Wesley's Joke of the Day Archive
Last Updated 6-28-00. It's been over a year now since I last updated this page...I'll be working to get the old sent jokes transferred to this page as time allows.
I once had a small mailing list of people to whom I would send a joke every day, but that has not happened for some time. If you'd like to see that resume and would like to be on the list, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I may consider resuming the Joke of the Day Mailing list.
Three liberals found a magic genie, and he offered him a wish.
The first liberal said " I want to be 100 times smarter than I amnow."
OK said the Genie. And he was.
The second said "I want to be 1000 times smarter"
OK said the genie. And he was.
The third said " I want to be 10000 times smarter."
The genie said "Are you sure you know the consequences?"
The third liberal said "Yes", so the genie used his magic, and POOF:
He turned into Rush Limbaugh!!!
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week -- three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's Funeral, up she comes! About your father -- he has a lovely new job. He has over five hundred men under him -- he is cutting grass at the cemetery. About your Sister -- she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl yet so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully. So he drowned with a glow on. We cremated him -- he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out OK. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned -- they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your brother is the neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids except for the Murphy family -- they have boys. Grandpa went to the doctor; He wasn't feeling too good. The doctor told him, "You'll be taking these pills for the rest of your life." Grandpa is upset because the doctor gave him only four pills. Our neighbor's wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man. Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you the ten dollars you asked for, but I already sealed the envelope.
Michael needed some legal advice, and all of his friends warned him about lawyers- they were a mean and greedy bunch, they all agreed. However, he had no choice, so he looked in the phone book and found the name of Ben Blagdon. He made an appointment and was ushered in to see the lawyer. Remembering his friends' advice, he was on guard. "First things first, Mr. Blagdon. What's your fee for a consultation like this?" "Five hundred dollars for three questions." Michael was taken aback. "Are you serious? Isn't that a bit steep for three measley questions?" "It sure is. What's your third question?"
There was a planeload of lawyers going to a convention in Las Vegas. The plane was hijacked and the hostage takers forced the pilot to land at Las Vegas Airport but would not allow him to taxi to the jetway. The plane was quickly surrounded by police and federal agents. The hijackers demanded 3 million dollars or they threatened to release 2 lawyers every hour.
Letter from son at school:
Dear Dad, Gue$$ what I need mo$t. That'$ right. $end it $oon.
Be$t wi$he$, Jay
Dear Jay, NOthing ever happens here. We kNOw you like school. Write aNOther letter soon. Mom was asking about you at NOon.
NOw I have to say good-bye. Dad
The foreman watched a new worker carrying sacks of cement. All the other workers carried two sacks on each trip, but the new man carried one. The foreman asked him why.
"I'm glad you noticed," the new man said. "I guess those other guys are just too lazy to make two trips."
A wealthy man who is going to die, and he wants to take as much of his money with him as he can. So, he meets with the three people he trusts most - his preacher, his doctor and his lawyer - and gives them each $30,000 and instructs each to put the money in his coffin at the funeral.
At at the funeral, the three in turn each put an envelope in the coffin.
When they leave the funeral, the preacher says "I have to confess. He attended my church, and it was in bad need of repair. So, I took $10,000 to repair the church and only put in $20,000."
Then, the doctor says "I also have a confession. There was a piece of machinery that could have saved his life. So, I took $20,000 to get this device, so that others could benefit, and only put $10,000 in the coffin."
Then the lawyer says "You guys are terrible!
I left a personal cheque for the full $30,000 in my envelope!"
A biker appeared in court one day to testify on behalf of a friend when the prosecuting attorney asked him, "Isn't it true that you were offered $5000 to throw this case??". The biker calmly gazed out the window, ignoring the attorney. Most annoyed, the prosecutor again thundered, "I said, isn't it true that you were offered $5000 to throw this case?!??". The judge, seeing that the biker continued to ignore the question, leaned over and said, "You will answer the question", to which the biker replied, "Oh. Sorry, your honor. I thought he was talking to you"...
From another Net, posting wacky laws from "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader:
-In Las Vegas, Nevada, it's against the law to pawn your dentures.
-In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
-If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
-It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water in Vermont.
-In Alabama, it's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
-In Barber, North Carolina, it's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).
-It's illegal to sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Michigan...and illegal to walk you elephant without a leash in Wisconsin.
After MURPHY'S LAW, There's...
THE IMMACULATE-OVEN LAW Any casserole, pie, stew, cobbler or souffle baked in a newly cleaned oven will automatically boil over.
THE SUPERMARKET LAW Any line you wheel into at the check-out counter, no matter how short, will automatically come to a halt and remain that way until your ice cream has melted and dropped into your shoes.
THE LEFTOVER LAW Any food that would be delicious as a leftover will never be left over.
THE LAUNDRY LAW The average washer or dryer will, in its lifetime, consume its own weight in socks... with a limit of one sock per pair.
THE BARGAIN-BASEMENT LAW Any dress on sale at 50% off and fit to wear to an occasion more elegant than a wheel alignment will never be available in your size.
THE CHICKEN-CROSSING-THE-ROAD LAW Any person trying to cross a highway from a side road will find that traffic, nonexistent seconds before, will now build to holiday-weekend proportions.
THE CLEAN HOUSE LAW If you wax the floors, wash the windows, scrub the walls and rinse out the light fixtures, no living soul will come to your door. Conversely, if you fail to dust, leave the dishes in the sink and let the children bathe the dog in the tub, your front porch will sag with unexpected visitors.
Here's a listing of some rather interesting laws which were passed in the U.S. Taken from the Seattle P-I (Tuesday, Sep. 4 page B-9) with no permission whatsoever. All spellings mistakes are mine. These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker; $8.95) Enjoy!..................
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, frantically leafing through the Bible.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.
The longest word in the English Language is the one following the phrase `And now a word from our sponsor.'
A speaker had delivered a long lecture, and after he was done one of the listeners worked up the nerve to mention it. "That was a very long speech," he said. "Well," said the speaker, "there was no clock in the hall, so I couldn't check the time I was taking." "Ah," said the other, "But there was a calendar on the wall."
A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.
After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "True, and they also WALKED every- where they went!"
Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key. "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked. "No," answered Clem. "People will think we're trying to break in." Lem said, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" "No," said Clem. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger. "Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sun roof is open!"
Wife: I'm happy to see that the neighbors finally returned our lawn mower before they moved. They certainly had it long enough.
Husband: Our lawn mower? I just bought it at the garage sale they're having.
The following post came from a Usenet newsgroup:
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. ........
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. ........
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. In a "true facts" books there was an explanation for this law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law passed. To keep this particular law from passing, he attached the train law to it. He hoped that his fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see how ridiculous it was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws. This may not be the real reason, but it sounds good. And it might explain some of the laws we have to live with. ........
It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah. ........
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. ........
In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor. ........
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. ........
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas. ........
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view." ........
Los Angeles "Daily News": Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said. ........
San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses. ........
In Germany, there is a law that every office must have a view of the sky, however small. So the office buildings are all long and skinny. ........
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. ........
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. ........
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. ........
A City Ordinance in Oklahoma, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. ........
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. ........
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. ........
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. ........
A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.
The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.
Pat McHenry and his wife, Martha, were getting ready to leave home for a vacation. Martha started out the door, then stopped and said, "Pat, this time you check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, burglar alarm on, doors locked, and I'll go out and blow the horn."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow- ing agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied two of my dependent deductions! I sent them the following letter:
Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of. You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Yours Truly, Mr. "John Smith"
A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up. Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together. She returned to bed without taking the drug. Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway. He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss. She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you." "OK," he said, "but I already know what it is...you ate my socks."
Every day Mr. Smith's secretary was 20 minutes late. Then one day she slid snugly into place only five minutes tardy. "Well," said Mr. Smith, "This is the earliest you've ever been late."
Early one morning a man called for a taxi to take him to the airport, which was a couple miles down the highway. He patiently waited about thirty minutes, and called the taxi company again to say that their cab had not arrived. The dispatcher assured the gentleman that it was on the way. However, several minutes later, he was still waiting. He had to call a third time, saying, "I need that taxi in a hurry. I've got to make that flight to the West Coast that is due to leave in thirty minutes."
The young lady on duty at the taxi company said, "I'm sorry for the delay. Your cab should be there any second now. But, don't worry. I'm sure you won't miss your plane because that flight is always late taking off."
"Well, one thing's for sure," the man said. "It will be very late taking off this morning because I'm the pilot."
An agency doing some research into juvenile delinquency decided to phone a "representative" number of households around 10:00 PM and ask if the parents knew where their children were. Well, at around half the numbers they called, they got kids on the phone who hadn't the foggiest clue where their parents were! (Honest!)
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"You can make it easy...that train isn't coming fast."
"Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty."
"Wife, these biscuits are tough."
"Let's see if it's loaded."
"Step on her, boy, we're only going 75."
"Just watch me dive from that bridge."
"If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop."
"Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it."
"What? Your mother is going to stay another month?"
"Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow?"
FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
4. We won't need reservations.
5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
Who's gonna see you way out here in the middle of nowhere?
I need this motorcade like a hole in the head -JFK
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you enjoy the play?
What can possibly go wrong?
Who's gonna know?
I didn't know it was going to do that!
Who would have guessed?
I'm from the IRS and I'm here to help you.
Who dropped this $20?
Who does your hair?
"What's wrong with using a hair dryer in the bathtub?"
"Trust me....you won't feel a thing."
"Over my dead body!"
"110 volts can't kill you."
"They just put those DANGER signs there to scare you."
"Toss me that bottle of nitroglycerine."
"Hey, that one way arrow is pointing the OTHER WAY!"
"It's almost impossible to crash one of these new ultra lights. Watch this."
The Lewis family owned a small farm in Canada, a stone's throw from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Lewis, who had just celebrated her eightieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and four grandchildren.
One day her son came into her bedroom, holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"Hmmmm," his mother said. "Don't hesitate. Tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Student: Do the Canadians have a Fourth of July?
Teacher: Of course not!
Student: What do they do? Go from the third to the fifth?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, `For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial....a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when in truth you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
These three strings want to get some beers, so they stop by this bar, but a sign in the window says "No strings will be serve here". First string says "I'll get us in. Wait here." So he string goes in and says "Bartender gimmie a beer!" Bartender "Hey, get outa here, we don't serve strings!" So he leaves.
The second strings says "I'll get us in". So the string pumps himself up lowers his voice and enters the bar. "Hey, you, bartender, gimmie a beer now!" Bartender "I told you and your stringy friend we don't serve strings! OUT!" So the second string leaves.
Third string say "What a bunch of wuses. I'll get us in" So the third string gets himself all ruffled up and ties himself out of shape and he enters the bar. "I want a beer, bartender." Bartender looks at him suspiciously and say "Hey, ain't you a string, too?" The string looks at him sternly and says "Nope, afraid knot."
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me...what do you think of my grandchildren?"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Two Irishmen, Mick and Taffy, are standing at the edge of a medium-sized cliff (about twenty meters high).
Mick has a budgie perched on each of his shoulders, and Taffy has two Parrots sitting on his.
"So are you ready then?" asks Taffy
"Sure," says Mick... "here I go then."
He leaps off the edge of the cliff, drops like a stone and splatters himself against the rocks at the bottom - damaging himself quite badly.
Taffy takes one look at this and, after a moments hesitation, decides he'll do better if he takes a bit of a run-up. He backs up a few paces, sprints to the edge of the cliff, and jumps....
Splat! He too lands in a crumpled, badly damaged heap close to where Mick is still trying to figure out what happened.
"I tell you one thing," says Mick, "this budgie jumping isn't for me eh?"
"Ay", says Taffy, "and this parrot gliding is quite dangerous too mate!"
A local federal judge died unexpectedly and found himself in a long line at Heaven's gate. The judge impatiently pushed his way to the front of the line and told St. Peter "I happen to be a federal judge, do you suppose that I could simply go on in right now?" St. Peter refused permission telling the judge that all are equal up here and he would just have to wait. The judge grumbled and returned to his place in line. After he got back in line, the judge noticed another federal judge in court robes and that certain aura of dignity, walking right past all of the other souls and swaggering right past the pearly gates and into paradise. The judge, quite upset, stormed up to Saint Peter (obviously unaccustomed to such treatment) and loudly complained "Now look here my good man I hate to complain but I already informed you that I am a federal judge but you refused to give me any preferential treatment; now I see you granting privilege to one of my colleagues. I must insist on being treated the same. Now if you'll just stand aside". Wao! Said St. Peter, blocking the judges way. "That was no federal judge sir, that was God. He just thinks he is a federal judge".
Two lawyers were going at one another as the trial started. One lawyer said to the other, "You are a complete and total fraud."
The other lawyer retorted, "You're a penny-stealing ambulance chaser."
The judge cut in, saying, "Now that you've identified one another, shall we go on with the case?"
FLASH! Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with Battery!
The first letter is one MIT sends out, The second is one they got back.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game. So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitch-hikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in. Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.
Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitch-hikes his way back over the border to Mexico.
When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was eet, the baseball game?" And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, `Jose, can you see?' "
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
The Sunday School teacher instructed the class to draw a picture showing an event in Jesus' life. Toward the end of the hour, she began collecting the art and complimenting the children.
"That's a lovely drawing of Jesus teaching the Lord's Prayer, Jim." "Martha, you made a fine drawing of the Sermon on the Mount." "Barbara, that's a nice picture of Jesus as a carpenter."
"Billy, what is this picture of 4 people in an airplane have to do with the life of Jesus?"
"But Miss Blake, that's Jesus and Mary and Joseph on the flight from Egypt. And that's Pontius the Pilot flying the plane."
Jesus was playing in the back yard and St. Joseph was fixing the roof in the front. All of a sudden Jesus gets up, runs around the front and says "Did you call me, Dad?" And St. Joseph says "Nah, I just hit my thumb."
From: the April 1997 issue of "Food Processing" Magazine
* Grapefruit, apples and pears will float in Jell-O; prunes and maraschino cherries won't.
* When hooked up to EEG machine, Jell-O demonstrates movement virtually identical to the brain waves of a healthy man or woman.
* Per capita consumption is highest in Salt Lake City.
* If all of the packages fo Jell-O gelatin dessert produced in one year were placed end-to-end, they would stretch three-fifths of the way aound the earth.
Stephen Nelson <StephenNelson@KennedyJenks.com> Peter Langston <email@example.com> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ROOM FOR JELL-O
Dear Dr. Science,
Why is there always room for Jell-O?
Mike P., Valparaiso, IN
The technical term for Jell-O, I believe is 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a colloidal mucous base. Early attempts to promote sales of the colorful and somewhat tasty product failed to catch on, perhaps because of the slogan "There's always room for 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a colloidal mucous base." Then they hired a copywriter to coin a catchier phrase for the product; the rest is history. Incidentally, our former commmanders-in-chief learned a lesson from this renaming. No longer do we have the MX missile; we have the Peacekeeper. So whether it's food or nuclear weapons, renaming a product makes unpleasant reality go down a little bit easier. Kind of like a midwestern family reunion potluck.
Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle
When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. - Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
(author unknown to me)
A preacher was talking about God to his congregation. "God is not white, God is not black. God is not a man, God is not a woman." A little girl turns to her dad and whispers "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"
"Toddler Property Laws"
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.
"There is now", read the printout. <End Clip> "And it's called Microsoft" continued the printout
Flanagan was driving home from the pub and weaving all over the road. The police stopped him and when he rolled down his window, the officer said "You're drunk!" to which he replied "Thanks be to God! I thought it was the steering!"
An actual exchange between Shanahan and the man at the hardware store: Shanahan: "How much are shovels?" Man: "Ten punts." S: "Ten punts? The man down the street is selling them for eight!" M: "Well, why didn't you buy them from him?" S: "He was out of them." M: "Well, when I'm out of them as well I'll sell them for eight." S: "Fine then, I'll be back when you don't have any."
Finnegan and O'Reilly are building a house. O'Reilly is nailing siding on the side of the house and taking forever. Finally Finnegan goes to check on him and sees O'Reilly looking at the nails and tossing some of them over his shoulder. "What are you doing, O'Reilly?" "The nails are defective, Finnegan; they have their points on the wrong end." Finnegan erupted, "YOU IDIOT! Those are for the other side of the house!"
AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first
time are teenagers.
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. [Ah! Women's liberation ]
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
19. Every person has a unique tongue print. [This could be the basis of an X-Files episode.]
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
The office manager was tearing her hair out. Every computer terminal in the room was lit up, the mainframe was humming comfortably, and everything looked exactly as it had when work had come to an end the night before. The only trouble was that nothing was working. Eight employees sat idly in front of their terminals, waiting for the service truck to arrive. The office manager imagined dollar bills flying out the window as she paced back and forth impatiently. At the sound of the approaching elevator, she stopped pacing. The doors slid open, and a smiling technician strolled into the office. "It's about time!" the office manager cried. "I don't know what's wrong. The mainframe is working, the terminals are on, everything seems to be hooked up properly." "Then what's the trouble?" the technician asked. "They type on the keyboards," the manager said, "and nothing shows up on the screen...nothing prints...n o t h i n g h a p p e ns!" With a little smile, the technician nodded. He walked over to the mainframe, examined the cable connections, and turned to the office manager. "Got it," he said. He turned back to the mainframe, reached toward the back of the console, and tapped the machine with the side of his hand. "It's working!" one of the employees called out. The manager grinned. "Great!" she said. "The man's a genius!" "Glad to be of service," the technician said. "That'll be six hundred dollars." The office manager stared at him in horror. "Six hundred dollars! Are you out of your mind? You were here less than thirty seconds. All you did was tap the machine. I won't pay a cent of the charge until you give me an itemized bill!" The technician pulled an invoice pad from his pocket, wrote something, tore off the page, and handed it to the office manager, saying, "Here's your itemized bill." The office manager read it aloud: Tapping the back of the console....$ 20.00 Knowing where to tap...............$580.00 ------- Total $600.00
Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.
You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.
As master of ceremonies, I am not going to stand up here and tell you a lot of old jokes. Our speaker, Mr._______, will do that for me.
Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech - he can do it with a short one.
I'm sorry to announce we have two disappointments tonight. Robert Redford couldn't make it, and _________ could.
... Me - indecisive? I'm not so sure about that. . .
You know you're an Internet addict when ...
* ... your connection goes down suddenly and when you try to reconnect, you are unable to get a dial tone. Stumbling out into the front hall, you discover under the pile of unopened mail two bills and three final demands from British Telecom, the earliest dated six weeks ago.
* ... you get fired from your job, and all you can think is "At least I'll be able to spend more time on-line now."
* ... an attractive single person of your preferred sex and orientation asks you over to their place for supper and you try to persuade them to meet you on IRC instead.
* ... they finally manage to convince you to leave the house, and you turn up for the date with a bottle of cheap wine and a laptop with an internal modem.
* ... you contemplate doing a bank-job so that you can buy a leased line, but reject the idea on the grounds that if it goes wrong you probably won't be able to get a terminal in your cell in Pentonville.
* ... you finally open the curtains and discover that the other side of the street has been bulldozed and turned into a theme park, the local posse have spray-painted a mural on the front of your house, and there's been a rave in progress on your front lawn for the last week: "Now, when did that happen?"
* ... the lettering on the keys 'n', 't', 'p', 'k', 'i' and 'c' on your keyboard has been worn away to nothing, but that doesn't matter because you can type 'nntp kick' with your eyes closed anyway.
* ... your phone bill is delivered by Parcelforce, and Securicor come round to pick up the payment cheque.
* ... you're convinced that nothing ever happens on Saturday and Sunday because they don't update the Electronic Telegraph during the weekends.
* ... someone asks you your name, and you have to connect to an X.500 server before you can tell them.
* ... you're filling out a warranty registration card and you can't remember where you live, so you write down the URL of your home page instead.
* ... you log off for four minutes to make yourself a cup of coffee and British Telecom assume there must have been a fault on the line and send round an engineer to fix it.
* ... you install two phone-lines and an extra serial card so that you can 'hot-swap' modems without losing your connection.
* ... you spend quarter of an hour thinking up stupid "You know you're addicted when ..." jokes to post to your local newsgroup.
I have, of course, never done any of these things.
These quotes, taken from the Toronto news, are actual statements found on insurance forms and were written by drivers who were attempting to describe details of an accident in as few words as possible.
1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3) I thought my window was down but found that it was up when I put my hand through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7) The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9) In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
10) I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11) I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my U-joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
13) My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
15) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
16) The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
17) I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
18) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
19) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
20) The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
A doctor was consulted by a prizefighter who was troubled with insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep? asked the doctor.
"Yes, but it doesn't help. Every time I get to nine, I jump up."
Former President Ronald Reagan likes to tell a story, which he says is true, about a newspaper photographer out in Los Angeles who was called in by his editor and told of a fire that was raging out in Palos Verdes, a hilly area south of Los Angeles. His assignment was to rush down to a small airport, board a waiting plane, get some pictures of the fire, and be back in time for the afternoon edition.
Breathlessly, he raced to the airport and drove his car to the end of the runway. Sure enough, there was a plane waiting with the engines all revved up, ready to go. He got aboard, and at about five thousand feet, he began getting his camera out of the bag. He told the fellow flying the plane to get him over the fire so he could take his pictures and get back to the paper. From the other side of the cockpit there was a deafening silence. Then he heard these unsettling words:
"Ah...Aren't you the instructor?"
Mother of a small boy to child psychiatrist: "Well, I don't know whether or not he feels insecure, but everybody else in the neighborhood certainly does!"
The Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder you had it in the old days:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a darn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company
From: Employment Insurance Company
To: John Hacker Smith
Subj: Clarification of Block 3
In your accident reporting form, you indicated in Block 3, "poor planning" as the cause of the accident. In view of the medical expenses being greater than $50,000.00 and the time loss in excess of 6 months, we would like you to explain a bit more fully the nature of the mishap.
From: John Hacker Smith
To: Employment Insurance Company
Subj: Request for clarification of Medical Expenses and Time Loss due to the accident that occurred while laying bricks on the top floor of a new down town building.
I'm writing in response to your request for a little additional information to clarify items I indicated in block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put in block number 3 "poor planning" as the cause of the accident. You indicated in your letter I should explain a bit more fully due to the fact that the medical expenses and time loss were a lot. I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of the new 20 story office building on Main street. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the building, brought up many bricks that would not be used. Rather than carry the now unneeded bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a bucket by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to a pole at the top of the building.
Securing a rope at ground level, I went to the top of the building, and loaded the bricks into the bucket. Then I went back to the ground and untied the afore-mentioned secured rope, holding it tightly to insure a safe and slow descent of the bucket of bricks.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 155 pounds. Un-be-knownst to me, the bucket of bricks weighed considerably more than that!
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at an unusually rapid rate up the side of the building!
In the vicinity of the 10th floor, I met up with the bucket of bricks while it was coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
I was slowed down slightly, but continued my ascent of the building, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were about two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time my initial surprise was abated and I had the presence of mind to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. This will explain the multiple fractures of the right hand.
At approximately the same time, however, the bucket of bricks hit the ground. This caused the bucket to split apart slightly, dumping many of the bricks onto the ground. Devoid of much of the weight of the bricks, the bucket now weighed much less that 155 pounds.
I refer you again to block number 11 which references my weight. As you might imagine, I immediately began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building.
Again in the vicinity of the 10th floor, I met up with the ascending bucket which contained the remaining bricks. This meeting accounts for the two fractured ankles and associated lacerations along my legs and buttocks.
This encounter with the bucket did, fortunately, slow my descent which lessened the injuries as I fell onto the pile of bricks which had previously fallen out of the damaged bucket, and accounts for the damage to only 3 vertebrae.
At this point I am sorry to report, that as I lay on the ground along with the bricks previously mentioned, in pain, unable to stand, and looking at the bucket which was now 20 floors above me, I again momentarily lost my presence of mind --- I let go of the rope!
The bucket of bricks, now un-impeded, started its descent downward. This will explain the severe lacerations along the bridge of my nose and upper lip.
Does this help you gentlemen?
John H. Smith
The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick were riding through a small town, and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink. The Lone Ranger noticed that his horse was a bit overheated, so he asked his trusty sidekick a favor. "Tonto, I'm afraid Silver is a bit hot...might you cool him for me?" Tonto says, "Of course, Kemosabe, but how?" "Just run around him in circles to fan him off." So the 'Ranger leaves his trusty sidekick and goes in for a drink. A few minutes later, a cowboy approaches him and asks, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know who owns that beautiful silver horse out front?" "I do." replies the 'Ranger. "Well, sir, you've left your injun running."
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defence attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
There was an Indian chief named Running Water. He had two sons named Hot and Cold. He also had a nephew named Luke! ........
The Indians recently opened a bar in New York. You pay twenty-four dollars for a Manhattan! ........
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite. The maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!" ........
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting by the side of the tracks, there were Indians selling their wares. The tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that the price was a hundred dollars. The tourist offered fifty. The Indian said, "Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan you no get anymore!" ........
An Indian came to New York for the first time and checked into a hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right to his room. On the bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up and walked down to the lobby. Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told the clerk, "Last man in room leave overcoat!"
Subject: Caught in the Act (off to stupid people)
Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense
Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
(a) Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
(b) Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
(c) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
And it gets better:
(d) David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
(e) The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
(f) Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
(g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen."
(h) Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
A guy is before the judge charged with killing a California condor.
The judge won't have any arguments. He is furious. "Guilty or Not" asks the judge.
"Guilty, but..." says the man.
"3 years in jail and a $5000 fine." says the judge
"But your honor, please listen, I have an explanation."
"Ok" says the judge "But it better be good."
"My family and I were hiking in the woods and we got lost. We were out for days. My wife was near death when we found the condor injured, so we killed and ate him. The next day, we were rescued. We wouldn't have survived otherwise."
"Oh, I'm sorry" says the judge, "I didn't realize the situation. Ok, I'll suspend the sentence, and fine you $100."
The case is over and the judge and defendant later happen to find themselves in the same elevator, alone on the way out of the court building, were the poor man takes the opportunity once again to thank the judge.
The judge says, "No problem. By the way, I'm a bit of a hunter myself, and I've always wondered, What does a Condor taste like? Off the record, of course..."
The man looks at him and says,
"Well, it's kind of a cross between a baby seal and a Bald Eagle..."
When people emigrate from their native coutry, they may leave behind loved ones and heirlooms, but they can (and often do) bring their prejudices with them.
Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbour Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Joneses." If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would also promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbequeues, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps - almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbour and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better stag or a fatter duck that the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expiditions together.
One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham. "The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in joinin' me for the first shoot of the year?"
"Fer certain I'll be there!" replied the Scot. "Let's start oot in the wee hours o' the mornin', for I would like to at the lake when the sun comes up."
At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintosh's doorstep. Together they went out to their favourite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog - a rather nondescript cocker spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water.
"I'll get this one," said Fotheringham, as he sighted through his laser guided scope. He pulled the trigger, and a duck tumbled out of the flock and splased on to the surface of the lake.
Fotheringham looked down at his dog. "All right, boy, go get it!" And immediately the dog jumped up and ran to the lake. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It deposited the duck at his master's feet, and had not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.
Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, "There! What do ya think of that?"
Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, "If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!"
A hunter hired a guide to lead him through the wilderness. The hunter soon discovered they were walking around in circles. "We're lost," the hunter complained to the guide. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the state of Maine." "I am," said the guide. "But I think we're in Canada now."
A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer. Just about that time, the game warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting license. The hunter said he didn't have a license, so the game warden had to take the hunter and the deer to town. The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300 pound deer out to the road -- at which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered -- I do have a deer license after all."
Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles.
The best sense of humor belongs to the person who can laugh at himself.
Humor is the hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt.
Humor is the lifebelt we use on life's river.
A genuine sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to our steps as we walk the tightrope of life. ........
Give me a sense of humor, Lord; Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some happiness from life And pass it on to other folk.
...Good humor is the health of the soul..sadness the poison.
10-1-98 thru 12-31-98
7-1-98 thru 9-30-98
4-1-98 thru 6-30-98
1-1-98 thru 3-31-98
9-20-97 thru 12-31-97