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3-31-98

-You can never get away from a chatterbox, except in the middle of a sentence.

-Where have you been the last three hours?" demanded the clergyman's wife. "I met Mrs. Smith on the street and asked how her married daughter is getting along," sighed the weary man...."So she told me."

-A chatterbox is a woman who won't stop talking until you start walking.

-The husband called to his wife, who was in another room: "Your mother's on the phone, dear. Says she won't keep you a minute. I'll pull up a chair for you."

-A man took his small boy to a barbershop and, while waiting for a chair the boy pestered his father with one question after another. One of the barbers turned to the father smiling and said, "That kid of yours certainly talks a lot." "Yes," replied the worn-out father, "and he looks a lot like her, too."


3-30-98

Keep in mind this joke is about two years old... Things have changed, but it still has its humor. Enjoy!

The paper today had an article that said where its not uncommon for some people to be paying $700 a month for chatting on AOL. That is just unbelievable when you can chat for $20 a month on the Internet. Or you can walk outside and chat with someone for $0. :)


3-29-98

Nuclear Picnic

by Dave Barry

The Boston Globe Magazine June 25, 1995

Today's culinary topic is: how to light a charcoal fire. Everybody loves a backyard barbecue. For some reason, food just seems to taste better when it has been cooked outdoors, where flies can lay eggs on it. But there's nothing worse than trying to set fire to a pile of balky charcoal.

The average back-yard chef, wishing to cook hamburgers, tries to ignite the charcoal via the squirt, light, and wait method, wherein you squirt lighter fluid on a pile of briquettes, light the pile, then wait until they have turned a uniform gray color. When I say "they have turned a uniform gray color," I am referring to the hamburgers. The briquettes will remain as cold and lifeless as Leonard Nimoy. The backyard chef will keep this up - squirting, lighting, waiting; squirting, lighting, waiting - until the bacterial level in the side dishes has reached the point where the potato salad rises up from its bowl, Bloblike, and attempts to mate with the corn. This is the signal that it's time to order Chinese food.

The problem is that modern charcoal, manufactured under strict consum- er-safety guidelines, is one of the least-flammable substances on Earth. On more than one occasion, quick-thinking individuals have ex- tinguished a raging house fire by throwing charcoal on it. Your back- yard chef would be just as successful trying to ignite a pile of rocks.

Is there a solution? Yes. There happens to be a technique that is guaranteed to get your charcoal burning very, very quickly, although you should not attempt this technique unless you meet the following criterion: You are a complete idiot.

I found out about this technique from alert reader George Rasko, who sent me a letter describing something he came across on the World Wide Web, a computer network that you should definitely learn more about, because as you read these words, your 11-year-old is downloading pornography from it.

By hooking into the World Wide Web, you can look at a variety of electronic "pages," consisting of documents, pictures, and videos created by people all over the world. One of these is a guy named (really) George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.

"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equiva- lent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vapor- ized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.


3-28-98

When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich."

Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."

Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you."

"Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11."


3-27-98

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A YANKEE, IF.....

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You can't do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

You think meat and vegetables are made in the grocery store.


3-26-98

An Indiana farmer took his family to the nation's capital to see how their government worked. After visiting the House of Representatives, they went to the Senate gallery, where the chaplain of the Senate was speaking.

"Daddy," asked the farmer's ten-year-old daughter, "does the chaplain pray for the Senate?"

"No," said the farmer. "He comes in, looks at the Senators, and then prays for the country."


3-25-98

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"


3-24-98

From another Net:

times still changin by dusty anderson

come gather round people wherever you roam and accept that the networks around you have grown and admit that software piracy you don't condone if your data to you is worth saving then you better make backups on your macs or pc clones for the times they are a changin

come students and staffers who double-click with your mice and keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice and don't blame network downtime on poltergeists the new copy of WORD just delivered takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes cos' the times they are a changin

come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail it's been there for months now and it's gettin stale our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed the battle on campus is ragin whether we will use windows or macs will prevail yup the times they are a changin

come users and sysadmins all over the LAN your bandwidth requirements we don't understand your digital desktops and cryptic commands your multimedia stations were not in the budget of our five year plan but the times they are a changin

with Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI we've got the best network that money can buy with Internet access and registration on-line but yesterday when he was cleaning the janitor unplugged the power and all systems died oh the times they are a changin

===========================================================================

Since I was born some years ago This world has changed somehow. We use both milk and butter That has never seen a cow.

We have instant coffee, instant tea. Instant this and instant that; Lots of other instant foods Not fit to feed a cat.

We have substitute sugar, substitute salt; We have so many substitutes We don't know who to fault.

Boys and girls both dress alike; Can't tell one from the other. Same way with Mom and Dad, Can't tell Dad from Mother.

One more thing that doesn't look right; I think that it's a sin. They've moved the cook stove out of doors And moved the outhouse in!

I don't know how far this will go, But up until this minute, I love this good old world of ours 'Cause I can still live in it.

...Author Unknown


3-23-98

Ned had a dream about his friend Luke. Ned dreamed that Luke died and went to heaven. But in the dream the way to heaven was to climb a ladder. And as anyone climbed the ladder, he was supposed to take a piece of chalk and make a mark on each rung for each sin he had committed. As Ned looked into his dream, he saw Luke coming down the ladder. Ned asked him what he was doing? Luke said that he was coming down for more chalk.


3-22-98

Morale was very low at the Gypem Novelty Company, so Mr. Gypem decided to employ a recreation director for the specific purpose of boosting spirit. One day the director assembled all the workers and told them a wonderful new plan. "When you are working here five years," he said, "you get a beautiful green certificate which says you've given valuable service for five years. When you are working here ten years you get a gorgeous blue certificate which says we appreciate very much the valuable services rendered to the firm during the past ten years. And when you are working here fifteen years you get a badge." "What does the badge say?" asked one of the men. "Why -er, the badge says, 'This man has a green and a blue certificate -'"


3-21-98

There are 3 Cavemen with their fists raised and action underneath as though they are pounding their fists up an down 3 times. Under the cartoon reads,"before paper and scissors." The caption above the 3 cavemen says, "Dang, a tie again."


3-20-98

In a bus during peak hours:
-"Excuse me, sir, do you work for FBI ?"
-"No, I don't."
-"Do you work for CIA ?"
-"No."
-"Do you know karate ?"
-"No, I don't."
-"You're standing on my foot !"


3-19-98

A judge asked a locksmith who'd been apprehended in the back of a grocery store, "What were you doing in that place when the cops arrived?" The locksmith said, "I was making a bolt for the door!"


3-18-98

A man had a dog and took it to the vet.The vet said it was dead.he said,"Doc he can't be dead,are you sure?" the vet said well there's one test that's dependable.The man said well do it.The Vet took a cat and put it near the dogs nose.Then he rubbed the cat against the dog and said,no he's dead for sure. The man said OK put him away for me.When he went to the receptionist she said the bill was $235.00.The man said good grief $235 just to tell me the dog was dead.She said no that was $35 the $200.00 was for the cat scan.


3-17-98

I've verified the result of this experimentally, and find that all laws of thermodynamics and Murphy are preserved.

1. If bread is loosely attached, cat hits floor on his feet, then removes bread which hits floor, butter side down. Elapsed time is identical to that of merely dropping buttered bread - which can be calculated by considering acceleration due to gravity and air resistance of bread.

2. If bread is more tightly attached, cat hits floor on his feed, removes bread, then FLINGS it to the floor butter side down. Cat adds sufficient acceleration to bread to make up for time lost due to un-attaching bread, so butter hits floor with the correct elapsed time.

3. If bread is ABSOLUTELY attached to cat, cat hits floor on his feet, then, to make sure that NO TIME PARADOXES occur, cat rolls over on his back, causing butter to hit floor with the correct elapsed time.

4. Buttering a cats back doesn't work - cat hits floor on his feet, then proceeds to wipe butter off on all furniture in the immediate vicinity, starting with the most expensive. (This causes much more damage than just dropping bread, and doesn't involve either a time paradox or a violation of the applicable laws of the universe.) Plus, cat is severly pissed off, and tends to piss on any furniture that he considers didn't receive sufficient butter damage.


3-16-98

There was a man that moved in next door to a priest of a catholic church. He had done very well in converting all the whole neighborhood to catholicism. So his next venture was to talk to the "newbie". When he found out he was a staunch southern baptist he decided that he'd leave him alone unless that he gave any problems.

So nothing new happened until the next Friday when the man next door decided a good kick off to a good weekend would be to have a good barbeque. So he slapped a couple of steaks on the grill and proceeded. All the neighborhood stood looking over his fence smelling the delicious smell of the steaks and knowing it was forbidden to eat meat on Friday. Their mouths were watering and complaining to the priest to do something.

This went on for a month and the people could stand it no longer. They went over to his house to demand he convert to their religion. Surprisingly he accepted. They took him to mass the next time and the priest took his water dish and said the rights over him and "Sprinkle, sprinkle, dab, dab, you once were a baptist....now you are a catholic." The neighborhood was at peace...until that Friday when they once again smelled the aroma of steaks on the grill. They all went to check it out and found the man at the grill with a water dish "Sprinkle, sprinkle, dab, dab, you were once a steak and now you are a fish."


3-15-98

The judge faced the defendant and said, "This is not an ordinary case and it must be argued very carefully, so I'm going to let you have four lawyers." The defendant answered, "Instead of four lawyers, sir, could you hunt up just one good witness?"


3-14-98

Here is an old one. Hope you enjoy it.

Jimmy Carter is my shepard, I shall not want. He leadith me beside still factories and abandoned farms. He restoreth my doubt about the democratic party. He anoineth my wages with taxes and inflation so my expenses runneth over my income. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the democratic party, and I shall work on a rented farm and live in a rented house forever.

Five thousand years ago Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Five thousand years later, F.D.R. said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up your camel cause this isn't the Promised Land." This year, Jimmy Carter will take your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass and tell you that he gave away the Promised Land.

I'm glad that I'm an American, I'm glad that I'm FREE, however I wish I was a dog and Jimmy Carter a peanut tree.

* Author Unknown *


3-13-98

-When it comes to cars, it's tough to drive a bargain.

-Car sickness is what you get from looking at the sticker price.

-The best advice any motorist can follow is to drive right so more pedestrians will be left.

-The only thing certain to last the life of a car are the payments.

-An auto mechanic is someone you can always count on to fix your wagon.

-Most cars have one part that desperately needs to be recalled: the nut behind the wheel.

-This is true about all motorists: Those with patience today are not patients tomorrow.

===========================================================================

* A car is a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

* Ever since 1965 I've dreamt of having a BMW and last week my dream finally came true. I bought a 1965 BMW!

* He promised to buy me a foreign convertible - and all I got was a rickshaw.

* I call my car Flattery. It gets me nowhere.

* I know they must have turned back the clock on the car - it was in Roman numerals.

* I took my old car in for an oil change. The mechanic took one look and suggested I keep the oil and change the car.

* I've got to do something with my car. Everything makes a noise except the horn.

* I've got terrible car trouble. The engine won't start and the payments won't stop.

* My car is for four people - one driving and three pushing.

* So all right, these small cars can stop on a dime. But when they try to drive 'over' the dime, that's when the trouble starts.

* There are only two types of motorway in this country - those that are under construction and those that are under repair.

* When I got home last night, I found my car in the kitchen. I asked my wife how it got there and she said, "It was easy - I just turned left at the dining room."


3-12-98

This carpet installer installs this Very large room,at the end of the day he wanted to look over his job and have a cigarette.As he reached for his cigarettes,he noticed they werent in his pocket,then he noticed a bump in the corner of the room.He thought to himself,"Darn I installed the carpet over my cigs".So he went over to the corner and squished the hump down with his foot. He packed his tools and broght them out to the van,the owner of the house came running outside and said,are these your cigarettes? He then thought to himself what was under the carpet,then the women says "By the way,have you seen my canary?"


3-11-98

Posted by Gary Killops on the Internet....Jan 2, 1996

Heard In A Carpenter Shop

"It is PLANE that I love you." he began.
"Is that on the LEVEL?" she asked.
"Haven't I always been on the SQUARE with you?" he urged.
"But you have so many VISES," she remonstrated.
"Not a BIT of it," he asserted.
"What makes you BRACE up?" she queried coquettishly.
"The fact that I SAW up." he replied with a bow.
"I ought to HAMMER you for that." she answered saucily.
"Come and sit by me on the BENCH," he urged.
"Suppose the others should FILE in." she demurred.
"Let me CLAMP you by the heart," he pleaded.
"You shouldn't let your arms COMPASS me," she replied.
"I know a preacher who is a good JOINER," he suggested.
"Promise not to CHISEL him out of his fee," she requested.
"That wouldn't AUGUR well for us," he answered.
"Shall I wear my BLUE PRINT?" she asked, as they started for the license.


3-10-98

The following is a listing of how I believe the car manufacturers got their names:

CHEVY Can Hear Every Valve Yell

FIAT Fix It Again Tony or Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

DODGE Dead On Day Guarantee Expires or Dang Old Dirty Gas Eater

FORD For Outstanding Reliability and Durability

PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

MOPAR Made Of Putty And Rust or (for our MOPAR hot rodders) Move Over, Plymouth Arriving Rapidly

PONTIAC Poor Old Negro Thinks Its A Cadillac

Why did the Delorean Car Company recall all of its cars? Because they kept following the white lines in the middle of the road.


3-9-98

Fifteen-year-old Fred: Dad, the Bible says that if you don't let me have the car, you hate me.

Dad: Where does it say that?

Son: Proverbs 13:24: "He that spareth his 'rod' hateth his son."


3-8-98

A very unpopular but powerful businessman died. Two of his "friends" saw the obituary notice and decided to go to his funeral. When they arrived, they found the church very crowded. "My Gosh!" said one. "Look at all these people. How do you explain it?" "Well," said the other, "give people what they want and they all show up."


3-7-98

"Could I see the captain of this ship, please?"

"Miss, he's forward."

"That's OK. I'm not afraid. I've never met a man I couldn't handle."


3-6-98

Avid duck hunter buys a black Lab that can walk on water. Sitting in the duck blind with good friend, Cletus. Flock of ducks fly by and they fire several times. Several ducks drop. Dog "pitty-pats" across top of water and retreives them. Cletus is noncomittal. Happens several times and dog owner is antsy at no response from Cletus.

When he can stand it no longer he says, "Dang! Clete! You blind? Don't you notice something about my new dog?" Clete shifts his Red Man to the other cheek, spits and says, "Yep.

Notice he cain't swim!"


3-5-98

A camper found himself bothered by mosquitoes during the first day at camp. At night he saw some fireflies and said, "Now they're coming after me with flashlights!" ..........

A counselor was helping his charges put their stuff away on their first morning in camp. He was surprised to see that one youngster had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?" ..........

My son came home from camp yesterday with a six-week stack of dirty clothes. That's surprising, because it was only a two-week camp. ..........

The counselor called and told us that our son was sleeping with a stray dog. "What about the smell?" we asked. The counselor answered, "The dog seems to be getting used to it." ..........

My wife and I had a great summer, relaxed and restful. In fact, this morning I said, "Camp is over. Billy's coming home. She said, "Who?"

===========================================================================

HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDAH

Hello muddah, hello faddah Here I am at Camp Cranada Camp is very entertaining And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivey He developed poison ivy You remember Leonard Skinner He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters And the lake has alligators And the head coach wants no sissies So he reads to us from something called "Ulysses".

Now I don't want this should scare ya But my bunkmate mas malaria You remember Jeffrey Hardy They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home oh muddah, faddah Take me home, I hate Granada Don't leave me out in the forest Where I might get eaten by a bear.

Take me home I promise I will not make noise Or mess the house with other boys Oh please don't make me stay I've been here one whole day.

Dearest faddah, darling mudder How's my precious little brudder? Let me come home if you miss me I will even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute! It's stopped hailing Boys are swimming, boys are sailing Playing baseball, gee that's bedder Mudder, faddah kindly disregard this letter!


3-4-98

A couple were worried about an earthquake, so they sent their kids to live with an aunt in the East. Two weeks later, they got a wire from the East: "Returning kids. Send earthquake." ............

Once in a while you hear about a dry spell in California. Louise knows it's true because she got a letter from her cousin...the stamp was attached with a pin! ............

California is loaded with condos. One kid was asked by his teacher, "What happened in 1492?" The kid answered, "How would I know? I live on the twelfth floor!" ............

Visiting one of the local farmers' markets all over California, a Floridian picked up a watermelon and asked, "Is this as big as your kiwi fruit grows?" The produce man answered, "Don't squeeze too hard, you'll bruise that raisin!"


3-3-98

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


3-2-98

A priest and a cab driver are standing at the Peraly Gates when St. Peter looks at the cabbie, opens the gates wide and gives him a warm wlecome.

The priest walks up to St. Peter and the gates slam shut. The priest is told that he will be going striaght to Hell.

The priest was horified. "I lead a good life in the service of the Lord! That cabbie was a drunk, womanizer and a thief. How come he gets into Heaven and I'm sent to Hell?"

St. Peter replied: "Every time you gave one of your Sunday sermons, people went to sleep. Everyone who got into his cab would sincerely pray for salvation."


3-1-98

A Cabbie takes on a fare in wintry Washington. Driving at a snail's pace to put as much as possible on the meter, the cabbie seems to be in absolutely no hurry. Finally the passenger says, "If you're trying to do me a favor by waiting for the cherry blossoms to bloom, I've seen them!" ..........

They knew he was going to be a cabbie. In math class at school he could never find the shortest distance between two points. ..........

A cabbie went on vacation to England. While in London, he was taken to many of the historic places. Finally he was shown the statue of Lord Nelson in which a leg has been shot off. He was told, "This is where Nelson was hit." The cabbie said, "Were there any witnesses?" ..........

Rain is weird...it makes flowers emerge and taxis disappear.


2-28-98

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"


2-27-98

Resume of the 90's - This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising


2-26-98

A business executive decided to ask a few friends the question, "How's business? Their answers:

Astronomer: Looking up. Author: Mine seems to be all write. Butcher: We're making ends meat. Tobacconist: Going up in smoke. Exterminator: We're gradually getting the bugs out.

===========================================================================

-The trouble with starting a trash collection service is that you're always at people's disposal.

-The problem with starting a monogram company is that it's difficult to have an initial success.

-Likewise, founding a publishing company is tough: Not all books are bound to do well.

-In business, you can be on the right track, but if you don't move fast enough you'll still be run over.

-Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business.

-The biggest guns in most corporations are those who have never been fired.

-A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

-A lumber yard is the only place where they're happy when business is come see, come saw.


2-25-98

A burglar entered a house in the middle of the night. He was interrupted when the owner awoke. Drawing his gun, the burglar said, "Don't move or I'll shoot. I'm hunting for your money."

"Let me turn on the light," replied the victim, "and I'll hunt with you."

===========================================================================

The burglar struck a gun in the man's back but the man turned suddenly, applied a judo grip and flung him across the alley. Then he pounced on the burglar and began pummeling him. He blackened his eyes, broke his jaw, fractured his ribs and broke his arm. "Gee whiz," the crook finally cried in desperation. "Hey, mister, ain't you never gonna call a cop?"


2-24-98

Bureaucracy at its finest...

Ladies and Gentleman, I come before you to stand behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, which is Good Friday, there will be a teachers meeting, for parents ONLY.

Admission is free, please pay at the door, Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

I Thank You!


2-23-98

This is a true story that happened in MT. Morris N.Y. some years ago. An Italian immigrant had for several years ran a profitable dairy farm. Wanting to cut back on his farm, he held a herd dispersal sale. He culled some cows and a couple of bulls and held them back from the sale. One of his fellow dairymen spotted a bull that looked a bit larger then the rest was in the save pen. He approached the old gentleman and basked,"How much would you take for the bull?" The old man replied, "He no for sale. He no looka to good." "Nonsense", the man insisted, "I'll pay twice what he's worth." The old Italian named a price and the man readily agreed. He took the bull, along with some nice cows, and loaded him onto his truck.

The next day he returned and angrily confronted the old gent," Hey, what's the big idea selling me this bull?" " The bull's blind'"

The old man replied, " I tolda you he no looka good."


2-22-98

-There were two flies. Both felt great because they were down in the dumps.

-To us, a bee is a pain. To a flower it's Don Juan!

-A Jersey mosquito once bit a bus, and the vehicle couldn't get through the tunnel to New York.

-In Jersey the mosquitoes show up on radar.

-A moth wanted to get away, so he spent the winter in a tropical worsted suit!

-A mosquito is like a kid. When he stops making noise, he's on to something.

-Insects must have brains. How else would they know that you're going on a picnic?

-Two flies flew out to the city garbage dump. Hovering over it were about a quarter of a billion other flies. The first fly asked, "Who else knows about this?"

........

A city slicker, riding with a farmer on a horse-drawn wagon, is bothered by a mosquito. He asks what it is. The farmer says, "That's a horsefly. He hangs around the rear end of a horse."

The city slicker said, "Do I look like the rear end of a horse?"

The farmer said, "You could fool me, but you can't fool a horsefly!"


2-21-98

A man had just finished all of the necessary preparations for learning how to skydive and parachute. Came the great day when he was too take his first jump and the instructor said to him. "Well you've done quite well learning all that you need to know to parachute safely down to earth, but if per chance that your 1st chute AND your back-up chute doesn't open, there is still one more thing you can do... just say BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA three times and wait." Well the guy looked at the instructor kinda wierd and got into the plane. Sure enough though when he jumped out neither his 1st chute OR his back-up chute opened and he said "OH SHIT!, now what was it the instructor told me to say? OH YES... BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA, and out from the sky came a giant hand that gently caught him and safely let him to the ground. The man looked up and said "I'M SAFE I"M SAFE!...THANK GOD!!!" At that the giant hand turned over and SMASHED HIM!


2-20-98

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


2-19-98

Dear sir, I write this note to you, to tell you of my plight. For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight, Me body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray, And I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear, But throwing them down from such a height, was not a good idear. The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sort, And he made me cart them down the bloody ladders bend me heart.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow, So I hoisted up a barrel, and secured the rope below, But in me haste, to do the job, I was to blind to see, That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

As soon as I'd untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead, And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead. I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found, That halfway up I met that bloody barrel coming down.

It severed me left shoulder, as toward the ground it sped, And as I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head. But I clung on tightly not with shock, from this almighty blow, As the barrel spilled out half its bricks, some fourteen floors below.

I now outweighed the barrel and fell towards the floor, And the barrel having spilled its bricks, started up once more, As I sped toward the ground, me body wracked with pain, And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, halfway down the office block, Caused multiple abrasions, and a nasty case of shock, But I clung on tightly to the rope, as I fell towards the ground, And there I landed on the broken bricks the barrel'd scattered round.

As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst, But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained down on me, I did not have a hope, and as I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, started down once more, And landed right across me, as I lay there on the floor, It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I write this note to say, I hope you'll understand why I'm not at work today.

-Author Unknown


2-18-98

From another Net (article appeared in NEWSWEEK magazine):

A Technical Knockout

Big Brother isn't watching, but Continental Cablevision is. During last November's pay-per-view Holyfield-Bowe heavyweight (boxing) title bout, the Springfield, Mass. cable TV operator aired a free T shirt ad using a new technology: The ad appeared only on sets using illegal signal decoders. More than 140 saps phoned in for the shirts. Continental has sent them letters offering to settle the matter for $2,000, and has already received several checks. Since federal law allows fines of $10,000.," says Continental VP Geoffrey Little, "we consider the settlement fee generous." "Anyone who disagrees, he says, "will find himself involved in another fight....in court."


2-17-98

The following excerpts are from a book entitled "The Boston Driver's Handbook," a seriocomic publication that is sometimes hilarious, sometimes serious, and most of the time quite accurate:

"...the craft and artistry of a Boston Driver is a sight to behold, preferably at a safe distance. In Boston itself, one need only look to the nearest street corner to witness the crumbling of the stop sign barrier or perhaps hear the delicate crunch of a fender-bender. No one really seems to mind, least of all the Boston Police."

"At this time, no other city can come close to matching the caliber of Boston's own Boston Drivers. In this book we will discuss the offensive driving skills you will need to know to ensure your survival as a motorist here."

Impatience: "The only things that count are arrival and survival." [The first commandment is] "Thou shalt reach thy destination as quickly as possible. Everyone and everything else be damned."

The Ideal Car: "It's always a good idea to have a few dents placed around the car's body. The advantages are many....dents manke your car a less attractive target for Boston's prolific car thieves....and when other drivers see your dents....they figure you are a lousy driver, probably a little bit drunk and crazy as well....so why should they risk life, limb, and property messing with you? Dents do wonders to clear the roadway around you."

The New Car: "The new car condition is self-curing, however. Sooner or later your new car will receive its proper Boston baptism. After it has been stolen a few times and has caught a few nicks and scrapes banging up cars and pedestrians, it will no longer be new."

Driving Laws: "The only way you really have a chance for a moving violation is to hit something that can vote....Any other maneuver, no matter how blatantly illegal, hasn't got a prayer. Speeding, going the wrong way down a one-way street, illegal turns, obstructing traffic are a waste of time because you just won't stand out from the crowd of your fellow drivers."

Street Layout: "The hodgepodge of one- and two-way streets pointing in different directions, curving wildly, merging from three lanes to one and back again, and sprinkled with 'No Left Turn' signs is enough to unsettle any anarchist."

Street Signs: "If you are in an unfamiliar part of town, don't even try to navigate by street signs. Most intersections don't have them; those that do, have their signs set at an odd angle. Major streets are almost never marked; cross streets might be. It is assumed that the motorist always knows what street he is driving on. Consequently, getting lost is a common occurence."

Massachusetts was one of the last states to permit 'Right turn on Red'....As soon as the measure became law, 'No turn on Red" signs began appearing on every street corner....To make up for this, city planners are now gathering support for a new law permitting 'straight ahead on red, and there is a chance that it will pass this year."

Thanks to MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>


2-16-98

Mr. Roberts was known as a hard-nosed boss who watched over his company like a hawk. On one of his regular rounds of the factory, he noticed a young man, leaning against a stack of boxes to the left of the foreman Harry's office. Since the boss did not know where Harry was at that moment, he hid by the post and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. Roberts noticed the young fellow yawning, scratching his head, and looking at his watch. He sat down on the floor. He took out his nail file, and proceeded to clean his nails. After a short time, he got up from the floor and leaned back on the stack of boxes. Well, Roberts had seen enough and approached the fellow. In a harsh voice Roberts asked, "How much do you make a week?" The young fellow looked surprised, but stated, "A hundred and forty-five dollars a week." Roberts rushed to the cashier's office, took $145. from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out!! Don't let me see you around here again!" The young fellow took the cash and left the building without saying a word. Roberts was annoyed at the fellow's lack of attitude, and by the time Roberts found Harry, he was even more furious. Roberts told Harry that he saw the young fellow loafing, he gave him a week's pay, and fired him. But what really irked Roberts was that Harry allowed the fellow to stand around as though he had nothing to do. Harry said, "You mean the kid in the blue shirt!" "Yes!! The kid in the blue shirt!" "He was waiting for the ten dollars we owe him for lunch" Harry said. "He works for the coffee shop in the next block."


2-15-98

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi? "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentheth-Century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is "Microsoft"?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called "Windows", throught the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when "Windows" detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration, The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough, Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work, This is even better than that "unsolvable geometric shape" idea."

.... 15 Minutes Later. ...

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the "Windows" in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85 % of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected "upgrade"."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an "upgrade" to compensate for their increases."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the "upgrade". Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanner show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal "Windows" module named "Solitaire", and it has used up all avallable CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass....

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compansate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resouces I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "Windows" modules from something called the "Microsoft Fun-pack".

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify".

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened it forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?"

<Data> " I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carring something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as "red tape", It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"


2-14-98

B O O T I T (sing to melody of BEAT IT)

You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead, Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed, The system just crashed, but don't lose your head, Just boot it---just boot it.

Better think fast, better do what you can, Read the manual or call your system man, Don't want to fall behind in the race with japan, So boot it,

Get the system manager to...

Boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it, Even though you'd rather shoot it. Don't be upset, it's only some glitch. All that you do is flip a little switch. Boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it, Get right down and restitute it. Don't get excited, all is not lost.

Cp/m, unix, or ms/dos just boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two, The system says your job is at the queue, Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, You boot it.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow, And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know) So boot it,

Call the local guru to...

Boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it, Go ahead re-institute it.

If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf, But if you are, it'll do itself. Boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it, Then go find the guy who screwed it! Operating systems are built to bounce back, Whether it's a cray or a radio shack.

Boot it, boot it...,

(Repeat until next crash...)


2-13-98

Books for the prison library:

THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later

Books for hobbyists:

BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove

Books for fishermen:

WATERWAYS OF THE WORLD by Sue S. Canal A FISH STORY by Czar Dean CAUGHT IN THE FLOOD by Noah Zark LITTLE FISHES by Anne Chovey

Books for the doctor's waiting room:

HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerfs KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Lord Howard Hertz


2-12-98

By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.

To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".

Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.

By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.


2-11-98

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" ---------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ----------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!" HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!" --------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


2-10-98

The French Ambassador to New Zealand, speaking to the (NZ) National Press Club, is reported (by NPR) to have said, (about French nuclear tests in the South Pacific)

"I don't like this word bomb. It is not a bomb, it is a device, which explodes."


2-9-98

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Bulkhead - Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or towards a hazard.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.

Seabag - 1. Canvas sack in which a sailor's gear is carried. 2. Aging mermaid.

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forec


2-8-98

The construction company had advertised for a foreman with construction company experience. Among the applicants was this tall, husky football jock. During his interview, he was asked if he could read a blueprint. "Of course," he replied. "I can read any color print. Especially if it's in English."


2-7-98

A six-year-old boy was fascinated by the exotic birds at the zoo. Suddenly he pointed to a peacock strutting in his cage and exclaimed, "Look, Dad, one of the chickens is in bloom!"


2-6-98

Because of a computer error, Bill Lewis' paycheck envelope contained a blank check. "Look", he said, showing the check to his wife, "this is what I've been afraid of! My deductions have finally caught up with my salary."


2-5-98

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor.

"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."


2-4-98

Two men were riding on a train for the first time. They brought bananas for lunch. Just as one of them bit into his banana, the train entered a tunnel. First man: Did you take a bite of your banana? Second man: No. First man: Well, don't! I did and went blind!


2-3-98

If architects had to work like programmers

================================================================

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.


2-2-98

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK. But, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."


2-1-98

A CIA's spy is sent in the cold war times to the URSS. The guy has been trained by the best experts in Russian life. The spy cross The Wall under the name of Vladimir Uzjakov.

The spy orders are to infiltrate in the Russian daily life to be free of suspects... he goes to a Moskovian bar...

Spy: Hi, comrades!!! Man: Sorry, but we aren't comrades... Spy: How??? I'm Russian!!! Man: No. You speak like Russian, you wear like Russian but... you're not of our. Spy: But, but... I'm Russian!!! Look me singing the classical songs of our glourious nation. [He sings the Russian Himn] Man: OK, you sing like us but... YOU AREN'T OF OUR!!! Spy: [Nearly to cry] But... look me dancing!!! [He dances like a Russian] Man: Well, you dance like us... but YOU AREN'T RUSSIAN!!! Spy: All right!!! I'm NOT Russian but... How did you know!!!!!????? Man: It's easy... you're very well trained by yours, but they forgotten a thing about us... Spy: What???? Man: Russian men, aren't BLACK!!!


1-30-98

One day in the last century, two indians and a cowboy were sitting peacefully together at a camp-fire. Suddenly, a noise in the bush behind them. The first indian raised his eyebrow, stood up and disappeared in the bush. You hear a smacking sound, then nothing. The indian returned with a black eye. He just sits down, saying nothing. Silence. Five minutes later, the noise can be heared again in the bush. The second indian raises his eyebrow, stands up, disappeares in the bush. Again, you hear "smack", then nothing. The indian returns to the fire having a huge black eye, saying nothing and sitting down again. Silence. Another five minutes later, the noise returns. Now it's the cowboy's turn. He stands up and disappears in the bush. You can hear a (you guessed it) "smack". The cowboy returns with...a huge black eye (of course). Sitting at the fire, he raises his head, looking at his two pals saying "OK, you guys, I figured out that it was only the wind making this strange noise in the bush. But what I can't understand is why nobody put away this rake".


1-29-98

The proud parent called the newspaper and reported the birth of twins. The receptionist at the news desk didn't quite understand the message over the phone. "Will you repeat that?" she asked.

"Not if I can help it," was the reply.


1-28-98

A middle-aged well-dressed woman entered a pet store and headed for the bird department. The owner allowed her a short time to browse and then approached her, asking, "Can I help you?"

"Yes," she said. "How much is that green-yellow bird in the cage hanging from the hook?"

"Six hundred dollars." replied the owner.

"Fine," she said. "I have my car outside. I'd like you to send me the bill."

"No way, lady," the owner said. "You take the whole bird or nothing at all."


1-27-98

During conversation at dinner one evening a Mary told her husband, "A wonderful thing happened this afternoon. A man knocked on our door and, when I asked who he was, he replied, `A bill collector.' So I gave him the stack that was on your desk."


1-26-98

The annual civic party was a huge success, bringing together all sorts of people. One particular fellow, who thought he was the world's greatest gift to women, was pestering a cute young lady. After much chitchat and clever talk, he said, "Why don't you and I play Post Office?"

"Well, if you want to play," she said, "I have a better idea. I would rather play Building and Loan."

"Building and Loan????" he asked. "How do you play that?"

"Very easy," she said. "You get out of the building and leave me alone."


1-25-98

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?"


1-24-98

I posted these questions a few days ago, perhaps not in this order:

1) The first game mentioned in the Bible? Baseball, "In the big inning."

1) The name of Jesus' dog? Physician, for He said: "Physician, heel!"

3) The only bear named in a hymn, "Gladly, the cross-eyed bear."


1-23-98

Question: Why was Job always cold in bed?
Answer: Because he had such miserable comforters.

-----------------------------------------------

Sunday School teacher: What do you think the "land flowing with milk and honey" will be like?
Student: Sticky!

------------------------------------------------

Question: What was the Tower of Babel?
Answer: Wasn't that where Solomon kept his wives?

------------------------------------------------

Question: What does the story of Jonah and the great fish teach us?
Answer: You can't keep a good man down.


1-22-98

On a desert isle

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"


1-21-98

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, play- ing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as entic- ing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his deci- sion.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billion- aire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disap- pointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visit- ed two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What hap- pened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scan- tily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.


1-20-98

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers, working their way up through the vaudeville circuit. They remained friends until Benny's death. One day, as they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, Benny was wrestling with a problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide yourself whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're so right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter and forget about it."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny stated. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I"ll tell Mary about the butter."


1-19-98

There's this big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, mr Heineken orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys don't drink beer, then neither will I."


1-18-98

THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice--and gave up beans. They married shortly thereafter.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way he passed a small cafe, and the odor of the freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he had several miles to walk, he figured he would walk off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted," and after arriving home, he felt reasonably safe that he had "putted" his last "putt."

His wife, somewhat agitated and excited to see him, exclaimed delightfully, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded and led him to his chair and the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and lets one go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and lets go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone-farewells indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin on his lap and was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked and of course answered he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise----twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a Happy Birthday Party!


1-17-98

A sure sign that you're getting on:

-when you try to blow out the candles on your birthday cake and the heat drives you back. -when, by the time you've lit the last candle on your cake, the first one has burned out.

And you know you're not a kid anymore when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.


1-16-98

NEW EMPLOYEE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BENEFIT PLAN

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective June 1, a restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and to ensure equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. RTC's can be accumulated from month to month. Absenteeism will be prorated accordingly.

Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice-print recognition. During the next two weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel.

The voice-print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of June. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period.

If an employee's restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more then three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm, the rolls of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open.

Remember: This service is being made possible for your convenience and to serve you better.

Direct all questions and concerns to your manager.


1-15-98

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. "How can you win, Satan?" asked St. Peter. "All the famous ballplayers are up here." "How can I lose?" answered Satan. "All the umpires are down here." ........

One umpire was overhead saying to another umpire, "I don't consider baseball season officially underway until I've thrown out the first manager." ........

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were having a difficult time in finding a ninth player. In desperation, they called on a new club member....an Englishman....to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."


1-14-98

A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman. Next year he returned and asked for Salesman again. "The hound ain't no durn good now," the handler said. "What happened!" cried the sportsman. "Was he injured?" "No. Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager' all week instead of Salesman. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."


1-13-98

Two small children were engaged in selling pink lemonade, side by side. Tom's glasses were the same size as Mike's but his lemonade was marked "2 glasses for 5 cents" while Mike's were marked "5 cents each." Of course Tom was doing a bigger business. Feeling sorry for Mike, a neighbor stopped to buy a glass of lemonade from him. "Your lemonade looks just the same as Tom's and your glasses are the same size," he said. "How is it that your price is higher than Tom's?" "Well, you see," Mike explained, "the cat fell into Tom's bucket just before our sale began so he's have a bargain sale!"


1-12-98

True Story From San Francisco, California: It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who ar- rested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.


1-11-98

Once upon a time there was a great land war between the U.S. and China. A young boy was drafted, trained and sent to the front. When he went to Supply to get his "government issue" the Supply Sergeant told him they were out of guns... and he would have to make do with a broom. The boy said, "What the heck do I do with this?" The Sergeant said, "Just point it and say, 'Bang, BANG!'." The young soldier didn't believe it, but the Sergeant insisted so he went on to the front. He gave it a try - "Bang, BANG!".... and a Chinaman dropped dead. (I'll be damned, the young soldier thought to himself.) The young soldier continued this way even though he didn't understand it. There were many Chinamen, however, and they kept coming wave after wave. The young soldier was getting good at it now! "Bang, BANG!" all over the place... and dead Chinamen were beginning to pile up around him on the ground. SOOooo, he went back to the Supply Sergeant for some help. The Sergeant tied a string to the broom and said, "If they get too close just say, 'Stab, STAB!'." The young soldier was kind of skeptical about this "Stab, STAB!" stuff... but, what the heck, the "Bang, BANG!" had worked okay... and when one Chinaman got too close he yelled, "Stab, STAB!"... rapidly sending the Chinaman to his final resting place. THEN... one BIG Chinaman was spotted on the horizon. He had been sent by the Chinese to find the young soldier and to "dust 'em." And so, this particular Chinaman came trudging over the hill, slowly but surely, advancing toward the young soldier. The young soldier started "Bang, BANGing!" all over the place. The Chinaman just kept on coming... rocking from side to side... keeping on keeping on. The Chinaman got close to the young soldiery. and the young soldier yelled at the top of his lungs, "Stab, STAB!" The Chinaman ran right over him... crushing him into the ground. As the young soldier lay on the ground, broken, battered, bleeding and dying he could hear the Chinaman clankily saying......"Tankity, TANK... Tankity, TANK!"


1-10-98

The best thing about being bald is...when her folks come home, all you have to do is straighten your tie. -----------

Science has found that only one thing can prevent baldness...hair! -----------

A baldheaded man asks a druggist for some hair restorer. The druggist offers him a very expensive concoction, but he wants to know if it really works. The druggist says, "Does it work? I accidentally spilled some on my comb, and now it's a brush!" -----------

One woman nagged her bald husband so much his scalp turned gray. -----------

Forty is the age when a man starts to get think at the top while his wife starts to get fat at the bottom. -----------

A real optimist is a man who goes into a drugstore and buys a bottle of hair restorer and a hairbrush. -----------

There happens to be a religious reason for baldness in men: God in His infinite wisdom has created millions and millions and millions of heads...and those He's ashamed of He covers with hair. :) -----------

What do you call a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

===========================================================================

Bill confessed to his wife that he really was getting bald. "It seems that my hair has gone through three stages," he said, "parted, unparted, and now departed." ........

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald in the back, he's a lover. If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover. <G>

At a certain time of life, a man's hair begins to grow inward. If it strikes gray matter, it turns gray. If it doesn't strike anything, it disappears. <G>

Today's toupees really fool people, but only those people who wear them. <G>

For most people, a toupee is a top secret. <G>


1-8-98

A bald man walked into a wig shop and said "I'd like to buy a wig."

The shop keeper helped him pick one out, and the man said "How much does this wig cost?"

The shop keeper said "$37 including tax".

The bald man replied "Don't bother with the tacks, I'll just glue it on."


1-7-98

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours eyes will bulge."


1-5-98

The following are thought to be the world's worst puns:

...The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts.

...In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the alamode."

...There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor."

...The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home.

...When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm."

...The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw.

...A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it.

...When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down."

...There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheik.

...A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"

...Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in conversation.

...A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line.

...The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life."

..."It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle."

...In Peru a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake, and married her before the Inca was dry.

...An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

...The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony.

...A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan.

..."I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your fez is familiar."


1-4-98

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

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Hints on when you can tell it is going to be:

A R O T T E N D A Y

- You wake up face down on the pavement

- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any

- Your twin brother forgot your birthday

- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city

- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway

- You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a water bed

- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture

- You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

- Your tax refund cheque bounces

- You put both contact lenses in the same eye

- Your pet rock snaps at you

- Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George!

===========================================================================

The harried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, It's 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"


1-3-98

okay here is one of my dumber jokes. I think you guys might like it.

One night a train conductor went out and got drunk only to find out he had to work the next morning. When he went in to work the next morning he was knock down stinking drunk. He climbed up into the train and took off. about half way through his route he crashed the train and killed all 200 passengers but he survided. At the trial he was sentenced to death by the electric chair. The day finally came were he would be put to death. They strapped him in and hooked him all up and got it all ready to go. They hit him with 200 gigawatts but he survived. Know why?? It's seems he was a bad conductor!?


1-2-98

Talk about bad situations...just think about:

A screen door on a submarine.
A stowaway on a kamikaze plane.
A teenager who parks in a dark alley with his girl and his horn gets stuck.
A soup sandwich.
One who ejects from a helicopter.
A Hindu snake charmer with a deaf cobra.