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9-30-98

A man making his first skydiving attempt was alarmed when his chute didn't open. He pulled the cord for his reserve chute, but that didn't open either. As he was plummeting toward the ground, he saw another man flying up towards him. "Hey," he shouted at the man, "do you know anything about parachutes?" "Nope," was the reply. "Know anything about gas furnaces?"


9-29-98

A Jewish man goes to see a friend.

"So, Solly, I got dis problem. I got this one son who's now become a Christian. Whadda I do?"

"FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT! I also got only one son and he too has become a Christian? So, Abey, whadda ew do?"

"Let's go see the rabbi."

Abraham and Solomon see the rabbi.

"So, Rabbi, here we are two Jewish gentlemen. Each got only one son each and in each case, our son went and became a Christian. So, wadda we do?"

"FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT! I also have only one son and he has become a Christian. I think we should pray."

They all kneel.

"Father of Heaven. Mighty Jehovah. Here we are, three Jewish gentlemen who all had only one son and who have seen their sons become Christian. So.....what should we do?"

"FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT!"


9-28-98

He is a man with his feet firming planted in mid-air.

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"Do you know of any cures for insomnia?" "Try talking to yourself."

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"You should be ashamed of yourself, laughing at that fat man." "I'm just having fun at his expanse."

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Mary: My husband had my photograph over his heart during the war. In fact, it stopped a bullet one time and saved his life. Jerri: I'm not surprised, dear. It would stop anything.

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"Our dog is just like one of the family." "Really? Which one?"

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"You know, you've changed since I saw you last." "And how? For better or worse?" "My dear, you could only change for the better."

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"I'm a lady killer." "Yeah, they take one look at you and drop dead."

... 3 kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.


9-27-98

It's getting harder and harder to support the government in the manner to which it has become accustomed. ........

A city banker inspecting a customer's farm, pointed to a man in the farmyard and asked, "Is that the hired hand?" The farmer, aware that banks have a reputation for passing out impressive job titles, replied, "No, he's the first vice president in charge of cows." ........

A father was discussing life with his nine-year-old son and the talk turned to the olden days, in the late 1950's, when Dad was young. The son was incredulous that his father could have enjoyed life way back there during the Dark Ages when there were no CDs, VCRs, space shots, or color television. "You know, Dad," he mused, "when I think of you as a little boy, I always think of you in black and white." ........

"Doctor, when you remove this cast, will I be able to play the violin?" "Sure you will." "That's swell! I could never play it before." ........

The Dutch and American flags have similar colors....red, white and blue. When a Dutch visitor was here in the USA, he began to explain to an American friend how he saw the red, white and blue of the Dutch flag. "The colors," he said, "are symbols of our taxes. Red is for when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills, and blue after they have been paid!" "I know what you mean," replied the American. "It's the same here, only we also see stars." ........

A young fellow, who was cutting up in the library, was approached by the librarian. "Please be quiet," she said, "the people around you can't read." "They can't?" said the boy. "Then what are they doing in the library?" ........

In a poem, Ode to Retirement, by Len Ingebrigtsen, is this line: "The reason I know my youth is all spent? My get up and go has got up and went." ........

Walking into a noisy classroom, the instructor slapped a hand on the desk and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down immediately. "It isn't what you demand," explained the instructor, "but the way you demand it." ........

"REBATE.....R-E-B-A-T-E," spelled the student. "That's correct," said the teacher. "What does it mean?" "That's when you have to put a new worm on your fishhook."

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"LIGHTER SIDE"

PULL OVER

A man was driving home from work late one night and was stopped by a policeman for speeding. Upon looking in the back seat, the policeman saw ten machetes. He asked the man what he was doing with these machetes. The man replied, "I'm a jugglar at the circus, and for my act I juggle them." The policeman said, "Oh yea? Get out and prove it to me." whereupon the man got out and began to juggle the machetes.

About this time, a man and his wife came by and observed the juggler. The man said to his wife, "Boy, am I glad I quit drinking! Look what they are making them do now!"

JOKE DU JOUR

Though the Purdue grad loved the look of his new tie, he had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the saleman asked what was wrong, the Purdue grad said, "too tight".

DAILY QUOTE

"It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time."

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"Answer To A Prayer"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

"Doctor's Orders"

There was this man who kept gaining weight. When he went to see his doctor for his annual check-up, he told the doctor, "Doctor, I am getting such a large belly that I can not even see anymore when I go to the bathroom!" The doctor replied, "I have one word for you -- diet." The man responded, "Why, what color it it now?"

JOKE DU JOUR

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand.

DAILY QUOTE

Bumper sticker on a Lexus: Behind Every Successful Woman Is Herself


9-26-98

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees. "Yes, Sir." "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."


9-25-98

An 81-year-old woman, an alumna of a fine school, was asked by a younger alumna to make a contribution to their school's fund-raising campaign. The older woman said she'd be glad to make a gift.

"That's wonderful! Would you like to make that into a pledge over three years?"

"A pledge?" said the elderly woman. "Why, at my age I don't even buy green bananas anymore."


9-24-98

A Tightwad Contest in Oakland was won by a retired welder who separates two-ply toilet paper to save money. "It's no trouble at all...it just takes a little practice," said Lewis Torres, who won top honors in a "How Cheap Are You?" contest sponsored by the Oakland Tribune. He also buys generic groceries and day-old baked goods, reuses plastic bags, and never tosses out soap slivers. "I always did things to save money," said Torres, who attributes his frugal ways to growing up with 14 siblings.

Runners-up included a Berkeley couple who said they save dental floss on a bathroom hook for reuse. A Richmond man claimed he refreezes used ice cubes. The Smiths said they collect 2-for-1 restaurant coupons, ask another couple to join them at the restaurant, making them pay half of the bill while The Smiths dine free. Another gentlemen admitted the following: When his vacuum cleaner bag fills, he cuts open one end, empties it, and sews the bag up for reuse.


9-23-98

A woman is arguing with a meat counter clerk who is trying to tell her that the store is out of chicken. Finally the clerk calls the manager to come over and help.

"Lady," says the manager, "how do you spell the tom in tomato?" "T-O-M," she replies.

"Now how do you spell the pot in potato?" he asks her.

"P-O-T," she answers.

"Then how do you spell the stink in chicken?" he asks.

"There is no stink in chicken," the woman answers.

The manager exclaims, "That's what we've been trying to tell you!"


9-22-98

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
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1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just deficate in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not


9-21-98

Funny Fortunes from the Internet:

-Your car develops a strange noise, and without the money to repair it, you grow to love the melody.

-You win a year's worth of Clamato juice, and end up with many new friends as a result.

-You win a mink coat and inadvertently wear it to Washington DC on animal rights day.

-You will soon learn to yodel, and go on to win many state and regional contests.

-You win the lottery, and with a struggling conscience, end up giving all the money to the Society to Assist Those with Bad Haircuts.

-You will soon experience a change in facial hair growth patterns.

-You will briefly belong to a communal cult, and be kicked out for taking too much time in the bathroom.


9-20-98

One Sunday, our minister told the story of how Mary and Joseph left Jesus behind at the temple. My husband, Bob, wondered, "How could a parent forget his child?" That question was answered as soon as Bob and I arrived home in separate cars. We realized neither one of us had brought our 11-year-old daughter home.


9-19-98

-In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

-The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

-Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

-Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

-The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

-There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly....or start cheating.

-An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice....once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

-Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

-Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

-Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

-There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


9-18-98

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases. They might help initiate football fans into the complexities of church life.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an airconditioning vent.
END ZONE: The pews.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Sunday School teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

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Q: What end does the quarterback look at before the ball is hiked? A: The rear end.

Q: Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter? A: For roofing the passer.

Q: Where do quarterbacks go when they get old? A: Out to pass-ture.

Q: If you want to sack the Dolphins; quarterback, what should you use? A: Your fishing tackle.

Q: What do you call a lineman's kids? A: Chips off the old blocker.

Q: What football player should you be suspicious of? A: The quarterback sneak.

Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? A: "Give me my quarterback!"

Q: What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away? A: A scorecrow.

Q: Why do coaches like punters? A: Because punters always put their best foot forward.

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Coach: Elmer, you can be the end, guard and tackle.

Elmer: That's great, coach! Thanks!

Coach: Yes, sit at the END of the bench, GUARD the water bucket, and TACKLE anyone who gets near it.


9-17-98

Indigestion is what you get when a square meal doesn't fit in a round stomach.

It's useless crying over spilled milk, unless it's condensed.

Why would Swiss chess have the holes when it's Limburger that needs the ventilation?

A cheese cake is something that turns to pound cake when you eat it.

Forget the gas guzzler: The most expensive vehicle to operate, by the mile is the shopping cart.

Ever notice how many people eat with their fingers and talk with their fork?


9-16-98

It was a foggy day, the soup so thick a person couldn't see a hand in front of his face. Nevertheless, a tourist was taking a stroll and, after a few blocks, became anxious. He called out, "Where am I heading?" A voice answered, "For the river." "How do you know?" "Because I just came out!"


9-15-98

Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay. "Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's too thick."

"But I can see the stars overhead," the woman said.

"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode, we're not going that way."


9-14-98

On May 15, 1930, the first airline stewardesses followed instructions listed in Stewardess Manual.....

Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.


9-13-98

THE PROBLEM WITH FLORIDA: A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them...And it is so hot here in the summer...that hell doesn't scare them. --from parables, etc. --submitted by David E. Okerstrom --M.


9-12-98

Professor: I say there, you in the automobile. Your tubular air container has lost its rotundity. Driver: Huh? Professor: I said the cylindrical apparatus which supports your vehicle is no longer symmetrical. Driver: Wha...? Professor: The elastic fabric surrounding the circular frame whose successive revolutions bear you onward in space has not retained its pristine rotundity. Driver: Which? Passing boy: Hey, mister, he says you got a flat tire!


9-11-98

The Golden Rules of Flaming

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring.
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The Twelve Commandments of Flaming

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a butthead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, PMS, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the heck you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!!


9-10-98

Two (ethnics), one short and one tall, get a contract to paint a flagpole. While trying to compute the area, so they'll know how much paint to buy, the short one stands on the tall one's shoulders and stretches to reach the top to compute the height. His reach is short by several inches. So, the taller guy says maybe if they switch positions, because he's taller maybe he can touch the top. (???) They switch positions and naturally he can't touch the top, either.

While sitting, pondering another approach to computing the area, a weightlifter comes by. The two (ethnics) explain their problem. The weightlifter goes over, wrestles the flagpole out of its socket, lays it down, measures it from bottom to top, gives them the figure, then manhandles the flagpole back into its cement socket and walks off.

One (ethnic) looks at the other one, then says, "If that isn't just like a stupid weighlifter. You ask him the height and he gives you the length.


9-9-98

One time Tom took Betty fishing. He was an old hand at it but not Betty. So Tom baited her hook, showed her how to cast, how to wiggle the bait and all that. Well, sure enough, Betty hooked a nice one. When she pulled it up to the boat, she looked over the side and announced, "He's a giant, Tom. Must be at least twelve inches." Tom laughed like crazy, "You call that big? A twelve incher? Why, he's just newly spawned! A baby thing! Twelve inches! Haw! Haw! Haw!" "Tiny?" Betty replied. "You call that tiny? That twelve inches is between the eyes!"

........

Sam and Betty Greece had been waiting at the restaurant for almost an hour for the fish they had ordered, when the waiter finally came to the table and announced that the fish would soon be ready. Bob asked, "Tell me, waiter, just what kind of bait are you using?"

........

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."


9-8-98

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, `And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy gent, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"


9-7-98

A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmatian. The youngsters wondered about the dog's function. One said, "He brings the firemen good luck." A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work." A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fireplug!"


9-6-98

The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes after the men had all retired for their afternoon nap. "It's a terrible blaze at my house," the voice frantically cried. "The flames are licking through the basement and the first floor. Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place." "Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the fire chief. "Yes!" "Then there's no use our coming over. That's all we do."

... * I didn't know chickens HAD fingers......


9-5-98

-=- Heard in the Lunch Room -=-

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A bloke goes to visit his local doctor, Gosh doc he moans. Every time I touch my head it hurts and every time I touch my chest it hurts.

Hmmmm, Muses the doctor.

And not only that, But every time I touch my knees or my ankles it hurts and the same goes for when I touch my shins, belly, hips or shoulders.

Yep nods the doctor, Looks like you've got a broken finger...


9-4-98

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.


9-3-98

Playing the stock market offers you a lot of exercise....running scared, lifting your hopes, and pressing your luck. ........

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. ........

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the wife exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The husband replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here." ........

A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face. When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar I wasted on the second ticket." ........

A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read anymore. ........

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. ........

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

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Did you hear about the guy who was so broke he couldn't even pay attention?

A will is a dead giveaway.

He who buys a mobile home doesn't get a lot.

What has 15 tails and 15 heads? 15 pennies.

What's the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half.

Death and taxes go hand in hand. Taxes are murder and murder is taxing.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who punished his son for buying an all-day sucker at 4 p.m?


9-2-98

Sven and Ole were out deer hunting. Sven was pretty new to this whole deer hunting thing, so Ole had told him all about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc.

Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sven heard some noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good friend Ole.

Sven rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Sven, "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved Ole had you just not field-dressed him."


9-1-98

Dan really liked living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and he'd have to spend the next hour or two wandering the streets of lower Manhattan. So when Dan spotted a ferry no more than twelve feet from the dock, he decided he didn't want to wait for another. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees...a little bruised maybe...but safe on deck. As he got up, brushing himself off, he announced proudly to a passenger, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" "Ya sure did," the passenger said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."


8-31-98

Bill Yates has a Polish secretary; the other day he asked her to send a FAX to Microsoft in San Juan.. Later on that day , he gets a call from San Juan Microsoft: " Hey Bill!, how come you keep sending me the same FAX over and over again? I got 83 Duplicates of the same FAX!" "Uhh, I dunno," he said, "I'll ask my secretary". So he went to his secretary, who was still at the FAX machine, and asked, "San Juan said they're swamped in my Faxes, what seems to be the problem?" She answered; " Well, it's not me!, I keep trying to send your FAX out to them, and it keeps coming out the other side of the FAX machine!"


8-30-98

CONSTITUTION OF THE REPUBLIC OF FLACKADOODLE

We, the people of the harmonious Republic of Flackadoodle do so declare the inalienable right to make up whatever constitution we choose without regards to common sense, correct grammar, and anything else we think of. Thus we present the rules and regulations of our glorious nation as they come to mind:

1) That from hence the two words "affect" and "effect" shall mean the exact same thing and any references to differences shall be struck from the manuals of style.

2) That no citizen of Flackadoodle shall maim, kill, pester, or just plain annoy any other citizen. Violation of this law shall result in being forced to watch Barney shows. Time of sentence shall be determined on a case by case basis.

3) That the difference between commas and periods in bibliographies be elimated, as it is pointless and we could never figure out why there was a difference as long as all the information is there.

4) That further laws of the Republic of Flackadoodle be decided by electing a tremendously huge bureacracy which will consist of senators, congressmen, speech-writers, ministers, priests, and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

5) That after a law has been passed by the huge bureacracy, it be carefully written down and then replaced with whatever makes sense to the writer at the time.

6) That a president be elected with responsibilites of pretending to know about foreign policy, decorating the capitol building, holding parties, getting drunk, while claiming that he is serving the people and not having any fun.

7) That if the president is shot, he will no longer hold the post of president.

8) That the national flower be the allium, the national insect the ant, the national dog the poodle, the national bird the Dodo(as soon as we locate one) and the national Smurf Handy.

9) That a huge national football league be created, the winner of which to be determined by a vote, after which the vote shall be debated by a maximum of five years before it's determined to be just pointless and a national playoff is necessary.

10) That in order to hold a national playoff, it must first be further examined through sub-committees.

11) That Elvis is dead. Just face it.

12) That any television show related to Star Trek be banned from Flackadoodle as it is a truly stupid show and never got any good ratings when it was first broadcast anyways.

13) That any person may sue any other person under the following conditions: 1) That a lawyer be required for both sides, the absence of this ruling the suit null and void. 2) That after settlement of the suit both lawyers be shot.

14) That it be immediately declared the the Republic of Flackadoodle has bad relations with France, on account that they are very annoying.

15) That all menus of gourmet, Italian, and French restaurants be in English so we can read them.

16) That Rosa Luxembourg be declared a national hero, with her birthday a national holiday in which people start socialist non-authoritarian revolutions which stress that if the workers realized that their increased wages were coming from exploitation through imperialism they would reject these increases and join the socialist cause. Everyone participating (it should be noted participation is mandatory) will be thrown in jail for one day, after which they will recognize Luxembourg's true faith and strength in pursuing what she believed in.

17) That the study of mathematical series be stopped as there are no practical uses for them in the real world.

18) That from hence forth those who stop on the stairs to talk to people while holding up the people behind them shall be fined, as it is truly annonying.

19) That women, when saying no to men, simply tell the truth and say they don't like them rather than that whole "just as friends" speech men have heard time and time again.

20) That a National Pessimist be elected who will complain about every detail of the system so that the citizens will not have to worry about doing so.

21) That a National Optimist be elected whose job will be to constantly be happy, explain everything as being good, and always sing short songs. It should be noted that people should be persuaded not to bludgeon, shoot, or maim the National Optimist.

22) That calculators be designed so people without advanced degrees are able to use them.

23) That any computer user who uses more than four acronyms per sentence be bludgeoned and shot.

24) That people be limited to a maximum of five coupons and five coins in grocery stores.

25) That the political system shall consist of two parties. The first shall be at 53rd and Main and will serve German beer, Vodka, and red wine and will stress the opposite of whatever the second party says. The other party will be at 76th and Fairway, shall serve Canadian beer, milk, and white wines and will stress the opposite of whatever the first party says.


8-29-98

A man goes out and buys a 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and cost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kinda car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 1995 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, "why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner, so the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a purty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 120. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2 times, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP, and floorboards it hitting 225, passing it again."

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out, and is amazed to find, it is the old man! Of course, the old man is hurtin for certain.

The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks, "You're hurt bad, is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"


8-28-98

hacker #1: Wow! You got a new Pentium II machine??? How fast is it?
hacker #2: Oh, it's fast!
hacker #1: Well come on, HOW fast???
hacker #2: The last benchmark I ran on it was an infinite loop, and it was finished in 5.68 seconds!


8-27-98

In order to cut expenses in general, the three little pigs are in discussions with management. The feeling is that a whole house is wasted space for three pigs, especially three *little* pigs. The house may be converted to condos, with accommodations opened up to various princes and princesses whose permanent addresses are in some doubt at the moment.

The Old Woman Who Lived in A Shoe has been called in for consultation, because although some have cited her for overcrowding, others have praised her efficient use of space and her ability to house so many children in unconventional spaces, an important talent in an age when space is at a premium.

The activities of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, likewise, will definitely have to be curtailed. Although his removal of children from some towns has lightened the financial burden from those towns, lessening the taxes levied, etc., for those particular towns, other towns, to which the children have been lead, have had to take up the slack, with serious challenges to the community coffers. Officials are considering cutting back on the official and paid hours of the Piper, in order to reduce the numbers of children walked to new communities. Although busing has been suggested to cut down on the cost, time/profit studies have shown that walking, even for some hours, is still more cost-effective than busing, especially when one includes the costs of gas, tires, etc.

Although this is an unfortunate time of year for such an announcement, the Heavenly Choir has also been asked to cut down on practice time because of the escalating costs of rehearsal hall rentals. Further, the Choir may be reduced to a group, or a trio, except for major presentations. The size of the Choir was found to be greater than the audience many times in these days, so this should make the whole concert cycle more manageable.

Wee Willie Winkle, by the way, has been in therapy for a while now, and we are pleased to announce that the extra police force which has been necessary to monitor his nightly sorties, can now be disbanded - at a further savings to the community, and the relief of many parents.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, has also been asked not to grow any more pretty maids in her rows. It was really tearing the neighborhood down and giving a bad impression to tourists. Mary has volunteered to add pretty boys to the row, to add balance, in order to save her row and end the whispers of sexism which have been heard, and her suggestion is under consideration. Any pretty boys are invited to volunteer.

The recipe for Blackbird Pies has also been reevaluated, and the revised ingredients call for only 2 blackbirds per pie. The other 22 birds will be replaced by carrots, wild Mexican yams, and peas. This is indeed a much more ecologically aware pie, as well as taking into account current attitudes towards animal rights, and enlightened dietary information. It is obviously a cheaper product to bring to market. The vegetarian version will use tofu in place of the birds, hardly noticeable among the vegetables.

We also wish to announce that this year's performance of Fantasia will use fewer Sugar Plum Fairies, and substitute any kind of fairy for the sugar plum variety. The Hippos dancing in their tutus will instead be costumed in oneones to save on wardrobe costs, and their number cut back somewhat. Indeed, instead of hippos, the dance company has intimated they may substitute frogs, known widely for their natural leaping ability. We will keep you informed of any further developments.


8-26-98

Hot Air & Honda

There was a man who began to have a terrible problem: every time he farted, he made the sound "Honda". This puzzled every doctor he saw, until finally one physician decided to call Japan and speak to someone at the Honda factory. He finally was put in touch with the company doctor who suggested that he have his patient see his dentist to check for an abscessed tooth. Sure enough, that's what the problem was. The tooth was taken care of, and the problem went away. The doctor was so amazed that the Japanese doctor could do this without even seeing the man, that he called him back. The Japanese doctor explained that it was simple: "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."


8-25-98

A man was lost and went up to a farmer's house to ask directions. He saw a mean-looking dog in the yard and stopped to ask, "Does your dog bite?" The farmer said, "No." So the man came into the yard, and the dog bit him on the leg, which upset him. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite." "That's not my dog," the farmer said.


8-24-98

A farmer wrote one of the giant mail-order companies and asked the price of toilet paper. He received a response that told him to look on page 287 of his catalog. He wrote back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't be asking about toilet paper!" ........

The owner of the car was most concerned. He told the farmer, "I didn't mean to run over your rooster, and more than anything, I'd like to replace him." The farmer said, "Well, go ahead, then. Introduce yourself to the chickens...they're in back!" ........

A rich older farmer had his family over to the house for a fancy Sunday dinner. The farmer looked around and saw his five sons, his two daughters, and the various spouses, but no children of any of these pairings. The farmer said, "I'd love to see some grandchildren sitting at this table. To show you how much I yearn for that, I'm offering fifty thousand dollars to the first one of you who gives me a grandchild. Now let us say grace." When he looked up again, his wife and he were the only ones left at the table. ........

Dennis was a typical Irish farmer in a section of Ireland where electricity was still a rumor. One day his pregnant wife, feeling the pains, knew her time was near, so the doctor was sent for. The doctor asked Dennis to bring him a kerosene lamp so the delivery could be performed. The doctor asked Dennis to hold the light up close. The doctor worked for a while, and then the sound of a crying baby was heard. The doctor said, "You've got a son." Dennis said, "That deserves a bit of a drink, doesn't it?" The doctor indicated that there was more work to do. Soon another baby emerged, and the doctor reported, "That's two boys." "I think I'll open the good whiskey," Dennis said. The doctor said, "Hold the light closer." In several minutes he came up with a little girl. He displayed her for the dazed father, who said, "Do you think the light's attracting them?"


8-23-98

THE FARMER'S DAYVORCE

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
The attorney asked "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a case, but I have a Joyhn Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my Joyhn Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up at about 4:30."
The attorney said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this DAYVORCE!"


8-22-98

Leading a half-dozen children, Mrs. Kay got on the bus. As she headed back, another passenger, a pleasant elderly man, asked, "Are those your children, or is it some kind of picnic?" Mrs. Kay answered, "They're mine, and it's no picnic! ----------

Tommy's grandmother dropped in for her first visit to town. She said to little Tommy, "I'm your grandmother on your daddy's side." Tommy said, "Wow, did you pick the wrong side!" --------

Two grandmothers, wheeling their grandchildren in fancy carriages, met in the park. One admired the baby in the pink-frilled carriage. Naturally, the other grandmother had to repay the compliment and admired the two in the larger carriage. She asked how old those beautiful babies were. The proud grandmother said, "The doctor is eight months old. The judge is a year and a half!"


8-21-98

Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief. About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but Falling Rocks never returned. Even today as you drive throughout the West you can see signs saying: WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS


8-20-98

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."


8-19-98

-When buying a used car, check the radio's push buttons. If they are all set on rock stations, the transmission is probably shot. ........

-Dave will pay closer attention next time. When he bought his car, the dealer assured him it was a bargain that wouldn't last long. The dealer was right. ........

-Jim thinks he's prepared. He keeps a spare set of car keys locked in his trunk. ........

-Susan recently attended a stress management seminar, and she discovered that the cause of her stress is management. ........

-Sam went to a movie recently and things have really changed. This time the cops were on the screen and the robbers were selling refreshments. ........

-Sir, are you studying to be a Zerox machine? You keep repeating yourself. ........

-The nice thing about wearing a smile is that one size fits everybody. ........

-Beatrice considers herself a "take-charge" kind of person. If she can charge it, she'll take it!


8-18-98

Jenny watched her mother put cream on her face and asked, "What's that cream for?"

The mother said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."

A few minutes later, the mother removed the cream.

Jenny stared and then said, "Didn't work, did it?"


8-17-98

Everyday after work my friend, went home and crashed on the couch, where he watched TV and ate until he fell asleep. Deciding it was my duty to convert him to a healthier life-style, I encouraged him to start working out. After listening to weeks of my pestering, my friend called me, complaining of a pulled back muscle. Pleased that he'd finally engaged in some physical activity, I asked him how it happened. "Well," he said, "the TV remote was on the other side of the couch."

===========================================================================

Discussing his tennis technique, a stout man panted: "My brain immediately barks out a command to my body. 'Run forward, but fast,' it says. 'Start right now. Drop the ball gracefully over the net and then walk back slowly.'" "And then what happens?" asked a friend. "And then my body asks, "Who, me?"

... "The thrill of victory, and the agony of delete."


8-16-98

An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "Good!", plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!


8-15-98

The village busybody and supervisor of village morals, accused a workman of having reverted to drink because "with her own eyes" she had seen his pick-up truck parked outside the village tavern. The accused made no defense, but that evening he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.


8-14-98

Teacher: What shape is the earth?
Student: I dunno.
Teacher: Well, what kind of earrings does your girlfriend wear?
Student: Square ones.
Teacher: No, I mean the ones she wears on Sunday.
Student: Round. Teacher: Then, what shape is the earth?
Student: Square on weekdays and round on Sundays.


8-13-98

How strong was our last earthquake? Well, let's just say that my zip code changed three times in a minute and a half.

* * *

If you're in Los Angeles and you feel a quake starting, there are two things to remember. One: run to a doorway for protection. And two: make sure the doorway is in New York.

* * *

The experts say you can predict an earthquake by observing the hehaviour of your pets. They're right. The night before our last quake, our cat and our cocker spaniel packed their bags and headed off for two weeks in Acapulco.


8-12-98

Once there was an Indian tribe which had the curious practice of requiring that squaws giving birth should do so on one of the sacred hides that they kept for that purpose.

One day, all three hides were in use.

The buffalo hide received a baby boy.

The elk hide received a baby girl.

And, on the Hippopotamus hide, twins were born.

Which led the chief to comment:

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

... DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS


8-11-98

-On a hypochondriac's grave: "I Told You I Was Sick."

-Lawyer's gravestone: "Final Decree."

-A henpecked lawyer listed the names of his three wives, then proclaimed: "The Defense Rests."

-Newsman's stone said: "Copy All In."

-Traveling salesman's grave: "My Trip Is Ended. Send My Samples Home."

-School Teacher's brief memorial: "School is Out. Teacher Has Gone Home."

-Baseball fan's inscription: "Play Ball!"


8-10-98

Just imagine what the conversation between God and Moses would have been if God was an environmentalist...

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."

Moses is staggered. The voice continues:

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE. IF THE PHAROAH REFUSES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF FROGS.

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND. IF THE PHAROAH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS.

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY. IF THE PHAROAH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND."

Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?"

"YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT."


8-9-98

My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation:

Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER".
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush".


8-8-98

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late after- noon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers, rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, then you should go into software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.


8-7-98

English is a Crazy Language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

... English ain't bein' spoke no good no more


8-6-98

Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside? A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is grey and not there. A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled? A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats? A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have? A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? A: You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? A: You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? A: Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A. Optimistic!

Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A. Free Parking.

Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A. Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree? A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree? A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill? A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? A: No? Well, it must work then.


8-5-98

What do you get when you put the battery in the Energizer bunny backwards?

It keeps coming and coming and coming...

Scott Amerland

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: msgibson@unixg.ubc.ca (Mark Saison Gibson) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Subject: Typical Voyager episode

For those who don't have time to watch "Voyager" here is a typical episode which sums up everything you need to know about the series:

Opening scene: the bridge. Janeways sitting in chair.

Paris: Captain, there's a huge anomaly 200,00 kilometers off our port bow!

Tuvok: Sensors indicate a temporal anomaly, Captain.

Chakotay: Maybe we should back off.

Janeway: No. We are Starfleet. Our mission is to explore. Set it a course towards the anomaly.

Neelix: N--n--n--o...w--w--w--ait just a darned minute there...

Everybody ignores Neelix.

Paris: Course laid in, captain.

Janeway: Engage manouvering thrusters.

Tuvok: Captain, an object is emerging!

A mysterious glowing cloud on the screen. The cloud parts and the Energizer Bunny (TM) emerges.

Janeway: My God! It just leeps on going and going and going...

Tuvok: You recognize this object. captain?

Janeway: Of course. It is an essential part of Earth cultural history. It symbolizes the indomitable will of the human race to prevail.

Chakotay: My people have similar spiritual symbols, but better.

Tuvok: Captain, we are being hailed.

Janeway: By the bunny?

Tuvok [ with distaste ]: By the...bunny, yes.

Janeway: Open a channel.

A muffled "boom...boom...boom" is heard.

Janeway: Yes...yes... that's precisely the sound...

Chakotay: Wait a minute captain. Don't you notice something wrong...

Everybody notices that the drumming has an irregular beat.

Janeway: Look! He's missing one of his front paws. We have to help!

Tuvok: Captain, the Prime Directive...

Janeway interrupts: Forget the Prime Directive. One bunny to beam directly to sickbay. Energize!

Paris: Transport complete.

Cut to sickbay. Bunny materializes on a diagnostic couch. Kes looks up in surprise, then activates the Doctor.

Doctor: State the nature of the medical emergency!

Kes: I don't know, this...thing just appeared.

Doctor: Ah. It appears to be a mechanical rabbit.

Janeway [ over intercom ]: Doctor, do you have your patient?

Doctor: Possibly. Are you referring to this mechanical rodent?

Janeway: Yes. You have to help.

Doctor: I shall do my best.

Doctor scans bunny with tricorder. Suddenly bunny's eyes glow bright red. A booming voice emanates from it.

Bunny: NO! YOU ARE NOT READY!

Doctor: Ready for what?

Bunny: FOR ANYTHING!

Doctor: Possibly.

BUNNY: I AM THE LAST REPRESENTATIVE OF A 10,000,000,000 YEAR OLD CIVILIZATION THAT ONCE RULED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. I CREATED YOUR RACE AND ALL OTHER SENTIENT CREATURES. BUT YOU ARE NOT READY FOR ME.

Doctor: I see. But you have a wounded paw.

Bunny looks at paw.

Bunny: OH SO I DO. WELL THAT WAS JUST A PLOT DEVICE TO GIVE THE CAPTAIN AN EXCUSE TO BEAM ME ONTO THE SHIP. FORGET IT.

Doctor: I see.

Kes: What do you want us to do, you cute little thing?

Bunny: THIS WOMAN'S KIND WORDS HONOUR ME. I GRANT YOU THREE WISHES.

Kes: OK, my first wish is that Neelix had better hair.

Bunny: GRANTED.

Suddenly Neelix rushes in. He now has normal hair instead of the mop that usually clings to his head.

Neelix: Doctor, help me! I've just had this horrible transformation. I was in the middle of cooking some Xzsadgfghsalxian tomato soup when my hair changed to this horrible mess.

Kes: It was me, Neelix. I asked the Bunny to give you normal hair.

Neelix: But you don't understand. Every species is different. It's our differences that make us unique. They are something to be cherished not rejected. Without my hair, I'm not ME anybore...sob...Why I'm so pissed off I wish you had a foot long nose.

Bunny: GRANTED!

Kes has a foot long nose.

Kes: How could you do that. I love you Neelix but sometimes your such a childish man.

Neelix: Forgive me, Kes. Love is like that sometimes. Relationships are so difficult. Thats why we have television, to explain it all to us. Now I wish we were both back to normal.

Bunny: GRANTED.

Kes and Neelix both go back to normal.

Doctor: What a shame you didn't think of using one of those wishes to get us home.

Kes and Neelix totally ignore him as they embrace to make up for their quarrel.

Bunny: THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO RETURN!

Doctor: Return where?

Bunny: WHERE I CAME FROM!

Bunny dematerializes in a weird cloud of green gas, which slowly dissapates.

Janeway and Chakotay rush in just as the last of the gas disappears.

Janeway: What happened? Report!

Doctor: The patient has departed.

Janeway: My God, you mean he died?

Doctor: Not exactly...

Chakotay interrupts: Don't try to explain, Doctor. Death is a great mystery. Among my people it is to be contemplated, not discussed. This is a solemn moment. We must honor the cosmic bunny.

Doctor looks as if he's about to speak, then thinks better of it.

Janeway: Life is such a wonderful mystery isn't it? I never thought I'd get to meet the Energizer Bunny and then when I finally met him, he died... I feel a much richer person for the experience.

Chakotay: We all are, captain.

THE END


8-4-98

-People on ego trips should do others a favor and buy one-way tickets.

-An egomaniac is someone who's hard of listening.

-Blowing one's own horn only succeeds in deafening the listener.

-Egomaniacs are people who always open their mouth and put their feats in it.

-People who're all wrapped up in themselves usually make pretty small packages.

-An egomaniac is a self-made man who is mistaken in his belief that he can push himself forward by patting himself on the back.

-People who sing their own praises often find themselves performing a solo....and usually out of tune.


8-3-98

The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.


8-2-98

Doctors say that if you eat slowly you eat less. You certainly will if you are a member of a large family.


8-1-98

Three Christians just died, in a car crash and they appear at the pearly gates of Heaven with St. Peter. He says to the first man, "You will only be allowed entrance to Heaven if you can answer this question.

What is Easter?"

The first man thinks for awhile and says, "Oh, Easter is when you put up a pine tree, decorate it, and give presents to your family and friends. Usually your family gets together for Easter Dinner."

St. Peter frowns and throws the man into a lake of fire. He asks the second man, "Do you know what Easter is?"

The second man says, "That's easy. Easter is the day when the Indians and the settlers got together and the Indians taught them how to hunt and grow crops. They had a big feast, and now, we get together and have a feast on that day."

St. Peter scowls and throws the man into a lake of fire. He turns to the third man, "Ok, do *you* know what Easter is?"

The third man smiles and says, "Easter is the celebration of Jesus' resurrection. The Romans crucify him and he's buried in a cave. Three days later, he rises from the dead and exits the cave."

St. Peter smiles and the pearly gates open. As the man enters, he says under his breath, "And if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter!"

===========================================================================

One Sunday late in Lent a Sunday School teacher decided to ask her class what they remembered about Easter.

The first little fellow suggested that Easter was when all the family comes to the house and they eat a big turkey and watch football.

The teacher suggested that perhaps he was thinking of Thanksgiving, not Easter.

A pretty young girl answered, Easter was the day when as you come down the stairs in the morning you see all the beautiful presents under the tree.

At this point, the teacher was really feeling discouraged. But after explain ing that the girl was probably thinking about Christmas, she called on a lad with his hand tentatively raised in the air.

Her spirits perked as the boy said that Easter is the time when Jesus was crucified and buried.

She felt she had gotten through to at least one child until he added, "And then He comes out of the grave and if He sees His shadow we have six more weeks of winter."


7-31-98

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities


7-30-98

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the re- mains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacri- fice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Here are some current candidates:

[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.

Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

-----

[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disor- derly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.

Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

-----

[UPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

-----

Man's Loses Face at Party

[Associated Press, Kincaid, WV] A man at a party popped a blast- ing cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokes- man at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

-----

[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.


7-29-98

On the books in Tennessee:

-In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

-In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

-In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

-In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

-In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!


From "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader:

-In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

-In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

-Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

-In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

-In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

-In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

-In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.


7-28-98

Did you hear about the absent-minded professor? He returned from lunch and saw a sign on the door "Back in 30 minutes," and sat down and waited for himself.


7-27-98

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"


7-26-98

Three doctors were quietly waiting in a duck blind when a bird flew overhead. The general practitioner watched it carefully and said, "Hmm - looks like a duck, flies like a duck, sounds like a duck - in my opinion, we've got a duck." He raised his gun to shoot, but by then the bird was gone.

Minutes later another bird flew by and the pathologist grabbed for his cellular phone, called the library and asked them to open a bird manual. "Green wings, uh huh.. yello bill, yes... quacking sound, that's right - boys, it seems we have a duck." He put down the phone and reached for his gun, but again the bird was out of sight.

The surgeon then spied a third bird. Almost without looking he raised his gun and shot, bringing the bird down. He then turned to the other two doctors and said, "Go see if that was a duck."


7-25-98

A guy walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. The bartender sees the guy and asks, "Hey, what are you doing with that worthless thing in here?". The guy looks at the bartender and replies, "Hey, I don't appreciate you talking about my duck that way!". Looking a bit surprised, the bartender says, "I wasn't talking about your duck, I was talking TO your duck."


7-24-98

Two guys go duck hunting. They each take a thermos: one has coffee, the other has whiskey. All day long, they sit in the boat, waiting for ducks, and drinking from their own thermos. Along about dusk, a lone duck flies across the sky. The guy whose been drinking coffee all day jumps up and "Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!" he misses. The guy whose been drinking whiskey all day jumps up and "Blam!" the duck drops. The coffee drinker says, "How could you hit that duck! You've been drinking whiskey all day!" To which the other replies, "Heck! You can't help but hit *1* out of a flock that big!!!"


7-23-98

Unable to find a replacement cog for his car engine, a Datsun owner was told that he would have to go to Japan to get one. He didn't want to make the trip for so little, so he decided to buy six-dozen cogs and bring them back to America and sell them, to help pay for the flight. On the flight back, there was engine trouble and to save fuel the pilot gave orders to jettison all baggage. This meant that the cogs had to go also. On the ground below, an elderly couple looked up at the sky. They saw all the baggage falling from the plane. "Look, Sarah," said the old man. "It's raining Datsun cogs."


7-22-98

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

===========================================================================

Pete's friend swears the Bible condones getting plastered: He who sins should be stoned! .........

Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster. One said, "We're making great time, but I'm not sure this is the right bus!" ........

Al went into a New York cafe and asked for a Manhattan. The bartender was an Indian and charged him twenty-four dollars! ........

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death! ........

He never drinks when he's driving. He doesn't want to spill any! ........

One day he saw a sign: "Drink Canada Dry." He went!


7-21-98

I'm letting my little son drive the car...he's still too young to be trusted as a pedestrian.

My wife is learning how to drive the car. Next week she learns how to aim it.

The latest automobile will have glass floors so when you run over somebody you can see if it's anyone you know.

"How fast are we going?" "Can't tell. The needle's pointing to my beneficiary."

Auntie was pinched for stopping on a dime...it was in a cop's pocket.

... Multitasking - Twice the mistakes in half the time.


7-20-98

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths and other mishaps:

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore --where a tree blew over and killed him.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge --killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.


7-19-98

A bum goes over to a rabbi and asks for a dime or so. A few minutes later, the bum goes over to another bum across the street. The second bum asks, "How much did you get from the rabbi?" The first bum says, "Get? I ended up giving him a dollar for the temple building fund!"


7-18-98

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because they stick their head out when you're coming home and their face might burn up.


7-17-98

Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.


7-16-98

A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!"

The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys.

They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard.

The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived.

The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue savannah parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa.

The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and packboy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport.

Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - "

The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!"

"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises."


7-15-98

A music student of mine, upon meeting my dogs, told me about his unusually demanding, energetic mutt. It's a border collie / German shepherd mix.

Gentlemen, these things must be stopped. We've crossed something that wants to run the world, with something that *can*.


7-14-98

If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the doctors come over on? The blood vessels.
........
Dr: Is your cough better this morning? Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.
........
Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.
........
Doctor: Did you go to another doctor before you came to me?
Patient: Yes, why?
Doctor: What foolish advice did he give you?
Patient: He told me to come to you.
........
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.
........
What do female doctors use men for?
Male practice.
........
How is a hospital gown like insurance? You're never covered as much as you think you are.
........
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
........
What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door? Vitamin!
........
What did one tonsil say to the other? You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.
........
What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday night fever.
........
Sid: The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.
Sam: Did it work?
Sid: I don't know. I can never finish drinking the hot bath.
........
Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look at this chart. You're overweight.
Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short.
........
I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet. I know where all of them are buried.
........
Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.
........
Definition of conflict of interest: A get well card from your doctor.
........
Doctors bury their mistakes. ........

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
.........
Podiatrist: Someone who knows the agony of de feet.
........
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
........
People who constantly cough never go to the doctors. They go to banquets, to concerts, to church....
........
A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."
........
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me.
........
Overheard in doctor's waiting room: I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.
.........
I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice.
........
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away.
........
What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in time?" It means that if you had waited any longer, it would have cleared up by itself.
........
Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.
........
The strangest thing happened the other day. I was listening to a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.
........
As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"
........
Pathologists know how to cut loose.
........
My doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.
........
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted?
........
My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.
........
Medical Terminology:
Caesarean section: A district in Rome.
Dilate: To live long.
Protein: In favor of young people.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Organic: Musical.
1991 definition of an umbilical cord: Baby bungee.
........
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight.
........
Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.
........
Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.


7-13-98

The head of a small industrial concern posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in the hope of getting better results from his workers. Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said: "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike; and the office boy threatened to beat me up."


7-12-98

Debbie and Glenn Bodman were planning a vacation in Florida, but they didn't know what to do with their dog. So Mr. Bodman wrote the hotel manager and asked if dogs were allowed. He promptly answered:

"Dear Sir:

"I've been in the hotel business for thirty years and I've never had to call the police to eject a disorderly dog; never had a dog set fire to a bed with a cigarette; never found a hotel towel in a dog's suitcase; and never had a dog leave a glass ring on the top of the dresser. Your dog is welcome.

Signed: Manager Smith

"P.S. If your dog will vouch for you, you can come along, too."


7-11-98

Doctor: Say, the check you gave me for my bill came back.

Patient: So did my arthritis!


7-10-98

The woman was driving the doctor nuts with her hypochondria. She kept waking him up in the middle of the night with all sorts of imaginary ailments. One night the phone rang just as the doctor had fallen asleep after a particularly grueling operation. "Oh, Doctor," shrieked the hypochondriac, "I have frantic desires to jump off high buildings. What can I do to stop them?" "Madam," said the doc before hanging up the phone, "I suggest you follow your desires."


7-9-98

Did you hear about O.J.'s plans for after the trial?

He says that he wants to move to West Virginia... they all have the same DNA down there.


7-8-98

Proper Diskette and Care Usage

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....


7-7-98

Joke of the day disclaimer notice:

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7-6-98

Subject: Disciple Recruitment

Qualifications for the perfect recruit

Memo to: Jesus, son of Joseph, Woodcrafters of Nazareth From: Jordan Management Consultants of Jerusalem

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have completed our battery of test: and we have not only run the results through our computer, but have also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychological and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all tests are included; you will want to study them carefully. As part of our service, and for your guidance, allow us some general comments, much as an auditor would make general statements. This is a result of staff consultation and without and additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education, and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capacity.

Simon Peter emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel further that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphas, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leaning, and they both registered high score the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness; meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot your controller and right hand man.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

[From a Newsletter of the Engineering Management Society, reprinted by Carriages & Kings Press, Dr. Norman dePau, Editor.]


7-5-98

Q. What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover Vac?

A. The location of the dirt bag.


7-4-98

RULES FOR YOUR DIET

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts. Foods in this group include hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

6. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something (e.g., a sandwich and ice cream on a scoop from making a sunday).

7. Move-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package. Foods in this group include Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

JOKE DU JOUR

Two old friends became philosophical after downing several drinks. "What would you do if you only had 6 months to live?" Peter asked Dennis. Without hesitation, Dennis replied, "I'd move in with my mother-in-law!" "Goodness, why?" Peter asked. "Because that would be the longest 6 months of my life!"


7-3-98

My weight is my shepherd; I shall not want low-calorie foods. It maketh me to munch on potato chips and bean dip; It leadeth me into 31 Flavors; It restoreth my soul food; It leadeth me in the paths of cream puffs in bakeries. Yea, though I waddle through the valley of weight watchers, I will fear no skimmed milk; For my appetite is with me; My Hostess "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs," they comfort me; They anointeth my body with calories; My scale tippeth over! Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow me All the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of Mrs. Smith's pies...forever!


7-2-98

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: If you think you're walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you're crazy."

Someday I would like to see a waiter with enough courage to lay the check faceup on the table.

About the crossword puzzle addict who died and was buried six feet down and three feet across?

A sharp nose indicates curiosity. A flattened nose indicates too much curiosity.

About the parents who sent their young son to camp to learn to make decisions of his own? He did...the second day there he decided to come home.

The three causes of housewife depression: ABC...NBC...CBS.

A diet is a short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.

A wife is the only person who can look into the top drawer of a dresser and find a man's socks that aren't there.

People who think that time heals everything haven't tried sitting it out in a doctor's waiting room.

The definition for male Dunlap's disease: His stomach done-laps over his belt.

There is a new cigarette with earplugs in every pack. It's for people who don't want to hear why they should quit smoking.

Adult education is what goes on in a household containing teenage children!

-The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

-An executive is a person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.

-That the fans make a baseball stadium cool?

-If you drop a fork, it's a sign company is coming.

-Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

-The rock 'n' roll singer who wore a hearing aid for three years just found out he only needed a haircut.

-Marriage is like horseradish...men praise it with tears in their eyes.

-Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off.

-The reason ideas die quickly in some people's heads is because they can't stand solitary confinement.

-A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane.

-Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from their children.

-Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor's kids.

-Stealing a kiss may be petty larceny, but sometimes it's grand.

-Middle age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.

-Money talks....it says good-bye.

-The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

-The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it's caused by advancing age.

-There are usually two sides to every argument, but no end.

-Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.

-You are getting old when your back goes out more often than you do.

-The trouble with opportunity is that it's always more recognizable going than coming.

-The man/woman who thinks he/she knows it all is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do.

-The perfect age is when children are too old to cry at night and too young to borrow the car.

-Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them.

-Psychiatrists collect the rent.

-A pun is a form of humor that causes everyone to groan and is meant to punish the hearers.

-School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go.

-The loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.

-Social tact is making your company feel at home even though you wish they were.

-A vacation is a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need.


7-1-98

Here is your engagement ring.
She: But this diamond has a flaw in it.
He: You shouldn't notice that...we are in love and love is blind.
She: Not stone blind.