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6-30-98

ALIMONY...The fee a woman charges for name dropping.

CHARITY...That generous impulse to give away something you have no use for.

CHILDHOOD...That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

COMMITTEE...A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

CONCEIT...A form of "I" strain.

DIET...Something to take the starch out of you.

DIPLOMACY...Saying, "nice doggy," while you're looking around for a rock.

EGOTISM...The art of seeing qualities in yourself which others can't see. ...That which enables a man who is in a rut to think he's "in the groove."

EGOTIST...A conceited person who thinks he knows as much as you do. ...A person who thinks if he hadn't been born, people would wonder why.

FLATTERY...The art of telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself.

GIRDLE...An ingenious device invented to keep an unfortunate situation from spreading.

HIGHBROW...A person educated beyond their intelligence.

LAZINESS...The habit of resting before you get tired.

MEMORY...The thing I forget with.

OLD AGE...A time of life when men pay more attention to the food than they do to the waitress.

PARENTS...People who b e a r infants, b o r e teenagers, and b o a r d newlyweds.

PARKING METER...A piggy bank on a hitching post.

PARKING SPACE...An area which disappears as you are making a U-turn.

POISE...The ability to keep talking while the other person picks up the check.

PREJUDICE...Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale.

PROVERB...A short sentence based on long experience.

PRUNE...A plum that has seen better days.

RELATIVES...People who come to dinner who aren't friends.

SKIING...Something you learn in many sittings.

SMALL TOWN...A place where it's no sooner done than said. ...A place where everybody knows whose check is good. ...A place where the postmaster knows more than the schoolmaster, but not as much as the telephone operator.

SOCIAL GRACE...When you start out on the right foot rather than putting it in your mouth.

SOCIAL TACT...Making people feel at home when you wish they were.

WAITRESS...A person who thinks money grows on trays.


6-29-98

A fifth year associate at a Wall Street law firm was toiling at his office one midnight, when who should appear before him but Satan. "I understand you'd give anything to make partner," said the devil, "so I've come here to make you an offer."

The lawyer, knowing full well the craftiness of the devil, said with not a little suspicion, "Go on, I'm listening."

"Well," said Satan, "I'll make you a partner, but in return I want your soul damned to the depths of hell. And along with yours, I want your wife's, your childrens', your grandchildrens', your great-grand- childrens', your great-great-grandchildrens', and so on, for eternity."

After considering the proposal for a moment, the lawyer replied with suspicion, "What's the catch?"

===========================================================================

Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jim Baker were riding in a car together, were involved in a traffic accident, and killed. Their souls made their way to heaven.

At the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and apologetically informed them there wasn't room in heaven at the moment, so they would have to wait "down below" until there was vacancies.

Obediently, they went to hell.

About a week later Saint Peter received a frantic phone call from the devil.

"Listen," said the devil, "you've got to get these three guys outta here! They're ruining the place."

"What's wrong?" asked Saint Peter.

"Well," said the devil, "Billy Graham is converting everybody, Oral Roberts is building a university, and Jim Baker has raised enough money to air condition this durn place!"


6-28-98

A dumb dectective was sent out on a murder mystery. The inspector instructed him to go to the house where the murder was committed and to make a thorough search before the inspector got there. When the inspector arrived he asked the dumb detective if he'd searched the house completely. "Did you look upstairs, downstairs? Did you look in the closets?" he asked. "I looked in every closet," replied the detective. "Did you find any clues?" asked the inspector. "Yes," replied the detective, "but they didn't fit me."


6-27-98

A coward said, "I make last-minute changes in my will before I visit the dentist."

A root canal is a dental procedure that feels like it's done with the same tools used in Suez and Panama.

A dentist wrote his patient: "Please pay up. After all, I enabled you to eat." "If things don't improve," replied the patient, "you can have your teeth back."

There is a fellow who uses toothpaste flavored with brandy. He now has 40 percent more cavities, but claims he couldn't care less.

Recent survey shows that whiskey drinkers get more cavities than milk drinkers, but they go to the dentist in a better frame of mind.


6-16-98

-If you argue with your dentist about pulling teeth, it usually ends in a draw.

-The problem most of us have at the dentist's office is that we don't lose our nerve.

-Dentistry is so popular today, you can't even get into school without the right kind of pull.

===========================================================================

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayonetted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?" The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"


6-15-98

Rush Limbaugh was walking down the street. He saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and out popped a fairy. He would grant Rush one wish. Rush wished for all Liberal Democrats to die. The fairy said, "gosh, I can't do that. That is too hard, and besides, it is mean." So Rush said, well, then "find me just one honest Democrat." The fairy looked at Rush and said, "Well, let's get to work on that first wish!"


6-14-98

Have you heard about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell. The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. "This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer. "Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach, the music, the volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.


6-13-98

DAFFY-NITIONS

Fascinate: Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only fascinate.

Pasteurize: The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize.

Gruesome: My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers.


6-12-98

The Deer Hunt

1:00 AM - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM - Throw everything except kitchen sink into truck.
3:00 AM - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 AM - Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM - Drive like h*** to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM - Set up camp.. WHOOPS! Forgot the danged tent.
4:30 AM - Head into the woods.
6:05 AM - See Deer
6:06 AM - Take aim.
6:07 AM - CLICK!
6:08 AM - Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM - head back to camp.
9:00 AM - Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM - Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON - Fire gun for HELP! - eat some berries.
12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come into sight.
12:20 PM - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 PM - Get Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to get stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM - Leave camp to hunt deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp to get bullets you forgot.
4:01 PM - Leave camp again to hunt deer.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that ticked you off.
6:00 PM - Arrive back at camp - see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun .. hit pick-up truck.
6:05 PM - Hunting partner returns to camp with a deer
6:06 PM - restrain yourself from shooting hunting partner.
6:07 PM - You fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw old clothes into fire.
6:15 PM - Take pick-up - leave partner at camp
6:25 PM - Pick-up overheats - hole in block caused by bullets.
6:26 PM - Start to walk.
6:30 PM - Fall into mud.
6:35 PM - Meet deer.
6:36 PM - Take Aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun - barrel blows up - clogged with mud.
6:38 PM - Climb tree
8:00 PM - Deer leave - you climb down and wrap gun around tree.
9:00 PM - Hunting partner passes you in another car - LAUGHING!
MIDNIGHT - Home at last!
SUNDAY - Watch football on TV - tear up hunting license into little pieces as you watch your team losing.


6-11-98

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he stuck his old lady up in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.As the Texan ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady..... It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"


6-10-98

Hey everyone. this is great if you like the old humor of the 1980s Saturday Night Live. It is long...but hilarious..worth reading. I send you this because it is funny and you will laugh and like it and stuff. There is no citrus fruit involved and no fancy drawings of bears or roses or friendship poems or dogs or turtles or hugs or anything. You do not have to send this to 20 people, but it is funny and maybe they will like it. No money is donated everytime you send this and you will not have 7 years bad luck if you don't. This letter has no effect whatsoever on anyone who may or may not be your "crush". And you will not be glad you didn't turn the lights on. Thank you and enjoy.

(And you thought I was weird)

=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x=x= Deep Thoughts by jack handey! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- haahaa funny....stupid humor from snl..(sat. night live.) the older, and better one...not this new crap) <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your back yard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Grandpa used to describe the size of everything in terms of a calf. For instance, if he was describing a large dog, he would say it was "about as big as a calf." Or about a car, he would say it "could seat four calves comfortably." (Oh, that was another thing: how many calves could ride in something.)

One time he was talking about a calf he had, and I asked him how big it was. He said it was "about three-quarters as big as a calf."

Sometimes Grandpa would tell time by calves. If you asked him how long something would take, he'd say "About as long as it takes a calf to drive over here."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

When I was in the second grade, there was this other kid who always used to make fun of me. His name was Stupen Dumbello. I think he was from a foreign country. He was real fat and wore real thick glasses and had a bad complexion. One time after he made fun of me I said to him: "Someday somebody's going to make fun of you." But I don't think they ever did.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. "An angel helped me," he said. "Also, he ate your Twinkies."

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I remember the time, there used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

I can still remember Uncle Rick sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera. He'd have this weird expression on his face. Then when he finally got untied from the chair, he'd try to catch us. Man, he hated opera.

One day I was at Grandpa's farm and Grandpa asked me if I wanted to see him cut the head off a chicken. I said no, but he said to come anyway, that it would be good for me.

It wasn't. It was horrible. Blood spurting everywhere, Grandpa running around screaming, and worst of all, Grandpa's finger still wiggling after it had been cut off.

If this is "good" for kids, then I'd hate to see what's bad.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw screw you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.

Uncle Lou once gave me a twenty-dollar gold piece. "Don't lose it," he said. Then, about five years later, he took it back. "It's a good thing you didn't lose it," he said, "or I would have been really mad."

I'll never forget how happy I was when I got my first paycheck, because I thought, Oh, boy, now I can quit!

If they ever come up with a swash-buckling school, I think one of the courses should be "Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

When Grandpa gave me that ten dollars and asked me to go to the store and get some groceries for him, I knew I had a choice: I could go buy candy and gum balls for me and friends, or I could buy model airplanes.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

It's easy to go get some lumber and nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. But what's hard is to try to take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.

I remember lying there and watching an anthill for hours. I would watch them scurrying back and forth, carrying things, digging new tunnels, and finally it hit me: these are the things that are biting me.


6-9-98

POOR OLD FLUFFY!

================
The fellow down the road owns a German Shepard.

The people next door to him own one of those goofy white rabbit they keep in a cage. He came home one Sunday, and his dog is running all around the yard with this rabbit in his mouth.

The rabbit has mud on it, it's got dog spit on it, and it is DEAD! Instead of telling the people what happened, he panicked. He took the rabbit away from the dog took it in the house, washed it off with soap and water, and dried it with a hair dryer. (No pun intended there.)

He waited until it got dark, snuck the rabbit back over next door, put it in the cage, like it had a heart attack, and locked the door.

A few days later he was out in his yard, and he saw the lady from next door. She came over to the fence and said, "I guess you heard what happened." He said, "No, what?" She said, "We have had a death in our family." He said, "Who died?" She said, "Fluffy. And the weird thing was, after we buried him, sombody dug him back up and put him back in his cage."


6-8-98

There was this blonde who died and was on her way to the Pearly-Gates. Saint Peter sees her coming up and yells: Stop, Stop, we have way too many dumb blondes in here already! You can't come in! In disbelief, she replied: Can't come in, dumb, what is this? I have been good, I deserve to be in there and besides I,I,I (stuttering) am not all that dumb! Saint Peter said, with his eyebrows raised: Sure, all blondes say the same dumb thing. But, to show you I'm right, I'll give you one question and if you can get it right, I'll let you in. Fair enough, she replied, with excitement. Saint Peter asked: What is the name of the only son of God? She thought for a moment and then answered: I know, I know, we used to sing about him in the choir, down in that church, back home. His name is ANDY. Saint Peter said: Andy? What are you saying gal? She replied: You know, Andy, like in the Hymn: Annnnndy walks with me, Annnnnndy talks with me, Andy... etc. etc.


6-7-98

This story was told to me by someone in our office, and may even be true.

Recently, a woman in our office came home and was informed by her neighbor that her 10-year-old cat had been hit by a car and killed about 30 minutes earlier. The woman was quite shocked, of course, but worried more about how to tell her 8-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son about the death of the family pet.

When the two got home, she sat them down and proceeded to tell them that the cat had been struck by a car and killed. The 8-year-old understood right away and started to cry. The mother tried to soften the blow by telling the children not to worry, that God had someone new to keep him company in heaven.

The six-year-old boy gave his mom a questioning look and asked, "What's God gonna' do with a DEAD CAT"?

Thanks to Mark Huth <MHuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>


6-6-98

Before you ask me for the day off, consider the following statistics: There are 365 days in the year, you sleep eight hours a day making 122 days, which subtracted from 365 days makes 243 days. You also have 8 hours of recreation every day, making another 122 days and leaves a balance of 121 days. There are 52 Sundays that you do not work at all, leaving 69 days. You get Saturday afternoon off. This gives 52 half-days, or 26 more days that you do not work. This leaves a balance of 43 days. You get an hour off for lunch, which when totaled makes 16 days, leaving 27 days of the year. You get at least 21 days leave every year, so that leaves 6 days. You get 5 legal holidays during the year, which leaves only 1 day, AND YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THAT ONE DAY OFF!


6-5-98

Him: Where is that darned waiter?

Her: Please, don't swear, it's not very polite. Besides, he's busy. He'll be along in a moment.

Him: The service here really stinks. I don't know why we ever came to this fern dump.

Her: This is my favorite restaurant. The atmosphere is so quaint in here. I really enjoy the ferns and antiques. I would have decorated it exactly the same way myself. And besides, the food is so interesting.

Him: What, the tiny piles of cleverly arranged, overpriced vegetarian scraps? There isn't enough wimpy food in the portions here to keep a man going for ten minutes. Now, give me a good, thick, bloody steak...

Her: AAUGH!

Him: ...preferably something I've killed myself. Don't you find that the meat you kill your self always tastes better for some reason? I often go out on the weekends with my NRA buddies, shoot a few Bambis, and drink couple of cases apiece.

Her: I don't think it's very clever to drink too much, especially common and vulgar beer. It's much more civilized to always be in control. We never have anything alcoholic to drink at our "Rabid Friends of Animals" meetings. Sometimes we have a little wine at our Ballet appreciation nights, but those are special occasions. Do you attend any cultural activities?

Him: I go to all of the Jean-Claude Van Damme and Stephen Segal movies as soon as they come out, if that's what you mean. Oh, and give me a good Death Wish or Dirty Harry movie any day. Where is that darn, oops, sorry, freaking waiter?

Her: Um... I don't want to state the obvious but I don't think this is going to work out between us.

Him: Well, you're probably right but it's a shame we didn't get along. You're not that bad looking.

Her: NOT THAT BAD LOOKING?

Him: I mean you don't look that heavy.

Her: NOT THAT HEAVY?

Him: For a woman of your age.

Her: FOR A WOMAN OF MY AGE? This has got to be the worst blind date I've ever been on. I can't imagine what the computer was thinking when it matched us up.

Him: Computers are finite-state machines: they do not think. Someone input the wrong data into the program, that's all.

Her: We have absolutely nothing in common. Besides, you have all the manners and social graces of a 5th level Scrubbletrang.

Him: A 5th level Scrubbletrang? Scrubbletrangs are very rare below the 3rd level unless... wait a minute, how do you know about Scrubbletrangs? Do you play "Voyage to the Plane of Death"?

Her: Play? I'm a "Voyage" master. I've completed all 12 levels in all three sequels to the game. Did you hear that they will be coming out with another sequel in two months? You don't seem the "Voyage" type?

Him: Are you kidding? I love the game. Can't get enough of it! Wow! It is amazing to find someone who knows so much about the most perfect computer game ever written. How long did it take you to figure out to use the candle to subdue the evil...

Waiter: Will there be anything else this evening?

Him: Go away! Can't you see I'm having an intimate conversation with my girlfriend here?

Her: That's right! Go away and leave us alone. What were you saying, dear?


6-4-98

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers


6-3-98

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe.

Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.

Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all man made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.


6-2-98

The male half of a new dance team was pleading with a producer. "You never saw anything so sensational." the dancer raved. "At the finish of our act, I take my partner by the hair and whirl her around for exactly 20 spins. Then I wind up the whole thing by heaving her through an open window." "Heave her through an open window?" asked the producer incredulously. "Do you do that at every performance?" The young dancer shrugged, "Well, no, sometimes I miss."


6-1-98

Member: Pastor, how did you get that cut on your face?

Pastor: I was thinking about my sermon this morning and I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing while I was shaving.

Member: That's too bad. Next time, maybe you better concentrate on your shaving and cut your sermon.


5-31-98

When Bismark was Prussian Ambassador at the Court of Alexander II in the early 1860's, he looked out of a window in the Peterhof Palace and saw a sentry on duty in the middle of the lawn. He asked the Czar why the man was there. The Czar asked his aide-de-camp. The aide-de-camp did not know. The commanding general was summoned. "General, why is that soldier stationed in that isolated place?" asked the Czar. "I beg leave to inform your Majesty that it is in accordance with ancient custom." "What is the origin of the custom?" put in Bismark. "I do not recollect at present," answered the general. "Investigate and report the result," ordered Alexander. The investigation took three days. They found that the sentry was posted there by an order put on the books eighty years before! Records showed that one morning in the spring of 1780, Catherine the Great, who ruled Russia at the time, looked on that lawn and saw the first flower thrusting above the frozen soil. She ordered a sentry to be posted to prevent anyone from picking the flower. And in 1860 there was still a sentry on the lawn -- a memorial to habit, custom, or just everyone's saying, "But we've always done it just that way."


5-30-98

Larry and Doug were seated on a crowded bus. It didn't take long for Doug to notice that Larry had his eyes closed. "What's the matter, pal?" Doug asked. "You sick?" "No I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see women standing."


5-29-98

THE CRIMES THAT WERE THE EASIEST TO DETECT

Any act of genius is marked by a dazzling simplicity. There is about it a logic and inevitability that is deeply satisfying. The following crimes were detected almost immediately after they had been committed.

In 1972 Mr J. Egan from London stole a barge on the River Thames and was very soon caught. There was a dock strike on and his was the only craft moving that day.

Mr J. Ealey committed a burglary in Detroit in 1968 and left his dog at the scene of the crime. The police soon arrived and shouted, 'Home boy.' They then followed the dog back to the burglar's house. And arrived only seconds after he did.

In May 1976 Vernon Drinkwater and Raymond Heap of Blackburn were accused of stealing a car while trying to sell it to its original owner.


5-28-98

A credit card is a way to increase your yearning capacity.

Credit cards are what's responsible for the mourning after.

Of course money can't buy everything. That's why there are credit cards.

An irony of modern life: More wallets would be fatter if they weren't filled with credit cards.

Credit cards are what... -make buying easy and paying hard. -allow you to live within your budget and beyond your means.

Of course, go too much in debt and you'll find yourself discredited.


5-27-98

THE CREATION

* * *
In the beginning, all was void, with the spirit of God brooding over the dark vapors.
* * *
Then God said: LET THERE BE BYTE, and there was byte. God saw the byte, and was pleased with it, and divided the byte in bits. He created a multitude of similar bytes, all identical in their ethereal perfection, and all containing zeros, for zeros were all there were.
* * *
On the second day God toyed with the bytes, and organized them into groups to which he said: YOU SHALL BE CALLED WORDS, FOR FROM BYTES YOU CAME AND OF BYTES YOU ARE COMPOSED. And God saw the words, that they were good and was pleased.
* * *
The third day God said (to whom God was talking has never has never been ascertained or even questioned): I HAVE WORDS, MADE UP OF BYTES, MADE UP OF BITS, BUT SOMETHING'S MISSING.
* * *
So God scraped up a lump of clay, squeezed it tightly in his mighty hands, and flung it against the sky, where it solidified into a smoky mass. God saw the steaming heap, that it was good and said to it: YOU SHALL BE CALLED HARDWARE, A HOME FOR MY BYTES AND BITS, AND AS YOU ARE THE VERY FIRST OF YOUR KIND I SHALL CALL YOU CPU. And God turned, and with a flick of his wrist spew forth tape drives (FOR YOU SHALL BE TEMPORARILY A HOME FOR MY WORDS...), stations, whole teleprocessing installations.
* * *
And God saw all this sparkling in the heavens, that it was good and he was pleased. Having done all this, God rested.
* * *
On the fourth day, God reviewed all that he had done. He saw his bits and his bytes statistically on an infinite variety of media. But he was not satisfied. SOMETHING'S MISSING, said he, I NEED TO ANIMATE MY TREASURED BYTES TO GIVE THEM LIFE. So God leaned back, touched a soiled hand to his mighty brow, and with one single, all-powerful thought set his hardware in motion. YOU said he to the intangible breath now coursing through his hardware, I SHALL CALL SOFTWARE, FOR ...(so on, and so forth.)
* * *
And he continued: YOU ARE THE FIRST, THE BEST, THE MOST PERFECT AND OMNIPOTENT SOFTWARE. And God divided the software in many parts, into utilities, compilers, system libraries and his favorite, most privileged and beloved operating system. God was pleased, so he rested.
* * *
On the fifth day, God again surveyed all that he had done, and was filled with joy. He found that with his creation he could determine the value of pi to ten thousand digits. He found that he could produce flow charts of his beloved operating system, and these he posted by his throne. He discovered that he could run off Snoopy calendars, pictures of Mona Lisa, and witty little computer accounts of the creation. And with a terminal at his throne, he didn't have to travel halfway to hell to access his system.
* * *
He called his creation IMPERATUM BYTAM MAGNAMUS (or IBM for short).
* * *
But all was not well. God's beloved system was so large, so complex, that even the mighty God - maker of heavens and earth (but that's another story), the builder of cpu and virtual memory, the author of fortran - even that God was hard- pressed to keep up on how everything worked.
* * *
So God said I'LL MAKE ME A MAN. And he did, and to the man he said YOU SHALL BE CALLED (logically enough) "MAN" AND TO YOU SHALL FALL THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MAINTAINING ALL THAT I HAVE DONE. And to keep Man happy after-hours, God gave him Woman, saying to Man FOR I KNOW THAT EVEN BYTES GET HUNGRY FOR A LITTLE BIT. And God rested, chuckling at his own play on words.
* * *
On the sixth day, God mounted his throne, logged onto his terminal, and engaged in a full day of uninterrupted one second turnaround. He saw all that he had done, that it was good. He was pleased that from his first byte he had created such a wonderful and extensive toy. He created file after file, he performed advanced and impressive on-line database updates, he wrote a faster and more extensive fortran compiler, and in general rejoiced in the perfection of his IBM.
* * *
After a hard day's work on a hot terminal - during which Man was quietly familiarizing himself with the system documentation - God called it a day (YOU I SHALL CALL DAY... and so forth and so on.)
* * *
On the seventh day - so tired was he from the week's labors - God slept all day. What transpired on that crucial seventh day is recounted in THE FALL OF MAN...


5-26-98

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"


5-25-98

a farmer had been taken in so many times by the local car dealer that when the time came that the car dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it for him as follows:

Basic Cow $200
Two-toned exterior $45
Extra stomach $75
Product storing compartment and dispensing device $60
Four spigots @ $10.00 - $40
Genuine cowhide upholstery $125
Dual horns @ &7.50 - $15
Automatic fly swatter $35
------ List Price $595

And another version of the same.....

Here's what happens when a car salesman turns cow salesman... NO BULL

Basic cow ........................$499.95
Shipping & handling .............. 35.75
Extra stomach .................... 79.25
Two-tone exterior ................ 142.10
Produce storage compartment ...... 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper .........189.60
High output drain system ......... 149.20
Automatic fly swatter ............ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstry ........ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns ................ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment .. 339.40
4x4 Traction drive assembly ...... 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb ....... 69.80

Farmer's Suggested list price .. 2,843.36
Additional dealer adjustment ..... 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (with options). 3,143.36


5-24-98

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."


5-23-98

Here are some renditions of Beatles' songs that I doubt Paul McCartney would have written! Enjoy! :-)

YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

Songs to program by...

Eleanor Rigby
-------------

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
--------

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

Write in C ("Let it Be")
------------------------

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

=========================

Something
---------

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!


5-22-98

Disorder In The Court!

Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name? A: Borofkin. Q: What is his first name? A: I can't remember. Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first name? A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A: No.

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee? A: Yes. Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas? A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine Mc Dowell. Q: What is your marrital status? A: Fair.

Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of? A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney? A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? A: Four times.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at the time? A: Attached to the ears.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent? A: Yes, sir. Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Have you ever been arrested? A: Yes. Q: What for? A: Aggravating a female.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch. A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous? Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you? A: Yes, she did. Q: Who did she say she was? A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother. A: Yes. Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture? A: John Fletecher. Q: That's you?


5-21-98

Memory banks unloading. Bytes break into bits. Unit One's in trouble. And it's scared out of its wits.

........

Louise and her husband met at the commuter train for the ride home. He looked haggard, and she asked, "Did you have a rough day, dear?" "You bet I did," he answered. "The computer was down, and we had to think all day long." ........

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is." Then she went on to help the next student. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is Ted." ........

"Just give us a few days," the repair technician said. "When we have the parts, our computer will call your home to let you know." "I'm not home during the day," Mr. Smith said. "However, I do have an answering machine." "Sorry, sir" the technician said. "Our computer won't talk to a machine." ........

Scientists completed building the largest and most powerful computer ever, with a zillion gigabytes of memory. They entered all the known information we have accumulated since the beginning of time. When they switched it on, the first question they put to the super computer was: "Is there a God?" The computer exclaimed, "There is now!"


5-20-98

A country singer is someone who uses two million dollars worth of equipment to sing about the simple life.


5-19-98

The computer industry continues to improve bit by bit.

The problem with computers is that they do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.

Those who work with computers have terminal problems.

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower? The directions said: Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

Computer programmers never die. They just log off.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

Definition of a computer virus: A terminal illness.

CPU Prayer: Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration and deliver us from power surges. Blessed be the giver of data, patron of the data distressed.


5-18-98

A couple are going to a masquerade party. The wife picks out the costumes and doesn't tell her husband in advance what her costume is. But on the night of the party, she doesn't feel very well, so she tells her husband, "Look, honey, I have a headache, I don't think I'm going to go. But you go ahead and have a good time." So the husband goes without her.

The wife takes two Advils and, a little while later, she feels much better. So she decides to show up at the party and surprise her husband. But when she gets there, she looks for her husband's costume and spots him standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by women. So the wife decides to play a trick on him.

She wanders over and starts flirting. She is quite attractive, and after a while, her husband ditches the other women to concentrate on her. They talk, dance together, drink, and finally wander outside into the garden for a little kissing, cuddling, etc., etc. But when midnight, the time for everyone at the party to take their masks off, rolls around, she slips out quietly.

About an hour later, the wife is sitting up in bed reading when her husband gets home. Slyly wondering how he will explain his actions, she asks him, "So, honey, how was the party?"

"Well, dear," her husband says, "it just wasn't the same without you. I ended up just sitting in a corner playing poker with some of the guys. But you should hear what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"


5-17-98

Perhaps the following technical terminology will tickle your funny bone:

486....The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art....Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete....Any computer you own.

Microsecond....The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error...."Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey")....What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip....Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard....The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse....An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy....The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive....The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer....A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash....A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User....Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System update....A quick method of trashing all of your current software.


5-16-98

There was a conductor on a train in New York. He would work every day without end, or so it seemed. He would be there in the morning for the rush hour, and in the evening well after everyone else had gone home. His life was starting to get boring, so he was beginning to think of some kind of career change. He wanted so badly to get out of the rut that he was in, but he had no money to speak of, and this job did just barely enough to make ends meet.

He was just about at the end of his string, when he saw an attractive woman board the train. No, she was much more than attractive. She was the ULTIMATE BABE!!! Of course, this man, upon seeing her, became dumfounded. He didn't know what to do! He tried to go on with his job, but the more he looked at her, the harder it was to turn away. So he mustered up some courage, and began a conversation with her. Well, as would have it, he had a GREAT time talking with her. Who wouldn't, eh? Well, the train reached her stop, and she had to go. Oh, how he wanted to have their conversation to go on forever!

This man went home with a little spring in his step that night. What a day it had been. He had just had a conversation with the woman that surpassed his dreams! Oh, how lucky I am!, he muses.

The next day, to his surprise, the woman boards the train again! He tries to do his job, but finds himself talking to her again, and they have another wonderful conversation. They are REALLY hitting it off! His mind was reeling. How could I be talking to this BABE???

She gets off at the same stop. How painful it is again to see her go. Next time I see her, I'm going to ask her out. Well, he only has to wait until the next day, for there she is, boarding the train again at her usual stop.

It's now or never. . . .he goes up to her, and asks her out. She says. . . .YES !!!! His heart almost stopped. He is so happy!

Well, the next night is the date. What a wonderful time they had. First they went to dinner, then to dance, then to sit and look at the stars. This man thinks that everything is going so well, that . . . . maybe. . . .oh, this is silly. Why would she interested in me? . . . .He thinks this over in his head, and FINALLY asks those four magic words.

Will you marry me?

YES !!!!

Oh my goodness. . . . he prays to God, thanking Him for his unbelievably great fortune.

They marry in the summer, the first week of July after Independence Day. His joy could not be contained on that day.

----

Well, that was two years ago.

The next year, he found out that this angel of his was not totally faithful. He had found out that this lovely dove had been seen with other men. He, not wanting to lose his treasure, decided not to bring issue with her. As long as she still loves me, he says.

Well, that all ended one night. He came home late after having to work a double shift, and found another man in the house! That was just too much for him!

He immediately kills this man and then he kills his wife.

----

Well, he didn't get away with this deed. He is arrested for double murder and is found guilty. His punishment? Death by electrocution.

They plop him into the chair, and flip the switch. Nothing happens.

What?

They take him out of the chair and check everything. Then they put him in the chair again. They flip the switch, and nothing happens.

huh?

They check the chair for the second time, and try it again. Still nothing seems to happen.

Why?

Because the guy is a poor conductor!


5-15-98

Our Computer, who art in the secured and air-conditioned back-room, Error-Free be Thy name. Your day has come, Your will be done On tape as well as print-out. Give us this day our daily access And delete our user errors As we users forgive system errors made against us. And lead us not into unauthorized hacking, But deliver us spare parts via Federal Express, For Thine is the fastest system With the most bytes And storage capacity forever and ever

Log Off


5-14-98

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly, I must now adopt one.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key.... But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard.... I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantation.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed an died, "Oh no....my database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data....Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes. Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivity....well, I fear it has gone straight to H*ll. And that's the tale I have to tell.... Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Author Unknown


5-13-98

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TAKING COMPUTERS TOO SERIOUSLY WHEN...

You recognize two or more parcel delivery truck drivers and can call them by name.

One of the package delivery drivers attends your wedding.

You pay for software to be delivered "next day air" when you really don't need it that quickly.

You know your package "tracking number" by heart.

All your friends and relatives give you blank diskettes for your birthday and Christmas presents.

Have your wife name your computer as the co-respondent in your divorce papers.

Have never bought one of the "dummies" books.

Bought all the "dummies" books for your wife/husband to get them involved in computers.

Stay on the Internet so much that your commercial provider makes you buy a corporate account.

Ask a potential mate for their e-mail address rather than their sign.

When you wash clothes, you find stray diskettes in your pockets.

You hear the word "Windows" on a TV commercial and wrestle the remote away from your wife to turn up the volume only to find out it's a commercial selling new windows for houses.

You refuse to delete programs off your hard drive that you haven't used in two years.

You overhear a co-worker mention the word bulletin board and interrupt the conversation only to learn he's talking about a notice on the company bulletin board.

Can operate three or more communication packages. Know what IDE, RAM, CMOS, MEGS, VESA and SCSI stand for.

Start looking at new hard drives when you get less than 200 megs of space free on your present drives.

Subscribe to more than three monthly computer magazines.

Go out and buy 50 new floppies rather than go through the 300 used ones you have and delete the files on them.

Get copies of programs from your friends and never use them.

Have more than five books on the Internet.

Can't carry on a conversation without changing it to computers.

Drop everything you're doing to go out and purchase the new program you just read about in a computer magazine.

Start figuring "must have" computer upgrades into the family budget.

Try to "sell" computers by talking about how great they are to all your friends and relatives, telling them they've "got to have one."

Have at least one more computer than people who live in the house.

Memorize the telephone numbers of your favorite computer stores.

Upgrade computer software packages as soon as you get notice that one's available, even if the new features aren't something you'll use.

Call your computer by a name.

Become the guy that everyone at work comes to with their computer problems.

Consider calling Microsoft in the United Kingdom to get an early copy of a program you can't buy here.

Take your computer on vacation with you, even if you go camping.

From The State, Columbia, S.C., Charlie Paschal Column By Charlie Paschal, Staff Writer [cpaschal@scsn.net]

Originally from: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> (Thanks to Gary Guibor)


5-12-98

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS (as depicted in movies, naturally) =====================================================

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and >countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer .

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

Thanks to: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>


5-11-98

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


5-10-98

Billy's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.

Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.

Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy.

Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy.

Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, William.

Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, William.

Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent


5-9-98

Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen for several years. Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of the other by recounting their histories. "And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth." "You had a baby, I presume," said the other husband. "Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."

===========================================================================

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on the table, the guest came in and everyone sat down. Then mother notices something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Larson's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy said he always eats like a horse."


5-8-98

A certain congregation was about to erect a new church edifice. The building committee, in consecutive meetings, passed the following resolutions:

1. We shall build a new church.

2. The new building is to be located on the site of the old one.

3. The material in the old building is to be used in the new one.

4. We shall continue to use the old building until the new one is completed.


5-7-98

Once upon a time there was a handsome 'tater named Baked Potato, and he met and fell in love with a beatiful 'tater named Sweet Potato. They got married and had a wonderful life. They had a daughter they named Little Potato. They all had a wonderful life, were a rich, high class family with no troubles in the world. Then Little Potaot was old enough to date. She would bring her dates home to meet her parents, and everyone got along fine. Then one night she was bringing her date home to meet her parents, and it turned out to be Tom Brokaw!! (sp?) They kept dating and it was getting pretty serious, and Baked Potato and Sweet Potato were getting very worried. Finall they decided they had to speak to their daughter, it was just getting out of hand. Baked Potato and Sweet potato aproached Little Potato and told her she couldn't keep dating Tom Brokaw. Little Potato was heart broken! She cried out to her parents "What is so wrong with me dating Tom Brokaw?!" Baked Potato answered, "My dear, he is nothing but a common-tater."


5-6-98

A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who was plowing his field. The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing blinders, and the farmer was yelling, 'Giddyap, Pete! Giddyap, Herb! Giddyap, Ol' Bill! Giddyap, Jeb!'

After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?"

"Just one, his name is Pete."

"Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & Pete, & Jeb?"

"It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew he was doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But if he thinks he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job all by himself."

"What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when he got back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the committee.


5-5-98

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon.

He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh...." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember. So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing.

"It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming three times, and I never did move!"


5-4-98

Friend: "Has your son's college education proved helpful since you took him into the firm?" Father: "Oh yes, whenever we have a conference, we let him mix the cocktails."

----------------------

Friend: "You look all broken up." College student: "I wrote home for money for a study lamp." Friend: "So what?" College student: "They sent the lamp."

----------------------

"How come your son is doing so well in College?" "Well, wine makes him sick, he's afraid of women, he hates to play games, he's allergic to the sun, and can't sing, so he just stays home and studies."

===========================================================================

"Before I came to college I wish I had known..."

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep right through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. That college kids throw airplanes too. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school--so what? That I would go to a party the night before a final. That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate. That home is a great place to visit. That most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about. That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50. That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. That Psychology is really Biology, That Biology is really Chemistry, That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends. That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!! Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

Thanks to Scotty <COLLIERS@STUDENT.NS.SUU.EDU>


5-3-98

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."


5-2-98

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked...how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"


5-1-98

A fellow conventioneer was asked to spell his name. He said, "Merrill, as in Merrill Lynch, without the money." And his wife added, "But with all the bull." ........

At a casino in Las Vegas where Randy attended bar, a conventioneer in his eighties gulped drown three bourbons. Suddenly clutching his chest in pain, he collapsed and was rushed to the hospital, where the nurse cured his "heart attack" by unbuttoning his shirt and removing the open pin on his conventioneer's badge. ........

When a guy gets drunk and slaps you on the back at a convention, he's glad to see you. When he shakes your hand, he's looking for a job. ........

As keynote speaker at a convention, Sally couldn't be late, but desperation set in as she spent nearly fifty minutes searching in vain for a downtown parking spot. She finally arrived....in time for her speech. Out of six hundred people, she was the only woman there who missed lunch, talked for an hour, and paid $35.50 for an oil and lube job she didn't need.


4-30-98

Member: Pastor, how did you get that cut on your face?

Pastor: I was thinking about my sermon this morning and wasn't concentrating on what I was doing and cut myself while shaving.

Member: That's too bad! Next time you had better concentrate on your shaving and cut your sermon!


4-29-98

Commercials...

Aerobics Center: We specialize in Droop Therapy.

Appliance Store: If you have hang-ups, you need one of our dryers.

Auto Repair Shop: We specialize in Lemon-Aid.

Cabinet Maker: The best Counter-Fitter in town.

Electrical Repair: Lets us remove your shorts.

Maternity Shop: We provide the accessories after the fact.

Travel Agency: Let us show you our bag of treks.

Water Bed Store: Your vinyl resting place.

Wine Shop: Come in and sip into something more comfortable.


4-28-98

Possibly some of you remember the antics of George Burns and Gracie Allen, the comedy team who played the endlessly patient husband and the scatterbrained wife.

A true story about Gracie Allen....at least it's said to be true....recounts that a repairman, called in to fix her electric clock, said, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."

Gracie replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."


4-27-98

There were three clergymen (a priest, a baptist minister, and a rabbi) that decided to go to the lake and do some weekend fishing to get away from all of the hassles of the job. They rented a boat and were about 200 feet from the shore. At about 11 o'clock the priest said, "I am getting hungry". Would you all like something from the snack bar? The preacher and the rabbi said yes. The priest stepped out of the boat and walked to the shore, went to the snack bar and brought back hamburgers for all. The preacher said, "you could have brought back some sodas too!". The priest said, "I forgot". The preacher said,"That's ok, I'll go and get each of us one." The preacher stepped out of the boat and walked to the shore and then to the snack bar. This amazed the rabbi that these two could do that. The preacher arrived back at the boat and gave each person their soda. The priest asked the preacher if he brought back any mustard or ketchup. The preacher said, "no." The rabbi said he would go to shore and get some mustard and ketchup for them. Well, the rabbi stepped out of the boat and sank under the water. He climbed back into the boat and again stepped out of the boat and went under water. The rabbi couldn't understand why he sank. He climbed back into the boat and again he went under water. Well, he climbed back into the boat and thought to himself, My religious beliefs are just as strong as theirs, so I know that I can walk on this water just like they did. Well, he stepped out of the boat and again he disappeared under the water. The priest turned to the preacher and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"


4-26-98

Three Englishmen stopped at a restaurant for a spot of tea. The waiter appeared with pad and pencil. "I'll have a glass of weak tea," ordered the first. "I'll have tea, too," said the second, "but very strong with two pieces of lemon." "Tea for me, too, please," said the third. "but be sure the glass is absolutely clean." In a short time the waiter was back with the order. "All right," he asked, "which one gets the clean glass?"


4-25-98

A boy was asked what he had done on the weekend. He explained, "Sunday I went to the circus, because one of us kids had to take Dad!"

........

The knife swallower finally solved his cholesterol problem. He stopped swallowing butter knives!

........

A man was desperate for work. He read an ad in which the circus playing the town needed somebody for an important job. After a brief interview as to his character and background, the man was accepted. His job was to put on a tiger's skin and work the tightrope in imitation of a real tiger. During his debut performances, he became frightened and fell into a cage in which a lion pranced. The lion came at him, roaring. The man-tiger tried to roar back, failed to get a sound out, and started to run around the ring. The lion caught up with him after a moment and said, "Don't be such a fraidycat. You're not the only guy who needed a job!"


4-24-98

CIA RECRUITS

The CIA held a recruiting drive at a large hotel in New Orleans. The recruits were in a large room listening to the man telling about the CIA.

The CIA man told one of the recruits to step forward. He handed the recruit a pistol and told him to go through the door on the right where he would find his wife and to shoot her. The recruit said "are you serious"? Yes said the man, we have to know how loyal you are.

I can't shoot my wife said the recruit, we have only been married nine months and besides I love my wife! The man said you can't become a CIA man if you don't do this. The man got up and left.

The man told another recruit to step forward. He handed him the pistol and told him to go in the room on the left where he would find his wife and to shoot her. The recruit said, "do I have to do this"? Yes said the man, if you want to become a CIA man. The recruit thought for awhile, then said, "I really wont to be a CIA man" and took the pistol. After he entered the room and shut the door, a shot was heard. After a moment of quite all h--- broke loose. There was screaming, the sound of furniture breaking and much noise. After awhile the recruit came out sweating and said, "do you know there was blanks in that gun"? I had to choke her to death.


4-23-98

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous in telling the new minister how they liked his message, except for one man who said, "That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor." In a few minutes the same man appeared again in line and said, "I don't think you did any preparation for your message, Pastor." Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, Pastor." Finally the minister could stand it no longer. He went over to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. "Oh, don't let the guy bother you," said the deacon. "He is a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."

-----------------------------------------------------

Visitor: How long has your minister been preaching? Member: About 30 years. Visitor: Then I think I will stay. He ought to be through soon.

-----------------------------------------------------

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."


4-22-98

A little boy asked his sister's beau, "How come you show up every night to see my sister? You have one of your own!" ........

An old man saw a young boy sitting on a curb, crying. The old man asked, "Are you all right, little fellow? Lost?" The kid said, "It's worse than that. My mother gave up on Dr. Spock an hour go and started using her own judgment. ........

Sue just gave her son a hint. On his room door she put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18. ........

A small boy asked the girl next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I?" ........

The trouble with your children is that when they're not being a lump in your throat, they're being a pain in your neck. ........

"Bill, get your little brother's hat out of that mud puddle." "I can't, Ma. He's got it strapped too tight under his chin." ........

Father: Why are you always at the bottom of your class? Dennis: It doesn't make any difference. They teach the same thing at both ends. ........

Mother: Suzie, what have you been doing this morning while I was working in the kitchen? Suzie: I was playing postman. Mother: How could you play postman when you don't have any letters? Suzie: I was looking through your trunk in the garage and found a packet of letters tied with a nice ribbon, and I posted one in everyone's mailbox on the block.

===========================================================================

A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," answered the policeman. "Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


4-21-98

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed of the air-craft. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. After checking, the FAA suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Thanks to Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>


4-20-98

STARDATE 73823.6: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (1)

Chakotay: Who cares why? I just gotta find it. _That_ was my animal guide!

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in _this_ system. But, if you catch it, I can cook it.

Holodoc Zimmerman: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice if, _before_ the chicken went off to cross the road, it had remembered to turn me off!

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (That didn't make much sense in this joke because I edited out a scene where he tortures the chicken with a nanoprobe.)

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

"Friendly" Angel: It was being swept aside to make room for the _strong_!

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY... STAY... STAY...

Kirk: To . . . GET! . . . totheOTHER! . . . SIDE!

Quark: There is no profit in chicken.

Captain Sisko: Chicken? I haven't had chicken since I was back on Earth 2 years ago. The replicators don't do it justice. Did I ever tell you about the time...

Dax: I once had a chicken as a temporary simbiant. But it was a little cocky. It would make the road come to it.

Cardassian judge: It does not matter, it is guilty. Death is the only justice.

Odo: What's a chicken? Were there laws violated?

Picard: I don't know, but it must have some significance. Send an away team to retrieve it; by force if necessary.

Data: It is actually an illusion. The chicken was suspended 2 meters above the surface of the planet. As our sensors passed overhead, it APPEARED to transverse the thoroughfare, when in fact, it remained stationary.

Counselor Troi: This poses an interesting psychological question for which man is not equipped to answer. I would suggest daily sessions for the chicken; and bi-weekly for the road.

Wesley Crusher: We conducted an experiment in the Academy. To make it more interesting, I booby-trapped the pathway with anti- matter proximity mines. None of the 1284 chickens made it across the road.

Romulan Commander Tio: We do not care. If we can not have it, we will destroy the creature and the road.

Borg: It is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.

Q: You ridiculous humans concern yourselves with the most insignificant questions. There are no chickens in the Continuum; for that matter, there are no roads.

Star Fleet Headquarters: We are analyzing available telemetry data in order to prepare an appropriate response. Please stand by...

Ship's computer: There are no variety of domestic fowl on the ship's manifest, other than a small unregistered bird which Commander Riker keeps in his quarters for undisclosed purposes.

Holodeck computer: Please enter more specific parameters; width of the thoroughfare, type of terrain, size and speed of the animal, and whether the chicken or the egg came first.

Spock: It is not logical, Captain.

"Bones" McKoy: I think it's dead, Jim. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a plucker...

Thanks to Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU


4-19-98

Hoping to develop his son's character, a father once gave his son a penny and a quarter as he was leaving for Sunday school. "Now Bill, you put whichever one you want in the offering plate," he said.

When the boy returned, his father asked which coin he had given. Bill answered, "Well, just before they sent around the plate the preacher said, `The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the penny a lot more cheerfully than I could give the quarter, so I gave the penny."


4-18-98

From: Trish or CJ

When I was in high school I pulled off this particular prank. This one guy in the class was always BUGGING me, so I conspired to make a fool of him in front of the class. The next day during chem lab, we were informed that we would be using concentrated sulfuric acid, which is clear.

Anyway, during the lab, I took the beaker full of sulfuric acid (and this is the kind of stuff that burns through flesh) and hid it behind a desk. I then filled an identical beaker full of steaming-hot, but not burning-hot water. I used a wax pencil to write on the outside. 'Concentrated Sulfuric Acid'. Then I walked over to this guy that was BUGGING me and got his attention. I took a medicine dropper, filled it with the stuff (which he thought was acid) and shot it all over his face. It was hot water, so he thought he was burning!

He started screaming, 'Cj threw acid on me!!!' And promptly began thrashing and shrieking. Everyone stared at me. Then I held the beaker aloft, threw my head back and drank the whole thing. The teacher nearly dropped dead on the spot. The rest you can just imagine. --CJ Calo ____________________________________________________________________

From: Ryan John Cousineau My High School science courses were similarly interesting.

We had a Science 10 teacher who wasn't usually much for science. As a demonstration, he dropped a blob of sodium into a pan of water. Very impressive. Especially when, with a "pop" the sodium exploded in front of the teacher. He did the demo for the next block with a much smaller piece of sodium...

Another good one was our Chem 12 teacher, who left some disgusting, viscous black mixture on his lab table at the front of the class. We were all busy at our desks, when all of a sudden there was a huge, loud "POP!" and the sucker exploded! Blew black goo up to the ceiling, over the front desks, down to the floor. The stuff on the ceiling never did come off, and some of the students would no longer sit in the front row. ____________________________________________________________________ From: Gandalf the Grey Ammonium tri-iodide is an extremely fun chemical. But you have to be careful. My chem prof played a really cool joke on this really annoying guy in my class. Real pop-off, and he deserved it. You simply fix iodine crystals (expensive) and ammonia (roughtly as much as the crystals can dissolve into). While it is liquid, it's reasonably safe.

Don't use more than a drop on anything, since it will explode once it's dry, and can be dangerous.

However, when placed on a countertop in a very small amount, the first person to touch it gets quite a surprise and a stain on their skin and doesn't come off easily. Hilarious actually. I've only made it once, though. ____________________________________________________________________ From: Mr. Wizard I know that this doesn't really count as a "prank", but once in high school chem we were doing potassium experiments, and there were 36 students (so there were 37 people including the teacher). Each student has 20 test tubes full of water and into each one he or she places a small amount of potassium (the experiment was supposed to test the production of hydrogen.) After the experiment, each person puts the test tubes into a central trash can (for those of you slow in math, that's 740 test tubes EACH ONE of which is pumping out hydrogen.) Later on we were doing tests with glowing splints, and the teacher said "don't put a burning splint into the trash can" (for obvious reasons)

Well, one girl thought that a glowing splint (not burning) would be ok. All I can say is that the column of red flame was more spectacular than any movie nuclear blast! In fact, to this day (6 years later), there is still a very large burn mark on the ceiling of that classroom.

Another one with the same teacher was another potassium mishap. Since potassium cannot be stored in water, it is stored in a sort of oil. Well, he took a golf-ball size chunk and held it in is hand as he cut it. Un- fortunately, the oil was slippery and the chunk fell into the beaker.

Well, what happened was that the beaker EXPLODED and impaled the teacher with several bits of glass (he was in hospital for a day or two) and the desk was strewn with a hundred or so pock-marks.

However, one real prank was with the SAME teacher was in order to keep sanity and good behaviour in class, he would keep 2 squirt guns with him. One with water, and the other with SILVER NITRATE SOLUTION. (this stuff looks just like water but it turns skin BLACK on contact) He shot about 4 people during the year, but only one girl (the same one with the hydrogen) got the silver nitrate (on the FACE!!!).

Finally, this was one I did in college. My first year in the dorms, I would keep a bottle of root beer which someone would continually drink without my knowing. After I couldn't stand it anymore, I went to a friend in the chem dept. and asked him for an acid/base indicator that turns base pink (I forget what the indicator was), and put a bit in my root beer bottle. The plan was that human urine is somewhat base, so when the culprit drank my root beer, he began to pee pink. Needless to say, about 12 hours later, this guy thought he was gonna die!


4-17-98

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied


4-16-98

A blonde's house was on fire so she calls 911. The operator asked her how to get to her house? The blonde replied, DUUUUHH! Big Red Truck.


4-15-98

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


4-14-98

April is always a difficult month for Americans. Even if your ship comes in, the IRS is right there to help you unload it. ........

IRS agent to taxpayer: "I'm afraid we can't allow you to deduct last year's tax as a bad investment." ........

"What kid of work do you do?" "I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue." "Doesn't everybody?" ........

Some say that no person should keep too much to oneself. The IRS is of the same opinion. ........

A businessman who was near death asked that his remains be cremated and the ashes be mailed to the Internal Revenue Service with the following note attached: "Now You Have It All."


4-13-98

-If the good Lord meant us to pay income tax, He'd have made us smart enough to prepare the return.

-That guy has made so much money...his hearse will have a U-Haul behind it.

-If you think nobody knows you're alive...try filing your income tax late!

-For those of you who are making out your income tax, remember that birth control pills are deductible...but only if they don't work.

-Taxes are so high these days that even the Joneses aren't going places.

===========================================================================

-The IRS is like a bad laundry. You keep losing your shirt!

-It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.

-The IRS is to the people what pantyhose are to quick sex.

-It's a privilege to be able to pay taxes. If they keep going up, I may have to give up the privilege!

-Birth-control pills are deductible, but only if they don't work.

-America is a land of untold wealth. Most of it is untold on the tax forms!

-Tax loopholes are just like parking spaces. As soon as you get there, they aren't there anymore.

-Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then!

-Indians used to scalp their enemies. Now the Internal Revenue Service officials do the skinning.

-The IRS checked up on a large religious donation made by a Mr. Thompson. The investigator asked the minister of the church about the contribution: "Did Mr. Thompson give a gift of ten thousand last year?"

The minister answered, "He certainly will!"

===========================================================================

Internal Revenue man, eyeing taxpayer's expense claims:

"Shall we go over this item by item, or would you prefer to chicken out right now?"


4-12-98

Repeating Andy Spinella's post of 5-26-94 on TAXES THE POEM:

Quoted from a clipping `Taxpayer's Lament'

Tax his cow, Tax his goat; Tax his pants, Tax his coat; Tax his crop, Tax his work; Tax his ties, Tax his shirt; Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth); Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule; Tell him, Taxing is the rule. Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth) Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges); Tax him good and let him know, That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more; Tax him till he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax his sod in which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove him to his doom". After he's gone, we won't relax. We'll still collect inheritance tax.

===========================================================================

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank Goodness," returned Mr. Carr. "I thought you were going to want cash."


4-11-98

I thought I would have a laugh on the IRS

so I filled out my tax forms in Roman Numerals...

Then they audited me in Latin :(

Don't mess with the IRS.


4-10-98

The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual stu- dents and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were compiled by Richard Lederer, and appeared in the 12/31/95 edition of "National Review" magazine.]

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcu- pines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.


4-9-98

BILL GATES HOUSE

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electricalsystem."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."


4-8-98

Bach once went horse riding and fell off, but he knew quiters never win, so he got up and tried again. He was Bach in the saddle again.

At the celebrity costume party, two men showed up as classical musicians. Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the other, said in his thick Austrian accent, "You be Motzart... I'll be Bach!"

~~~ Bach Lives On! ~~~

A story is told of two German men in the 1870's who sneaked into the cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried. You must first understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with unfinished scores he was working on when he died, and these men were eager to see if they could be retrieved for their personal gain.

In the dark of night, they began digging at the gravesite and soon reached the coffin. But, as they cleared away the dirt, they began to see a small amount of light emitting from cracks in the coffin! They continued clearing until they could crack open the lid -- only to find *Bach himself*, by the light of a small candle, carefully erasing the unfinished scores; note by note, line by line!

They just stood there aghast, frozen at the sight of the almost skeleton-like figure. They began to tremble, making their shovels clatter against loose stones among the dirt. Bach slowly turned his head up to the men, raised a finger before his lips and whispered, "Shhhhhhhhhhh! I'm.... deeeeeeee-commmmmm-pooooosing!"


4-7-98

A couple of guys were walking through a field and noticed a well. They stepped up to the well and were wondering how deep it was. They looked around for something like a stick or rock to drop down it, but couldn't find anything. Eventually they came across a transmission so they picked it up and dropped it down the well. They waited for a sound but never heard anything. All of a sudden they heard something behind them and when they turned around they saw a goat coming at them like greased lightning. They jumped aside just in time and the goat fell down the well. They turned and looked down the well and then heard something else coming up behind them. They turned to see a farmer standing there. The farmer said, "Have you guys seen a goat around here?" The men answered, "As a matter of fact we have; he was running up behind us really fast and we stepped aside and he fell in the well." "That's impossible," the farmer said, "I had him chained to a transmission!"


4-6-98

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"


4-5-98

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional.

The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says "At KPMG, we are trained to be ex- tremely thorough".

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says "At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient":.

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we dont pee on our hands".


4-4-98

The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar surface to obtain samples. In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected 25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples.

Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie. The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese.

The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie. Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped into his microphone, "Have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"


4-3-98

"Wonder drugs won't help you," the doctor told his elderly patient. "What you need is complete rest and a change of living. Go to a quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat lots of vegetables, drink plenty of good, rich milk, and smoke only one cigar a day." A month later the man returned to the doctor's office. He looked like a new man. "Yes, Doctor," the patient said, "your advice certainly did me a world of good. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. It's not easy to start smoking at my age!'


4-2-98

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"


4-1-98

CHURCH BLOOPERS

Wednesday at 7:30 there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet with the minister in his study.

All members are invited to a potluck supper on Wednesday at 6:00. Prayer and medication will follow.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

This being Easter, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him.

After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

CHURCH BULLETINS

Church typewriters are notorious for embarrassing blunders in church bulletins. One error, using the work "life," printed the sermon topic: "How to Change Your Wife Through Prayer." On another bulletin, intending to use "take," the pastor's column read: "Many calls come to the church each week and we conscientiously fake an interest in every one of them."