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12-31-97

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at our local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.


12-30-97

Barber's Laws of Backpacking:

1) The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive.

2) Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

3) The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.

4) The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

5) The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.

6) The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

7) The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.

8) The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.

9) When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.

10) If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.

11) The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellant.

Originally From: DAVE COBLE


12-29-97

I was standing in line at the bank on a very busy Friday and right in front of me was a mother with her son who looked to be about 6 years old. In front of them was a heavy set woman who was rather large. She was a business woman I'd guess because of her fancy blue suit and a fashioned leather purse with a beeper attached to it.

Anyway, as I was standing there the kid "whispers" to his mom, "Hey mom! Look at that lady -- she's huge!" The mother whispered back, "Talk more quietly, she might hear you." About a minute later after a few giggles the son says, "But mom, she is really fat." His mother told him it wasn't nice to make fun of people because it could hurt their feelings and then she asked, "How would you like it if people made fun of you?"

This seemed to shut the kid up for awhile but then he spoke up, looking over his shoulder at me, "Mom . . . that lady's butt is this big." To which he held up his hands about a foot apart as if he were measuring. His mother said to him, "If I hear one more word out of your mouth about her, you are going to be in big trouble. You are embarassing me. Now be quiet."

As the line grew shorter (as did this kid's mother's patience) the kid finally quieted down when all of the sudden the lady's beeper went off. The kid yelled to his mother, "Look out Mom! She's backing up! She's backing up!"

Originally From: JONATHAN IVEY


12-27-97

Two surgeons were wheeling a patient into the operating room. The man on the cart was under sedation but still conscious enough to hear one of the doctors say to the other, "I want you to understand that I thoroughly disagree with your diagnosis." Then the surgeon added emphatically, "And furthermore, the autopsy will prove that I am right."


12-24-97

Twelve Days Of Christmas v90.0

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a hanging plastic plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked and who is responsible for the bill.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day, is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted by the Compensation Committee, to suggest replacing this group with ten out of work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


12-23-97

The following article (tale of woe) was submitted to "My Word" column of our local newspaper by Sandra M. Weld, Florida:

ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE CHRISTMAS TREE? HO, HO, HA, HA

In 1990, my husband, Skip, and I were swept up in the national wave of passion to protect our Earth. We had always bought fresh-cut Christmas trees, but never one with the root ball still in place. That year, we decided to be environmentally responsible and buy a live Christmas tree to plant and enjoy for years. Never again would a defenseless tree have to give up its life for our enjoyment.

The idea was so well-received by my friends at work that they wanted to do the same. I found a Georgia tree-farm wholesaler to sell us a truckload of trees for only $25. each.

The excitement of the early-December arrival somewhat left us when we tried to "lift" the trees. Many a car labored out of our office parking lot with its rear suspension dragging under the incredible weight.

Skip and I grunted and groaned, finally unloading the tree, dragging it inside the house. The festive brass planter I had borrowed for the occasion was not big enough for the root ball. I had to buy a larger pot that was more expensive than the tree. We finally wrestled the tree into the pot and tipped it upright. Once decorated, it was our most beautiful tree ever.

Just before Christmas, I was rearranging gifts under the tree when I noticed little black specks on some of the wrapping paper.

As I was investigating, I heard a loud crack as the pot broke under the weight of the root ball. As the tree began to tumble down, all I could do was to catch it and yell for help.

While Skip was looking for materials to prop up the tree, I was trapped, holding it upright. To my horror, I discovered that those little black specks were dead spiders, and their living relatives...now disturbed...were dropping out of the tree and on me.

Skip shored up the tree with concrete blocks while I exterminated the spiders and covered the blocks with a red tablecloth. We enjoyed the tree through Christmas and into January.

It was Arbor Day in late January when I decided to plant the tree. While digging, I came upon some hard-pan soil. I chipped at it with my shovel but had to call on Skip's strength to break through. As the hole neared completion, one last fateful blow with the shovel resulted in a fountain as the water main burst. We were definitely losing our enthusiasm for this environmentally responsible project.

We tried to fix the break ourselves, but our repair leaked. We arranged for a plumber to come out the next day. We turned the water off and went out for dinner. We returned to a flooded family room. We found out too late that when you shut off the water supply, you must also shut off the electricity to the water heater or its element will burn up. We added a new water heater to the plumber's list.

Finally, we planted the tree and dutifully kept it watered and fertilized, according to the grower's instructions. By this time, our little "environmentally responsible" tree had cost u hundreds of dollars.

The tree had one final surprise for us: It died.

This Christmas, I'm looking for a deal on one of those "environmentally responsible" artificial trees.


12-22-97

/* ---------- "Dave Barry: Holiday Shopping" ---------- */

*- CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE -*

-By Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about it, means nothing. It's like walking up to somebody and saying "Appropriate Remark" in a loud, cheerful voice. But "Season's Greetings" is safer, because it does not refer to any actual religion. Some day, I imagine, even "Season's Greetings" will be considered too religious, and we'll celebrate the Holiday Season by saying "Have a nice day."

Some of you may be unhappy with this dereligionizing of the Holiday Season, and you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: It would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall.

Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores. You have your chain bookstores, your chain clothing stores, your chain shoe stores, your chain restrooms, your chain electronic-game arcades.

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but - here is the big difference - in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.

So when you get to the mall for your holiday shopping, the first thing to remember is that you should not park in the parking lot and walk to the mall buildings, because you will probably get killed. Instead, drive your car right up to and, if possible, right into, the mall building. This is perfectly legal; people do it all the time. In almost every mall I've ever been to, the corridors were littered with cars, recreational vehicles, snowmobiles and motorboats left by smart parkers.

Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly.

Here is a very efficient shopping method: Divide the amount of money you have by the number of people on your gift list to get an average dollar amount per person. So if you have $160, and you want to buy gifts for 10 people, your average is $16 per person. Now find something that costs $16, and buy 10 of whatever it is. You'll find many useful gifts in this price range; for example, you could get 10 family-sized bottles of vitamin B. Everyone, young and old alike, can use vitamin B, and your children are sure to shriek with delight when they find it under the tree.

If you want to buy gifts that are a little more personal, you should follow these guidelines:

Gifts for Men

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

Gifts for Women

Again, you should avoid buying clothes, but not because women don't like clothes. The problem is sizes. First of all, women's clothing sizes don't mean anything. Suppose you're looking at a dress, and the tag says it's a size 14. You could measure that dress with every known measuring instrument, checking for every known unit of measurement, and you would never find any dimension that was 14 anythings long. Not only that, but you would never find any dimension that corresponded to the same dimension on any other size-14 dress. Not only that, but chances are you would never find any woman in the entire world who would admit to being a size 14.

Another problem is color. Women do not see color the way men do. Suppose several women are in a paint store, looking at a sample of orange paint. The paint-can label may say "orange," and the paint may appear obviously orange to a male, but the women will never use the word "orange" to describe it. They will say things like: "It has a lot of blue" or "It's much too gray." Don't ask me to explain it. All I know is, if a woman tells a man she'd like a green scarf for Christmas, he'll go out and buy a scarf that he believes to be green, based on his concept of "green," which he got from crayons in the second grade. She will look at the scarf as if it were covered with maggots, then show it to her friends and say: "I asked Harold for a green scarf, and just look at what he got me." They'll all have a good laugh, and she'll return it.

So the safest gifts for women are expensive little bottles of colorless liquids, which are sold at cosmetic counters under names such as "Eau de Water".


12-21-97

I know that Christmas is less than seven weeks away. I heard a clerk rehearsing, "Batteries not included." ...........

Nothing is ever wasted. The Christmas presents of today are the garage sales of tomorrow. ...........

They have some very unusual gifts this Christmas. For people who are always putting their foot in their mouth...Adidas mouthwash!


12-20-97

-=[ Merry Christmas ]=-

-=[ Computer Style ]=-

`Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets. The floppies were stacked by the modem with care In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The files were nestled all snug in a folder The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.

And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse I turned from the screen to the rest of the house. When up from the drive there rose such a clatter I turned to the screen to see what was the matter. Away to the mouse I flew like a flash, Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...

The glow from the screen on the keyboard below Gave an electronic luster to all my macros. When what to my wondering eyes should appear But a little sleigh icon with eight little tiny reindeer And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick I knew in a nano it must be saint Nick.

More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came, He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name. "Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel! On Phosphor! On Photon! On Bauderate and Pixel! Them to the top of the stack. To the top of the heap." Then each little riendeer made a soft beep.

As data before the wild electrons fly, When they meet with a node, mount to the drive, So up to the screentop the cursors they flew, with a sliegh full of disk and databits, too. And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine Of a modem conecting at a baud rate so fine.

As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown, St. Nicholas logged on through, Though I thought I was down. He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer, And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot `er." A bundle of bits he had flung on his back, and he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary, His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry. His little mouth was drawn up like a GIF, And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift. The stump of a routine he held tight in his code, and I knew he had made it past the last node.

He spoke not a word but looked right at me, and I saw in a flash his file was .SEA. He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold, into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold. And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

And he filled all the folders, this happy nerd. And `tis the whole truth, as the story is told, That giving a nod up the window he scrolled. He sprang to the Serial Port as if truly on fire, and away they all flew down the thin copper wire.

But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


12-19-97

From the Internet....

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear, but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, with each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

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A father was surprised at the difference in the dispositions of his two sons. One was a confirmed optimist and the other a pessimist. He decided to put them to a test and see how far they would carry these traits. One Christmas morning the two boys came downstairs to see what Santa had brought them. The father hid behind the door and watched them. In one boy's stocking was only a piece of leather halter and a small horsewhip. The other boy's stocking was overflowing with gifts. This latter boy, who was the pessimist, looked over his array of presents with a bit of sadness. "What did you get?" asked his cheerful brother. "Not much, just the usual - games and things - nothing I really care about. How about you?" Replied the optimist, "I got a pony, but it ran away."

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"I was visited by a happy, bearded fellow who carried a large bag over his shoulder this past Christmas," one woman said to her friend. "My son in college came home and brought his laundry."

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"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?" "No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."

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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $10 bill in it. Now there are ten $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, Lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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-What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

-What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? Pour Santa flush on him.

-What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

-Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.

-Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

-What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

-What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood.

-The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

-When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. ........

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. ........

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been work all week and needed the air.


12-18-97

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregu- lar Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: the willingness to be- lieve improbable stories without thinking, the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others, a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediate- ly. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including: Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com Datafellows Hoax Warnings at http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate them- selves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good materi- al on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

********************************************************** This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these mes- sages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)

**********************************************************

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!


12-17-97

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.

- Author unknown


12-16-97

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

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Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: Peace on Earth Good will to men Batteries not included.

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Children's letters to Santa: "Dear Santa, My folks are getting the toys; you just bring the batteries...Matt."

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One woman to another as they looked at a manger scene and stained glass windows in a downtown store window, "Humph, look at that, will ya. The church is trying to horn in on Christmas!"


12-15-97

THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27 You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thankyou so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28 What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29 The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30 Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31 I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.

Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2 This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily.

Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily.

Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Sir, Jan 5 Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law.

Author unknown.


12-8-97

~~~ Beethoven's Ninth - The Legendary Performance ~~~

A couple of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter. At this point, you must understand two things:

1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do... not a single note for page after page!

2. There's a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Batter's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of completely loosing it, as he began making gestures at the bases while trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages. But the absolute *worst* part of it: (brace yourself)

Batter was up at the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied with the basses loaded and two men out.

- Told as only laughalot-owner@graceweb.org would!

(Truly horrible! I could get charged for assult for telling that one!)


12-6-97

Eugene Sills went to see his attorney to make a will. When it was all done, he told the lawyer that he wanted only one more thing added....he wanted to be buried at sea.

"Buy why?" the lawyer asked.

"That's so my wife can be taken care of if she goes ahead with her threat to dance on my grave."


12-5-97

You know how it is...you go to the office and a coworker is really a grouch...but he even admits it. Like it wasn't a choice for him to come to work grouchy...you say, "What's wrong with you?" "Aw, I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning...I am in a bad mood!" "Makes me want to tell him, 'WAIT! STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND GO HOME AND GET INTO BED AND ROLL OUT THE RIGHT SIDE!!"

A mother and daughter were going Christmas shopping and they had been to quite a few various stores...the mother was very weary and alittle bit snappy...the daughter wanted to go to just one more, and finally after much persuasion, the mother agreed wven though her feet were hurting and she was tired. When they came out, the mother remarked, "Did you see the dirty look that salesperson gave me? What nerve he has!" The daughter replied "Mom, he didn't give you that dirty look, you had it when you went in!"

A mother had a son named Jed and every morning, she would go get him up at 5:30 am and tell him "Get up Jed, time to get up...IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!"

Jed never felt like getting up...the house was cold and it was dark. But it was his job to get the fire going and do his chores before breakfast.

One morning his mother came in at 5:30 am and told him "Jed, time to get up...IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!"

Jed could stand it no longer...no kid at 5:30 am could think of anything being great...so he told him mom "No it's not, it's going to be a terrible day!"

His mother said, "Well, Sweetheart, if you feel that way, just go back to sleep." Jed looked at her in amazement...so he did just that thinking, "Wow, why didn't I do that sooner?" So he went happily back to sleep.

He awoke about 3 hours later, feeling refreshed. It was light, the house was warm and he was hungry and he could smell breakfast cooking. His mother had gotten the house warm and was downstairs cooking the food.

He went down and with a big smile on his face, greeted his mom and said, "Mom, it's going to be a great day! I sure am hungry." She looked at him and said, "You don't get any breakfast." He said, "Why not?" and she told him "Don't you remember this morning when I woke you up and told you that this was going to be a great day? Well, you told me it was going to be terrible and son, as your mother, I'm going to see to it that it is!" So he was sent back to his room. He slept and slept and pretty soon he could't sleep amymore...he was all slept out. So when it was finally night time, he had already done all his sleeping...when the next morning was finally there, he was wide awake at 5:00 am sitting up in bed when his mother came in, and before she could say anything, he jumped out of bed fully clothed shouting "Mom, IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!"


12-4-97

An American was visiting in Australia. "Don't you think that tower is beautiful?" asked his Australian guide. "Well, now," said the American, "we've got towers as big as that or bigger at home." "What about this road?" asked the Aussie. "Have you ever seen any like it before?" "Why sure," said the visitor. "We've got lots of roads longer and wider than that." They continued walking until they came to a field. Suddenly they saw a kangaroo hop by. "Well, said the American, "one thing I'll have to admit. Your grasshoppers are a little larger than ours at home."


12-3-97

This is the content of http://www.jaring.my/~star/thursday/07adsp.html

The Star is a newspaper in Malaysia. The "my" in the address indicates that the server is in Malaysia.

The Star: 7-Dec-95 Life!

The Asian fixation

By Adele Lim -----------------------------------------------------------------------

FOR the past year or so, I have been in Boston, in the United States, watching my floor-mates grind marijuana in their coffee grinders and having my lipsticks flicked by the resident drag queen. I spent sleepless nights due to my room-mate's search for Eastern religion, not that I felt a moral obligation to enlighten her, but because the wench kept setting off the smoke alarm with her incense burner (swami-endorsed coconut sticks -- for purity of mind, wholeness of soul, movement of bowels, whatever).

The youth of America it seems, are going through a period of autonomy in which they are taking full charge of their lives, rejecting the lifestyles and church Mother used to go to, and searching for a higher meaning to life.

A higher education then becomes not so much the pursuit of knowledge, but rather a transitionary period where one meditates, burns candles blessed by the holy-moly down the road, indulges in carnal sin and goes for an occasional lecture if threatened with expulsion. Thus, the average Asian student need not feel shocked to find that his/her biggest academic competition would be Liu Ta Sha, the Taiwanese down the hall. The Americans are too busy talking to you about tai-chi, gathering details on acquiring a personal kung-fu sifu and finding out if the Shanghainese monks (the ones who fly through the trees in saffron robes) would like to give a lecture during Multiculturalism week.

In a strange way, this works to the advantage of Asian students throughout the continent, who find that their saham naik (stock rises), as it's quaintly put in Bahasa Melayu. As a foreigner, you represent everything a culturally-deprived generation seeks. You are Zen, Tao, Yin, Yang, oriental philosophy, inner peace, tranquility, dim sum, fortune cookie and hara kiri. You are cool.

This is a marvelous opportunity to become ambassadors for one's country and boost the local tourism industry at the expense of irreverent, capitalistic western countries. But more often than not, one is tempted to enhance reality by saying that the Praying Mantis stance is part of the public school curriculum and that local leaders slaughter a chicken daily to ensure the rising of the sun.

I had half the dormitory believing that nodding serenely whilst saying, "May birds fly peacefully over your head," was the Malaysian equivalent of "Hello."

They firmly believe that we are a breed unto ourselves, our parents speak to us in enigmatic, Confucius-induced lines ("Good-morning dear, may the fragrant flower that drops into your pond evade the pounce of the cunning frog,") and that our vast wisdom may be purchased for their tacky commercially-viable creations ("This is su-per-mar-ket. Have su-permar-ket in Ma-lay-sia?").

There are innovative Americans who cleverly combine the spirituality of the East and the carnality of the West. Toddle in to any bookstore and the "Specials" table will be crammed with titles such as Find Your Sexy Zen-Man, The Zen Way Of Sex, The Tao Way Of Sex, The Sex Way Of Tao, Make Your Own Zen Chocolates: The Ultimate In Spiritual Gastronomic Sensuality! Such literary masterpieces find their ways onto the bookshelves of young American students in the process of self-actualisation. More than once I've caught my roomie giving me a funny look in the middle of an edition of The Te of Piglet.

Maybe it's the drinking water. But I suppose it's all due to the disillusionment of youth. We're talking about a bunch of young people who believe that Republicans are the anti-Christ, that meditation and 'shrooms (mushrooms -- a hallucinogenic drug that makes you see all sorts of happy colours) lead to Unity and Peace and body-piercing is a symbol of purity.

Then you have all these instructive fellows insisting they know The Way. I think they're the same blokes who publish the smutty Zen books. I think any Asian can pretty much start his/her own religion over there; the trick is to remain obscure. Never state an absolute truth -- instead of "getting piss-drunk is bad," one would say "the depurification of the body leads to inability of body, self and spirit to achieve One-ness."

Use eastern metaphors. . .anything with storks, mountains and bamboos. Drop basic laws of grammar to give your wisdom an eastern ring (instead of "If you make a lot of noise beside a river, you're going to scare away the fish," one says "If sit on rock beside river, must revere water by silence, then will golden carp come").

Unfortunately, there aren't many Asians around to put up that sort of song and dance for their American counterparts. We're too busy getting professional degrees and making lots of money selling minyak kapak. The Americans have yet to realise our identities lie not in Eastern religion, but rather in how we behave and what we eat. I mean, if Bostonians were to really become Oriental, there wouldn't be an abundance of fat squirrels bounding around the Public Gardens, they'd be in Longevity soup, that's where they'd be.

Despite it all, it's a marvellous experience to see the populace of great and mighty America bedazzled by Asian mythology. It balances the awe exuded from our side (I stood at the supermarket checkout line like an Ulu-Zulu waiting for the cashier to punch in my credit card. It's all automated now. They have this Star Trek control panel where you sort your finances and the flow of non-tangible money is automatically debited into the store's account.).

It's terribly entertaining. Sometimes I don't know if my dates are going out with me due to my beauteous inner-person or for a cultural experience (sort of like trying sushi for the first time). In time they will learn that I was not brought up in a martialarts monastery, neither do I have the slightest idea who Lao-Tse is.

You will realise that, contrary to the belief of many Malaysian school officials, America is not merely a cesspool of sex, booze and drugs from which we are to sequester ourselves. Being with the people is a symbiotic learning experience in which we're not expected to conform, but to engage in something mutually enriching (nice term isn't it? Mutually enriching, sounds like you're actually doing something constructive with your life).

Yes, education may be the point of it all, but the experience counts for much more. There is little advantage in travelling half the globe only to leech onto the kampung Malaysia on campus. I'm not saying you should capitalise on the Asian fixation (like trying to get a discount from sympathetic bookstores after the wide publicity of the Japanese earthquake). But it does make things easier for you in getting to know the people and their lifestyles.

There's no harm in being a little imperialistic, sure, make the world Malaysia, but for goodness sake, don't create a little Malaysia full of little Malaysians smack in the middle of Kansas. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Wring the grapes of opportunity. Introduce soy-sauce to the western hemisphere and enjoy America!


12-2-97

News Flash:

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.

"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.

... The sad thing about slamming Windows is that it's so easy.


12-1-97

There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store. Needless to say, he was quite furious.

Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to hire a bum off the street who desperately needed some money.

So he finds a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to beat up his wife and her lovers the next time she goes to the store.

So the next day, the business man's wife went shopping and flirts first with the butcher and then the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife.

Well, the assassin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security guards who haul him off to the police.

It didn't take long for the press to print the headline:

FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!!


11-30-97

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery recently. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

---------------

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place."


11-29-97

The newspaper article was about a man in Connecticut who was arrested for stealing a chicken from a market. He claimed the chicken flew under his coat. But the police doubted his story since the chicken was frozen.


11-28-97

Advertisement: Private entrance, traditional neighborhood, family-oriented street, fenced yard, all utilities, near schools, airport, $650.00, 1st and last month up front.

What it really means is---Airport! Yikes! Have you ever looked up (from underneath) at the landing gear of a 747 once-every-hour-or-so when this beauty drowns out all speech, television, and the ability to think as it roars over your house at about 220 shrieking decibels and barely clears the chimney. ??? ------------------------------------

Advertisement: Large one bedroom on bus.

What it means: Beats me!. . .Frankly, I don't believe it!. . . And anyway, who would want to sleep with 30-55 other people every night...and probably end up in Chicago! --------------------------------------

Advertisement: Sunny, 2 bdrm., many closets, lvng rm., den, dining rm., kitchen, foyer, hall, 1/2 basement, garage, deck, shed, yard, gated fence, $750.

What it means: Sorry. . .No bathroom! --------------------------------------

Advertisement: Five huge rooms, plus two huge bedrooms, two bathrooms, ample parking, no utilities, $1,000.

What it means: Former parking garage, that explains no utilities, cold in the winter. Advantage: Keep your car right beside your bed. -------------------------------------

Advertisement: Spacious 3-room, 1 bedroom apt., handy location, $650

What it means: Yup! Handy location!. . .Located over Harry's Bar & Grill, next to Tony's all-night Pizzeria and the Adult Bookstore, big factory across the street, and just one short block from Barney's Shipping and Unloading Docks, the Jimmy Hoffa Longshoreman's Club, and a U.S. Naval Base. --------------------------------------

Advertisement: Heated one bedroom on quiet street, brick bldg., elevator, $765.

What it means: Mmmmmmmmm. . .the street is quiet--eerily quiet! For who would dare to go out there after dark! And watch out for that thug on the freight elevator! -----------------------------------------

Advertisement: Efficiency apt. No fee. All utilities. Near expressway and rail line, $875.

What it means: In this ad, the word "near" means "between" as in between expressway and rail line. Close-up views of train engineers and passengers from bedroom window. Front entrance abuts breakdown lane on I-95. Living room overlooks recent crash site. Billboards an added plus, especially the safe-sex billboard. ---------------------------------------- Advertisement: Two-bedroom apt. on first floor in friendly building, pets permitted, utilities included. Quiet neighborhood. $350.

What it means: Did we say the *building*, is quiet? No, we did not. We said the neighborhood is quiet. The building is friendly. Actually, we meant intimate. Paper-thin walls, barking dogs everywhere, screaming kids overhead. We can barely give this one away. Neighborhood petition being signed to demolish this wooden-frame, 3-decker, run-down, duplex before one of its crazy crack-addict tenants burns it down accidentally. As for the utilities, does the phrase "absentee landlord" mean anything to you?

========================================================

Louise was describing her new apartment to her mother. "Mom, you've got to come and see it. It's gorgeous! Great sitting room and the bedroom is exquisite. The kitchen is a model of efficiency and the bathroom...well, all I can say is...the bathroom is out of this world!"

There was a pause, then her mother remarked, "Isn't that a little inconvenient?"


11-27-97

-April 15th is when the money supply gets out of hand....Out of your hand and into the governments.

-People keep asking Tom if there's much work involved in owning a 50-year-old house. Well, he says, "On my income tax, I list a hardware store as a dependent!


11-26-97

A teacher displayed pictures drawn by her second-grade students after she had told them about the Pilgrims' voyage and the first Thanksgiving. One drawing, by the son of an army colonel and a veteran of many moves, caught the eye of many parents and guests. There, among the Pilgrims, Indians, and turkeys, was a moving van with "Mayflower" written on it.

--------------------------------------------------------

Husband to wife after the Thanksgiving church service: "When the pastor asked us to name some of our blessings, did you have to mention after-Thanksgiving sales?"


11-23-97

* Forwarded from "Cyber3DNet Joke Echo" * Originally by Nathan Neal, 330:3200/0@Cyber3DNet * Originally to All * Originally dated 25 Aug 1996, 20:49

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.


11-22-97

There are 3 ants racing up a toilet seat.. The ant #1 climed up first, and was walking around the toilet bowl to see if any other ants has come up b4 him, but couldn't find one.. a few minutes after ant #2 climbed up looking very tired.. so the ant #1 goes to ant #2, 'what happened to the ant #3?" then the ant #2 goes, 'well, he went up about half way, then he got pissed off'


11-19-97

A crafty old antique-dealer is travelling through a rural town when he spots a priceless Chippendale cabinet in a junk shop. He knows he will make tens of thousands of dollars reselling it if he can persuade the shop-owner that it's worthless. He offers the man ten dollars, explaining that the only reason he's interested is that he needs some firewood and the wood should burn well. So the price is agreed and the dealer explains that he'll return the next day with his van to pick up the cabinet. The following morning, the dealer drives up and sees a pile of old wood sitting outside the shop. "What's that?" he says. "It's the cabinet," says the shopowner. "I felt so guilty charging ten dollars for firewood that I've done you a favour and chopped it up for you."


11-18-97

The manager of the accounting department hired a new assistant...a young lady just out of school. He told her, "This department deals in figures and we must be sure they are 100 percent accurate." He also said, "Before you bring me any reports to look at, be sure you add the figures at least four times." The day after she was hired, the young lady worked on a report of several pages. Upon finishing the task, she walked into the manager's office and said, "Here's the report you wanted." He asked, "Did you do as I instructed, adding them up four times?" "Yes, sir," she said, "and here are the four answers."


11-14-97

Answering Machine Message: (Sung to the tune of "You'll Never Walk Alone")

When you talk on the phone, please speak up real loud, And don't be afraid of the beep. I can't talk right now, but don't have a cow, I'm just out, or I might be asleep. Talk on anyway, tell me what you have to say, Though you hate to talk alone. Talk on, talk on, with hope in your heart, That I'll call back when I get home. Just leave your message at the tone. (BEEP)


11-13-97

-Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors? Over the apevine.

-There's a dog that loves to be scrubbed three times every day. The owners aren't sure of his breed, they think he's a shampoodle.

-A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

-A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.

-A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.

-A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"

-A hard-luck actor, who appeared in one colossal disaster after another, finally got a break...a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.

-A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today and I've been telling it to the Maureens."

-Where does a blackbird go for a drink? To a crow bar.


11-12-97

While driving in Pennsylvania, the Graham family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."


11-10-97

It's been said: "America is the only country where you can go on the air and kid politicians...and where politicians go on the air and kid the people."


11-8-97

A man had just become engaged and was visiting his future mother in law for the first time. "How old do you think I am ?" she asked, a strange smile playing on her lips. The young man thought for a moment and then proved himself wise beyond his years. "Well, Ma'am," he responded with what appeared like total gravity, "I'm wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit in with your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence."

===========================================================================

"Your age, please?" asked the census taker.

"Well," said the woman, "let me figure it out. I was 18 when I was married and my husband was 30. He is now 60, or twice as old as he was then, so I am now 36."

===========================================================================

-He has now reached that age where he no longer sows wild oats, but he's a lot more interested in bran.

-He always said that he was going to travel after he retired, but so far it has been mostly to the doctor and the bathroom.

-Among his many accomplishments, he has a green thumb. It's from fishing olives out of martinis.

-He recently renewed his subscription to PLAYBOY, but can't remember why. But when the magazine did arrive, his copy comes with a snooze alarm.

-The little old lady sighed, "Old age is terrible. My eyes are getting worse and worse. I have difficulty reading, and when I look at television, it's all fuzzy." But then she brightened up and said, "Thank goodness, I can still drive."


11-6-97

"We have met the elderly, and they are us."

"If you know a crabby old person, he was probably a crabby young person."

"Aging is becoming yourself with a vengeance."

-attributed to Dr. Robert N. Butler, Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, New York Thanks to Richard Hughen <hughie@POSTOFFICE.PTD.NET>


11-5-97

"Eve and Adam"

A female parishoner recently asked a Pastor why he thought God didn't put a woman in the Garden of Eden first, and take a rib from her to make man. His response was, "He probably didn't want advice on how to do it."


11-4-97

"I know about a motorist, going eighty MPH, who tried to beat a speeding train to an intersection."

"Did he motorist get across?"

"He got a cross, all right...a beautiful marble cross purchased by his beneficiaries."


10-31-97

"Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf." "That's a rotten lie!" Johnson protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"


10-30-97

For many years Millie had been harassed by her husband Frank because of her once-in-a-while overdrawn condition at the bank. Then one day she'd had enough. "Did it ever occur to that pinched brain of yours," she grumbled, "that I am NOT overdrawn...but that you ARE under deposited?"

===========================================================================

A man went into the bank for a loan. The loan officer said, I'll have to have a statement from you." The applicant said, "Certainly. How's this: A rolling stone gathers no moss!" ........

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now." ........

Received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me, "This is the last time we're going to spend 32 cents to tell you that you have fifteen cents!" ........

He was an infielder in a bank. He used to catch checks on the first bounce! ........

If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers! ........

A woman came up with a great idea for her husband, telling him, "Why don't we borrow a little money every month and set that aside?" ........

He must have some inner ear trouble. He went into a bank and lost his balance. ........

I just went partners with the bank. They own half of my car. ........

A banker fell out of his pleasure boat and called for help. A nearby boat owner, said, "Can you float along for a while?" The banker said, "How do you like that? I'm drowning and he wants to talk business!" ........

One bank opened a branch near a cemetery. In the window the president put a sign that read, "You can't take it with you when you go, but here's a chance to be near it!" ........

Jesse James told his brother Frank, "Tomorrow we rob the Second National Bank." Frank said, "We'd better not. That's where we keep OUR money!" ........

When I moved into this small town, everybody greeted me, "Hello, pardner." Wherever I went, it was "Hello pardner." Then I went into the bank to cash a check, and it was "Howdy, stranger!"


10-29-97

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"


10-28-97

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."


10-27-97

1992 APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS STATE OF ARKANSAS BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR

Name: _____________________________________________________________________

Nickname: __________________________ CB Handle: ___________________________

Address (RDF): ___________________________________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, attach list of three suspects): ________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ Neck Shade: [ ]Light Red [ ]Medium Red [ ]Dark Red [ Other Number of Teeth Exposed in Full Grin: ___________ Upper _____________ Lower Make of Pick-up Truck: __________________________ Size of Tire: ___________ Truck Equipped With: [ ]Gun Rack [ ]Fuzzbuster [ ]8-Track [ ]Rebel Flag [ ]Roll Bar [ ]CB Radio [ ]Beer Cans [ ]Squirrel Tail Number of Hounds: ____ Type: [ ]Blue Tick [ ]Beagle [ ]Black & Tan [ ]Other

Length of Right Leg:___________ Length of Left Leg:_________ Other ________

How Many Cars/Makes Parked in Front Yard? ______ How Many on Blocks? ______ How Many Kitchen Appliances on Front Porch? ____ How Many on Back Porch?___ When & Where was Your Last Elvis Sighting? ________________________________ Do You Mostly Wear Polyester Pants with Snags? [ ]Yes [ ]No Do You Own Any Shoes (not boots)? [ ]Yes [ ]No Are You Married to any of the Following (mark any that apply): [ ]Sister [ ]Cousin [ ]Cousin's Sister [ ]Aunt [ ]Other, Explain

___________________________________________________________________________ Does Your Wife Weigh More Than Your Pick-up? [ ]Yes [ ]No Can You Sign Your Name and Always Spell it Right? [ ]Yes [ ]No Have You EVER Had More Than One Bath in a Week? [ ]Yes [ ]No If Yes, Please Explain: ___________________________________________________

MEDICAL INFORMATION: Do You Have at Least Two (2) of the Following: [ ]B.O. [ ]Crabs [ ]Bad Breath [ ]Scabies [ ]Fleas [ ]Tatoos [ ]Crossed Eyes [ ]Gold Teeth [ ]Green Teeth [ ]Brown Teeth [ ]Yellow Teeth [ ]False Teeth # of Teeth Missing:______________________________

General Information

Can You Count Past 10 With Your Shoes On? [ ]Yes [ ]No Can You Count Past 21 with your fly up? [ ]Yes [ ]No Favorite Weapon: [ ]Tire Iron [ ]Pick Handle [ ]Log Chain [ ]Shotgun Favorite Pastime: [ ]Drinkin' [ ]Coon Huntin' [ ]Fishin' [ ]Other Favorite Vocalist: [ ]Willie Nelson [ ]Johnny Cash [ ]Elvis [ ]Loretta Lynn [ ]Conway Twitty Bumper Sticker: [ ]Honk if You Love Jesus [ ]Dial 1-800-EAT-SH*T [ ]Old Fart [ ]Dig Clams Cap Emblem: [ ]John Deere [ ]CAT [ ]Scoal [ ]Budweiser [ ]Jack Daniels Memberships: [ ]NRA [ ]VFW [ ]KKK [ ]700 Club [ ]B.P.O.E.

Your Signature (one x will do): ___________________________________________ Date: ______________________


10-25-97

Bill and Hilary are flying over New York City. Bill turns to Hilary and says "I know, I am going to throw these two $ 100 bills out the window, and make two people very happy." Hilary says, "No, get 200 one dollar bills, and make 200 people happy." The pilot says, "NO NO, throw Bill out and make 200 million people happy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a letter:

Dear Friend,

We have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee for raising five million dollars which will fund the placing of a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decide to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, and did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down you shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

The Bill Clinton Statue Committee


10-23-97

Somebody got a little carried away with this one... :-)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

First computer? check this out..

My first computer was a Sinclar ZX81, and still is, Oh its not quite the machine it was, but the modifications have keeped it humming! By dint of perserverance we purchased a total of 322 ZX's these are connected in "Quantum Parallel Processor" configuration, recent benchmark tests prove THE MACHINE has more computing power than the latest Cray (TM) 8223c Supercomputer.

The mass storage has undergone some changes too, the tape drives have been altered and are powered by twin 400 horse power diesel engines, which spin the modified 12 foot tape spools at over 8200 RPM.

Of course with such power at our fingertips, communication with the outside world was essential !

212 incoming phone lines now connect THE BEAST to the world (Internet address BEAST@centre.of.world) via supercharged 300 baud modems, converted to run at 57k and powered, direct from the local 33,000 volt High Tension substation feeder lines.

Call if you DARE ! ...... couple your surge protectors first,

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!!!

ZX81 forever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......


10-20-97

Most people work for a good cause: 'cause they need the money.

Most employers are in the novelty business: It's a novelty when their people work.

Most people enjoy having their work cut out for them...entirely.

A professional rival is someone who will slap you on the back to your face, and slap you on the face behind your back.

Many other people are nothing more than human kites: They rise thanks to a lot of wind and some pull.

Most people aren't afraid of hard work. They fight it year after year.

As a result, many workers today rust on their laurels.

Smart employees are those who spend December working their fingers to the bonus.

A lazy worker is the one who joined as many unions as he could, to make sure he was always on strike.

Workers would do well to take a lesson from clocks: They pass the time by keeping their hands busy.

The reason most people don't recognize opportunity is that it's disguised as hard work.


10-19-97

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, Geez how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Please leave a message.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are not telepathic, please leave a message after the beep.

--- authority figures ---

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

(Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape.

(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone. At the tone, leave your name, number, and list of targets, we'll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day.

(Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

(Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.


10-17-97

A city slicker stopped to ask directions from an old farmer on a tractor.

The farmer didn't know the answer.

The city slicker said, "You dumb hayseed you dont know anything do you."

The farmer said, "I am not lost and standing on a fire ant hill."


10-16-97

******************************* T E C H  S U P P O R T  T A L E S # 4 *******************************

HOLY HARD DRIVE! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE STORIES THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ....BUT THEY ARE ALL TRUE*

It will never cease to amaze me how silly and befuddled some people get with their computers. Every day thousands of people turn on their computers (or try to) and come across a problem which they think they understand. The results of their actions can be amusing and often hilarious. Oh, and let's not leave out some of the boneheaded Techs we all have to endure from time to time.

*** WELCOME *** to issue #4 of TECH SUPPORT TALES - the publication which proves that stupidity breeds humor. When I started this ezine last year, I uploaded the first issue onto AOL and received some complimentary feedback and a few dozen subscription requests. I was pleased with this start and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. Since then, the subscription requests have started pouring in. It's currently pushing 500 subscribers and it's not slowing down one bit. This is one of those kind of publications people like to share with others via email, passing around the office, etc., and I thank everyone who has. Since issue #3, I have joined the staff of MacSense, the monthly Macintosh ezine. Now select tales can be found complimented by Editor Chris McVeigh's wonderful graphics. There are some other projects in the works as well for Tech Support Tales. More about that in the next issue. Enough of my yakkin'...On with the tales! =:-D -Eric Hausmann Editor, Tech Support Tales junkspill@aol.com

TO SUBSCRIBE: I'm not using a fancy-schmancy mail server, so please don't send me any cryptic mail server type messages...a simple note with the words "Subscribe Tech Support Tales" in the subject field will do the trick. If you need copies of any back issues, let me know and I'll send them your way. And as always, if you have any of your own stories that you would like to see in a future issue, please send them along!

Send all mail, comments, rantings and extra SIMMs to: JUNKSPILL@AOL.COM

Thanks to the following individuals for sharing the stories you are about to read: The Iocat@aol.com, SOOOOHAPPY@aol.com, Suzanne_Courteau@Macworld.COM, peikba@login.dknet.dk, h-bar@obs.ct.se, Alan123@aol.com, ssimon@eagle.ais.net, ejohnfel@ic.sunysb.edu, shokwave@io.com, BettyMD@aol.com, a-brandg@microsoft.com, starsabre@oui.com, brand@bnr.ca, Pearlite@aol.com, Chris A W@aol.com, hannibal@iastate.edu, bradt@microsoft.com, ShellG@aol.com, Matt_J._Gribbins@capmac.org, 72662.131@compuserve.com

---------------------- EMAIL SIGNATURES SEEN ---------------------- * Preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel today.

* People who love the law and sausages should watch neither being made.

-------------- JOKES SECTION -------------- * What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A warning label.

* How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They're all in the dark.

* Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my Hard Drive?

* How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a problem with your printer. I suggest you call the manufacturer.

* THE PROJECT In the beginning there was the project. With the project there was a plan and a specification. But the plan was without form and the specification was void Thus the darkness was on the face of the Engineers thereof. The Engineers therefore spoke unto their Project Leaders "This is a crock of s*!t and we cannot abide the stink which abounds" And the Project Leaders spoke unto their Unit Managers. "This is a crock of excrement and we cannot abide the odor which abounds". And the Unit Managers spoke unto their Subsection Managers. "This is a vessel of excrement and the odor is very offensive". And the Subsection Managers spoke unto their Section Managers. "This vessel is full of that which makes things grow and its characteristics are very strong". And the Section Managers spoke unto the General Manager. "This vessel promotes growth of the company and it's very powerful". And the General Manager looked at the project and saw that it was good.

------------------ DOLTISH END USERS ------------------ CALLER: We need a technician out right a way. We have always put 10 floppy disks in the machine for the daily backup! TECH: What's the problem? CALLER: We've got nine disks into the drive but we can't get the last disk in. ____________________________________________________________ On day, a friend of mine stood with his back turned to a table with a Sparcstation upon it. He leaned more and more on the table, until he found himself sitting on the Sun's keyboard. The "login:" prompt had by then changed to "login: assword:" ____________________________________________________________ One of my clients called me frantically one day. It seems that she had just bought a new Mac computer with a built in CD-ROM drive. Upon taking the Mac out of the box, something was wrong with the system, so she wanted to reinstall a fresh system from the CD. She had never done this before, but decided to try it herself. Well, she called me and told me that the CD was stuck in the drive, and the Mac wouldn't start. I asked how it got stuck. She said that she had just followed the instructions on the CD package that said Install Me First. It said to put the disk into the CD-ROM drive. Although this sounded correct, I questioned further. It turned out that she had followed the instructions too well...she had not put the CD into the caddy! When I pointed this out, she said "The instructions on the 'Install Me First' package did not say anything about a caddy!" ____________________________________________________________ About 6 years ago I was starting to get into 4th Dimension (on the Macintosh) and was setting up a multi-user database for a client. I got everything setup as a single user system for the customer because they didn't want to allocate resources to the database until debugging was thru, etc., etc. So, all was fine and dandy as a single user system. The customer called me back 3 days later and was very frustrated trying to get multi-user working. Everything seemed okay in his setup, but he couldn't use both "machines" at once because the other user kept "messing up the screen." Turns out that he just plugged two keyboards into the same Macintosh and thought that meant multi-user.


10-14-97

******************************* T E C H  S U P P O R T  T A L E S # 2 *******************************

HOLY MOLY! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE STORIES THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ....BUT THEY ARE ALL TRUE!!!

It will never cease to amaze me how silly and befuddled some people get with their computers. Every day thousands of people turn on their computers (or try to) and come across a problem which they think they understand. The results of their actions can be amusing and often hilarious.

Welcome to issue #2 of TECH SUPPORT TALES-the publication which proves that stupidity breeds humor. Since I put the first issue online, many people have written to tell me how funny they thought these stories are and have requested that I place their names on a mailing list for future issues. So what I've decided to do is make it available to anyone via internet e-mail. And since I'm not using a fancy-schmancy mail server, please don't send me any odd mail server type messages...a simple note with the words "Subscribe Tech Support Tales" in the subject field will do the trick. And as always, if you have any of your own stories that you would like to see in a future issue, please send them along! I'm also planning on including a joke section in #3, so if you know some good computer jokes, share them with the rest of us, OK? I bust a gut every time I read this stuff.

Send all mail, comments & rantings to: JUNKSPILL@AOL.COM

Thanks to the following individuals for sharing the true stories you are about to read: Alan123@aol.com, Tom S Jr@aol.com, KramerW@aol.com, Kleiner@aol.com, CHEIDAL@delphi.com

____________________________________________________________

A consultant showed a new user how to copy a disk to do backups and told her to buy a box of disks. She did, and when she got the new box, she unwrapped the disks and did the backup. The consultant returned a week later, and the client proudly showed him her backup disks. To his amazement, she had 'peeled' off the wrapping on all ten disks, including the metal shutter! Her explanation: I thought you had to expose the disk!

____________________________________________________________

An executive secretary, who was a beginning computer user learning on a PC clone, got lazy about naming her files. Instead of using descriptive file names to name her files, she started her own system. She numbered the files (1,2,3,etc) and kept a notebook listing the file number and file description. This system worked well enough for her, getting her up to over file # 5000. And it would have continued to work for her had disaster not struck - She lost the notebook!! Each and every file had to be opened and renamed. Lucky for her, she was an executive's secretary who had been there forever, so her job was safe.

____________________________________________________________

A customer called up the company that made her hand-held scanner, complaining that it wasn't scanning correctly. After several minutes of hardware and software questions, the tech asked what exactly the person did to scan. "Well," she said, "I simply put it on the side of my head and drag it down." (And she wonders why the "brain scanner" can't find anything!)

____________________________________________________________

Look, this one really happened: Tech Support kept getting calls from this one client because any disk which was sent to the client became unreadable after one day in the field. A live technician was sent out. He asked what happened after the client receive the disk. "I keep them right here, on the side of the file cabinet" (under a magnet!)

____________________________________________________________

(client's name is removed to preserve their anonymity): The client had pulled the power cord out of the wall, one of those "high density, high resistance air connections," and wondered why the machine wouldn't start. I had them follow the electrical cord, power supply, the thing you plug into the wall, from the back of the computer to the power strip. Then, I had them follow the power strip cord around, and it was plugged into itself. I calmly suggested that it would work better if it was plugged into the wall. It's true and it's not the first time...

____________________________________________________________

(I am the Service Manager for an Apple VAR here in Canada) Anyway, one of our clients ordered an Quadra 840AV, but they did not want the internal CD which comes standard in that box. No problem, I took the CD out before I delivered it to the customer. however I did not have the blank bezel with which to cover the opening. I set the system up for them, gave them a quick lesson on it's ins and outs, and told them I would be back in a couple of days to replace the bezel. I returned two days later, opened up the case of the 840 to install the new bezel, and found about a dozen slips of post-it note papers. Upon asking the operator about it I was told that she had put them in there because she thought that the original CD bezel, with it's long slim opening, looked like one of those trash recepticles they have on the ATM machines. It was all that I could do not to laugh.

____________________________________________________________

One time a guy phoned me to complain that Norton Utilities failed to recover his data, after he had switched off the computer before he had saved his work.

____________________________________________________________

Problem : User cannot access the disk drive (A: 5.25 1.2 megabyte)

Solution : User put the 5.25 inch diskette in the tiny gap between drives A: and B: and then attempted to close the drive A: door.

____________________________________________________________

Problem : User cannot access disk information.

Solution/cause: Wife put disk on refrigerator door with magnet to remind customer to take disk to work with them...

____________________________________________________________

Problem : User is having problems with diskettes. 5.25/1.2 megabyte

solution/cause : User took the "Remove diskette from sleeve and insert into drive" literally and sliced open the protective cover of the disk, inserting the disk media into the drive.

____________________________________________________________

I teach electronics postsecondary level and while attending a seminar a few years back, I heard a very funny story from another instructor in my state. Before teaching, he was a service tech and rx'd a onsite call that was about 75mi. away. (Cash Reg/PRN system) Symptom: no lights, no display, no ringie dingie, nada. His first ? to the lady was 'have you verified that it is plugged in to a working AC outlet'. She ripped his lungs out over the phone! He said OK and jumped in his van and drove the 75mi. to the customers site. He told me a little voice in his head said "leave your tools in the van". So he did. He said when he walked around the counter, he noticed one of those wedge shaped plug inserts that allows you to plug in half of your house in one plug AND it was at about a 45 degree horizontal angle. the lady was standing there breathing fire by this time. He laid his hands on top of the CRT and stated loudly "If you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, BE HEALED" and at the same time kicked the plug in the wall while slapping the top of the CRT. LO and BEHOLD, everything went beep, PRN cycled the paper, and everything was OK. He pulled out his service book, wrote on the ticket "I healed it", and left. His boss was waiting for him when he got back and asked him what he did. He gave him the same answer. The lady NEVER called again.....


10-13-97

The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"


10-12-97

In a small city there was a synagogue across the street from a Catholic church. Every morning for the last 40 years, the rabbi would ride up to his synagogue, stop and look across the street to see the priest arrive just after him. They would wave to each other, maybe talk a little, and then go inside.

One morning the rabbi rode up to his synagogue, stopped and looked across the street - and there was no priest. The rabbi began to get worried about his long-time friend until he saw the priest walk up to his church.

"What happened, my friend?" said the rabbi.

"Well, I think I have failed. After years of my trying to teach them to be good, I believe one of my flock has stolen my bicycle."

"No problem," said the rabbi "just do this Sunday's mass on the 10 Commandments and stress the part about Thou Shalt Not Steal. I'm sure the thief will realize the error of his ways and return it."

The next Monday the rabbi rode up to his synagogue, stopped and looked across the street - and there was the priest riding up on his bicycle.

"My friend, I see you have your bicycle back. I guess the thief must have come to his senses!" said the rabbi.

"No," said the priest "I was doing the 10 Commandments during mass as you suggested and when I got to the part about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultry, I REMEMBERED WHERE I LEFT MY BICYCLE!"


10-9-97

Sex Laws

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.


10-8-97

************************* TECH SUPPORT TALES #1 *************************

To the best of my knowledge these are true experiences from Tech Support people. It seems that some customers instantly turn into clueless imbeciles as soon as they sit in front of a computer. Guaranteed to make you laugh out loud and show your coworkers. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU WILL READ IN THIS DOCUMENT! If anyone out there has any of their own unbelievable Tech Support stories, please send them to me and I will periodically post new issues of "Tech Support Tales" with your experiences. America Online: Junkspill Internet: Junkspill@aol.com ====================================================================

* Exasperated caller said she couldn't get her new computer to turn on. Customer: "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." Tech: "Foot pedal?" Customer: "Yes, this little white foot pedal with the on switch." - The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse.

* Many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed.

* One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on it. - The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag in which the mouse was packaged.

* One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly.

* A customer was having diskette problems. After trouble shooting for a while (magnets, heat, etc.), tech asked the customer what else was being done with the diskette. Response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."

* A user came into a service bureau with a file on a 5.25 inch disk. The proprietor apologized and explained that the user would have to get the job transferred to a 3.5 inch disk first. The user asked, "Couldn't we just get a scissors and trim it?"

* A customer complied with a tech's request to send in a copy of a defective diskette. A few days later, the tech received a letter from the customer along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.

* A tech advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put his phone down and was heard walking across the room and shutting the door to the room.

* A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

* A customer was perplexed by an error that would appear every time he tried to print. The computer would say, "Looking for LaserWriter" and after a while, "Can't find LaserWriter." His solution? He turned the Mac so that the screen faced the printer.

* A customer needed help setting up an application. The tech referred him to the local Egghead. Customer: "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends." When told that Egghead was a software store, the man replied, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

* A customer called complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. The customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub.

* A tech once calmed a man who was enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." The tech patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

* A new technician was sent into the field to install a new video card. About the time they began to wonder if something was wrong, the technician called in. "I have the monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card."

(c) 1994 Eric Hausmann. Authors retain individual rights. This document may be freely distributed and posted to other online services provided it is kept in its original state and remains unaltered.


10-7-97

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific rela- tionship between weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favora- ble conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are re- portedly terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the pat- terns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experi- ment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.


10-6-97

Edna Seamon's husband had passed on and she was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was fine, that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. "Is there anything he needs?" Edna asked.

The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he'd love a package of cigarettes."

"I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully. "But did he give an address?"

"No. But he didn't ask for matches."


10-5-97

A DAY OFF

So you want the day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be danged if you're going to take that day off!!!


10-4-97

A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE TO BATHING A CAT appeared 4-28-95 in My Word Column by Linda Beckerman

It's time for that annual rite of spring known as washing the cat. Here is my scratchproof approach, perfected after years of practice on "The Monster." (The success of this technique is evidenced by my not having to visit the emergency room this year.) Remove everything from the bathroom that is not nailed to the walls or the floor. Fill the bathtub with warm water. While gathering together towels, a timer, the flea shampoo and a blow dryer, you must appear nonchalant. Now quickly carry the cat into the Chamber of Torture and Horrors, slam the door behind you with your foot and plunge the cat into the bathtub. The cat will become temporarily immobile from the shock of sudden immersion. Swish the cat around the tub, and, in one smooth movement, haul the cat out of the tub and into the sink. Lathering the cat is a race. You must complete the task before the cat regains full consciousness. It helps to keep spinning the cat while you lather it. Before the cat can figure out what is going on, plunk it down onto the floor. The shampoo bottle instructs you to wait five minutes before rinsing. This gives the cat five minutes to work itself up. After years of training you to be its doorman, the cat cannot understand why you refuse to obey its demand to go out. Just when the cat has clearly had all that it is going to stand, it is time, according to the directions on the bottle, to rinse thoroughly. Pick up the cat and plunge it back into the tub. The cat will temporarily go back into shock. Swish the cat around. You are trying to rinse off shampoo that is made from chemicals siphoned off puddles at a toxic-waste dump. This takes a lot of swishing. When it appears the cat is going to pass out, haul the cat out of the tub. Half the water in the tub has been absorbed by the cat's hair, so the water must now be drained back into the tub. Drain the cat by holding it under the tummy so that all four feet are hanging downward. The cat is semicomatose at this stage. Unfortunately, the half that is conscious is totally deranged. At the sound of the scream...which coincides with the cat realizing it is suspended in midair over the tub...PUT THE CAT DOWN on the floor. Towel-dry only until you hear the first hiss. The hiss indicates that the cat has regained consciousness. Now, while you hold the blow dryer, chase back and forth after the cat until you are thoroughly exhausted. Then open the door. The cat will spend the next five hours in the sun, licking every hair back in place. This is followed by the cat coughing up hairballs onto the living room floor, thus signaling an end to the ritual for another year.


10-3-97

Once upon a time in an office were four people. Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

When there was important work to be done: Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got mad because it was Anybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized it wouldn't get done, SOOooo Nobody did it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done... ...in the first place.


10-2-97

A man walked into his doctor's office complaining he had lost all hearing in his right ear. "Let me take a look," said the doctor. "I see the problem. You've got a suppository stuck in your ear!" The patient asked to use the phone, called home and said, "Margaret...you can stop looking for my hearing aid...I know where it is."


10-1-97

An accountant, a doctor, and a lawyer are stuck in a lifeboat after a shipwreck. They drift within sight of land but are motionless a mile out. The accountant says, "I'll swim to shore and tow the boat along with me." He jumps in the water and then promptly climbs back into the boat. "There are sharks....I'm not swimming to shore!" So they wait and get no closer. Then the doctor says, "I'm not afraid of sharks. I'll tow the boat to shore!" He gets in the water and starts towing the boat. The sharks come after him. Just before the first shark attacks, he leaps back into the raft. "Those sharks are too nasty! I'm not towing the boat to shore!" The lawyer then leans over the side and whistles to the sharks. The sharks push the raft onto the shore. The doctor and accountant are amazed. "How did you do that?" they asked. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."


9-30-97

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."


9-29-97

Dear Sir:

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial conditions are due to Federal laws, corporation laws, mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and outlaws. Through these taxes I am compelled to pay a business tax, assessment tax, head tax, school tax, income tax, casket tax, food tax, furniture tax, sales tax and excise tax. Even my brain is taxed. I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting license, fishing license, truck and auto license, not to mention marriage and dog license. I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable of bringing into life; to women's relief, unemployed relief, and gold digger's relief. Also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city, including the Red Cross, the Black Cross, the Purple Cross and the Double Cross. For my own safety, I am compelled to carry life insurance, liability insurance, burglary insurance, accident insurance, property insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age insurance and fire insurance. My own business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, and compelled until I prove an inexhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race. Simply because I refuse to donate something or another I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for a miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and here's the money. Would like more business to pay more taxes. Sincerely yours,


9-28-97

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."


9-27-97

Top Ten TECHNICAL ERRORS/ANACHRONISMS in the movie "Apollo 13"

- compiled by a bunch of genuine NASA dweebs who actually noticed these things.

=========================================================

10. The NASA "worm" logo appears on a glass door. The logo was not developed until 1976.

9. One engineer checks an astronaut's addition using a slide rule. Slide rules are not used for addition.

8. Jim Lovell's license plate is new.

7. The astronauts point out the Sea of Tranquility while on the dark side of the moon. It is on the other side.

6. A technician at the cape is wearing a Rockwell International logo on his coveralls. The Apollo capsule was built by North American, which did not become Rockwell International until after the Apollo program.

5. The gantry arms for the Saturn V are released in unison, not one at a time.

4. During entry, the spacecraft is shown hurling directly at the earth. At that angle, it would punch a brief but fiery hole through the atmosphere. It should be aiming towards the horizon.

3. The paint pattern on the Saturn V is for the test configuration, not the launch configuration.

2. The astronauts look at their intended landing site while on the dark side of the moon. It is a good thing they didn't land - no communications with Earth, it's dark and very cold.

AND THE NUMBER ONE TECHNICAL ERROR/ANACHRONISM in APOLLO 13 is:

1. In space, from outside the capsule, propulsion jets do not make any noise.

- Christopher Land

Notes: 1) Any errors on this list are the responsibility of the reader. If you point them out we may sue, so watch it. 2) Heretofore notwithstanding and nevertheless hereby contraindicating the previous sentence, any additions and corrections should be passed back to me and I promise to care. Deeply.

thanks to James Godwin for Getting the trajectory correct on this one.


9-25-97

Sailors in particular, but anyone having the slightest interest in things nautical will appreciate the following letter to the Owner by the Master of a merchant vessel. Contributed by Captain Neil C. Norton, former Queen's Harbour Master, Esquimalt, British Columbia, Canada.

Dear Sir, It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the World Press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagon, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph, and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in under' the stern of my vesel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they did to the railings of number one hold.

I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

Yours truly, Master...


9-24-97

A man was calling 911 because his wife had went into labor. "Please send someone right away! My wife is in labor!"

"Ok, sir, calm down. I have to get some information first. Ok...how old is your wife?" the operator asked.

Breathing frantically "OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A BABY, are you sending someone?"

"Yes, sir but I need some more info. Is this your wife's first child?" the operator asked trying to keep him calm.

"NO STUPID, THIS IS HER HUSBAND ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SOMEONE OR NOT???"


9-23-97

The 911 operator had an urgent call from a gentleman saying his small son had swallowed his pen.

"Allright! I'll dispatch the paramedics right away! What are doing in the meantime?"

Came the unexpected answer, "Using a pencil."


9-22-97

If Alexander Graham Bell had had a daughter, he'd never have invented the telephone! ........

Getting old has its advantages. Your friends can come to your birthday party and warm themselves around the cake. ........

Fish must be brain food, because they travel in schools! ........

Fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port! ........

Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other! ........

There's nothing a fisherman can do if his worm ain't trying! ........

Penny adores seafood, especially saltwater taffy! ........

Gambling is a great way of getting nothing for something. ........

We have a dozen bingo halls in our town. All the proceeds go to fight gambling.


9-21-97

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them. "I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?" The catholic priest stood up. "I wish for the destruction of all protestants!" Then the protestant minister bolted up. "I wish for the destruction of all catholics!" The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, rabbi?" The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."


9-20-97

A man went to his doctor for some tests. The next day the doctor called him in and said "Mr. Smith, I have some bad news and I have some bad, bad news. "

Shocked, Mr. Smith said "Well, what's the bad news?"

The doctor said, "You only have 24 hours to live!"

"24 hours! " the man exclaimed, "Then what's the BAD, BAD news?"

The doctor replied, "I forgot to tell you that YESTERDAY!"