why, that was the day I sank a twenty-five foot putt!" ........

"Hey Doctor, we've got an emergency! The baby just swallowed all my tees." "I'll be there at once." "But tell me what to do till you get here, Doctor." "Practice your putting." ........

"How'd the game go today, Dear? Did you win?" "No, but I got a lot of practice. I got to hit the ball more than anyone else." ........

Did you hear about the Mexican-American couple, Marie and Juan, both avid golfers. In fact, the only time they were able to get along amicable was on the golf course. But finally things reached an impasse and Marie shot a hole in Juan. ........

My husband is a golf nut," Theresa complained. "But it does have one advantage...it makes him take showers." ........

A physician's wife who was left alone every Sunday protested to her husband: "Leroy, how is it that you never ask me to play golf with you?" "My Dear," the hubby replied, "there are just three events in a person's life that must be done alone: testify, die and putt!"

10-10-98

While driving along a main street in a busy city, a lady was stopped by a policeman who was spot-checking cars. After testing the brakes, lights, turn signals and horn, the officer asked to see her drivers license. "It says here corrective lenses, Why aren't you wearing glasses?" he demanded. "I've got contacts," replied the lady. The officer EXPLODED! "I don't care WHO you know, you're supposed to be wearing glasses!"

10-9-98

First girl: Weren't you kind of nervous when your boyfriend gave you all those beautiful gifts?

Second girl: No. I just kept calm and collected.

10-8-98

A tightwad was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

10-7-98

There are three ways to get something done:

(1) Do it yourself.

(2) Hire someone to do it for you.

(3) Forbid your kids to do it.

10-6-98

Have you heard that germs can be passed from one person to another on dollar bills? Well, that is simply not true because nothing, but nothing, could live on a dollar.

10-5-98

The teacher called on little Joey. "Tell me what you know about George Washington. Was he a soldier or a sailor?" "I think he was a soldier," replied Joey. "Why do you say that?" "I saw a picture of him when he was crossing the Delaware, and any sailor knows enough not to stand up in a rowboat."

10-4-98

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. And of course, just how unnatural that would be, the world might freak out! It could create a religious and scientific panic! No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered it for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

10-3-98

An Arab, lost in the desert, was in the last extremes of the agony of thirst. His camel was dead; his possessions were strewn behind him; and he himself was crawling feebly forward. His eyesight was dimming and his brain was whirling, when his fingers touched a stoppered flask in the sand. Thinking it might contain water he unstoppered it.

A swirl of smoke issued forth, coalescing into a giant turbaned figure. "My deliverer!" boomed the figure. "I am a long-imprisoned genie and as a reward for freeing me, I will give you three wishes."

"Water!" gasped the Arab.

At once a huge flagon of sparkling clear, cold water was in his hand. He drank thirstily.

"Your second wish, my deliverer," said the genie.

"A palace," said the Arab, "of a hundred rooms in a fruitful oasis, with palm trees all about, herds of camels, and bevies of beautiful dancing girls." And as he wished, so it was.

"And your third wish, my deliverer?" asked the genie.

"Well." said the Arab, "I have saved my life with my first wish, insured my future with my second, and for the third wish, it is time to consider my people. Oh, genie, for my third and last wish__destroy the nation of Israel."

And at once the palace was gone and the Arab was back on the desert dying of thirst.

Moral: Be careful of what you wish. The genie you rescue may be Jewish.

10-2-98

IN THE BEGINNING (A programmers view of Genesis)

(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed on yet. :God. #Enter user password. :Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Omnipotent. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Technocrat. #And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again! :Create light. #Done. :Run heaven and earth. #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and #Unrecognizable command! Try again! :Create firmament. #Done. :Run firmament. #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in string specification! Try again. :Create dryland. #Done! :Run dryland. #And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. #Unspecified type. Try again! :Create sunmoonstars. #And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54:00. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m.,Thurday, March 5. :Create fish. #Done. :Create fowl. #Done. :Run fish'nfowl. #And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6. :Create cattle. #Done. creepythings. #Done. :Now let us make man in our image. #Unspecified type! Try again. :Create man. #Done. :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands! Try again. multiplication. #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden. #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Gard.En. #Done. :Move man to Gard.En. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man. #Illegal parameters. Try again! :Insert man into woman. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire. #Done. :Run multiplication. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill. #Done. :Run freewill. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire. #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. :Destroy freewill. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help! #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create Treeofknowledge. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good'nevil. #Done. :Activate evil. #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En. #1 errors. :Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again! :Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Search failed. :Delete shame. #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Destroy freewill. #Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. :Stop! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF. :Create new world. #You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth. #Destroy earth. Please confirm.

10-1-98

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."